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Screaming out for help

BaileyRyanContributor31 July 2016, 11:16 am AEST

Screaming out for help

Following my last post, I've basically been diagnosed with PND again. I feel like it's definitely worse this time around. My partner knows and seems to want to be supportive but he is the worst. I feel like I'm locked up in this house with my two girls all day every day. I look forward to my weekends because I know he'll be home and it'll take some of the pressure off me. But every time I try to rely on him, he takes off to hang out with mates, or do favours for his family. I feel like I'm screaming out for help and it's falling on deaf ears. My family knows about the diagnosis, but it's seems like they think my doctor is wrong or something. I just hate how people tell you to speak up when you need help, and when you do, no one is willing to listen. I have never felt more alone in my entire life. I love my girls but I need a break! I can't keep going the way I am because I'm not being a good mum at the moment. I'm constantly scared that I'm going to hurt them unintentionally. It's like there's a monster inside me that I can't control. I feel terrible. The last thing I want is to be abusive in any way, and I don't want to hurt my babies. I'm due to see a new psychologist in a week, and I don't really want to go on meds, but at this point it feels like I don't have time to get better. My kids need me to be a good mum and I can't. I know that my mum was abusive like this to me as a child, so it makes me wonder whether it's the depression or how I was brought up that's made me this way. I truly feel like I'm at the end of my tether. It's so hard to enjoy time with my children because I constantly feel angry and drained, exhausted and just over it all.

7 replies

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In response to: Screaming out for help

DecadianSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 11:39 am AEST

Re: Screaming out for help

Hi @BaileyRyan

Having a baby is a big deal without the PND and this is your second one so it's harder - it's hard enough having two little children and being alone all day - I remember the crushing despair and I don't think I had PND - though I might have

Your husband needs to grow up - he is now a father of two children and first of all - a husband - and husbands have more responsibilities of being with their mates like boys.

And as for his family - what about his children

As for help - it seems like people have offered to help but it's a case of "You know where we are etc" and it's up to you - but you have asked and your family thinks the doctor has it wrong

But this is serious - I am glad you are seeing a pyschologist this week and I don't think psychologist give you medication - but I could be wrong - and your GP could prescribe if he sees fit

The best person to speak to is your Maternal Health Nurse - she will know - she sees people wll the time - PND is more common than people realise

Because - in among with noise and mess and wet nappies and crazy hormones and everything is a BABY - and don't worry - the BABY is going to let you know it's there and keep letting you know

So - I am sure that there are people with more modern help than I have - and I am glad you have reached out

Decadian

In response to: Screaming out for help

pipSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 11:42 am AEST

Re: Screaming out for help

Hi BaileyRyan. Can I ask how old the girls are? Is it possible you can arrange for them to attend a nursery/day care centre so you can get some 'you' time. When you're in the position you're in, two little girls can seem like millions. I don't think there's anything wrong in asking for 'time out'. We all need space. Between your memories of your mum's behaviour and your own doubts (which are REAL) it's not wonder you fear for you and girls. It's great you recognize you need help. Try phoning some of the day care places see if you can find one that can help. Also ask your Dr if he can help, sometimes Dr's have access to places we don't know about.

In response to: Screaming out for help

BaileyRyanContributor31 July 2016, 12:06 pm AEST

Re: Screaming out for help

The girls are nearly 2 yrs and 6 months old. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother, and I love love love it. But I'm just at the point where it's all a bit much. I can't get funding help from the government and my partner is earning half as much as he should be, so I can't really afford for the girls to go into daycare. The older one already goes one day a week, but I do house cleaning for people on those days just for some extra cash. I will add that I am so much more stressed than I've ever been, mostly with money and I feel like I'm drowning. I've been looking at trying to find a job, so that way I kind of have a 'break' as such, and that way I can afford to put the kids in care.

In response to: Re: Screaming out for help

AppleblossomSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 12:44 pm AEST

Re: Screaming out for help

I had 2 girls that close together and it is very tough. @BaileyRyan

Maybe you need to have recovery time instead of doing the cleaning.

I worked in cleaning for 6 months and there is no shame in that.It shows how committed you are to contribute to your marriage and these days it feels like children's financial needs are bottomless and endless. But go back to the basics and distinguish between wants and needs.

YOUR NEEDS matter too.

One thing I did was take mine to family therapy (free service) and talk through some of our family issues. My girls actually have high self esteem and hish skill development and are doing fine for themselves.

It does not sound like hubby is being a serious dad.

To be honest I found it easier when mine was not around.

Is he able to make sensible and caring statements that support good child behaviour?

Is he just running off to mates for play time and not actually pulling his weight as an adult and therefore as a parent? There is more to it than bringing in some bacon.

If he cannot engage with managing behaviour then he needs to do family therapy too.

You are doing the toughest job on the planet .. Good Luck

In response to: Screaming out for help

utopiaSenior Contributor01 Aug 2016, 1:15 am AEST

Re: Screaming out for help

@BaileyRyan. It really does sound like you need a break. Any mum with a 2 year old & a6 month old. Every mum would need a break. Does your husband help on weekend or is he still seeing bhis family and mates then?
Might be hard but you need to sit down with him abd have a big talk - if you don't think he will listen - take him to your gp or psychologist appointment & tell him thers. These xhildren are yours and his. He has to di his level of cading for them to. He has to give you time without the kids. Why can't he take them when he visits his family and you stah home.
Does your husband truly know what PTSD is? That it's not that you did something wrong and got it. It's not your fault.
People with PTSD need extra support in their lives. He needs to be manning up and being a husband and a father.
Write a list down - point form - of what you want to say and ask your psychologist. This will help you be prepared and not forget anything.
Print out literature on PTSD -it's symptoms - it's affect on the individual and what family and friends can do to help (&what doesn't help). Give them to family to read. Let them get educated about PTSD.
You are a family - you need the whole family to support you.
Talk it over with your psychologist and your husband. Good luck

In response to: Screaming out for help

BaileyRyanContributor01 Aug 2016, 6:54 am AEST

Re: Screaming out for help

Hi @utopia
He isn't too bad with helping out. He's really good with the kids and will generally take them when I ask him too. It's the understanding my needs and supporting me that he's obviously struggling with. Just yesterday I told him that I was struggling (again) and he nodded, sort of spoke to me about it and then went into the bedroom to play Xbox.

I actually have Post Natal Depression, but I think your advice is great! I'll definitely write down how it affects me and what help/support I need from him and my family.

In response to: Screaming out for help

PANDASenior Contributor05 Aug 2016, 2:16 pm AEST

Re: Screaming out for help

Hi @BaileyRyan, your words relay a loving, caring mum who needs some help right now. It sounds like you are at breaking point and that is not okay for you or your little ones. Postnatal depression is very real and can be devastating for individuals and the family unit, and unfortunately, sometimes those closest to us are not equipped to help when we are at crisis point.

It is almost impossible to be the mum you want to be when you have untreated perinatal anxiety or depression. Having a ‘monster inside you that you can't control’ sounds scary and overwhelming. Expecting to get better without medication might well be unrealistic at this point. While everyone responds differently to different treatment types, what we often hear from mums is that a combination of medication, counselling and social support was life changing.

We would be interested to know what the ‘worse than before’ parts are that you are noticing. What was it that helped move you toward recovery last time? Would you call our Helpline on 1300 726 306? We could talk with you and your family about what you need and the options for appropriate treatment and supports. Please know there is help available and you do not need to figure this out alone.

The PANDA Team x

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