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Buried emotions bubbling up

BlackCat13Senior Contributor30 July 2016, 11:12 pm AEST

Buried emotions bubbling up

I find myself here because I saw the television ad.

My history is: Diagnosed in 2011 with major depression, major anxiety and severe stress. This lead to 3/4 of the year off work. Undertook CBT for 2 years which was unsuccessful. Been under the care of a psychiatrist for 5 years. Tried many forms of anti depressants until we switched to one that didn't cause nausea and helped a little with my insomnia, but it is really expensive.

I have lived alone for over 20 years, have no contact with people from my past, mostly phone contact with family but gatherings for birthdays etc ( highly stressful for me). I find it extremely hard to trust people because over my life from quite young, I learnt that trusting someone leads to me being hurt in some way. Somehow I did make an online friend once, 7 years ago, and we have talked on and off over that time. His girlfriend didn't like me talking to him and has blocked me from any contact paths I had with him.

This leads me to the buried emotions and thoughts resurfacing.

Always alone
unlovable
weirdo, awkward person
unwanted
sad with a smile
don't belong anywhere
no one to talk to I completely trust
lonely in a crowded world

I wrote this back in April but reading it again it is what the whirlpool of thoughts is bringing to the forefront

Loneliness is...

Loneliness is silent,
My crying is never heard.
Loneliness is dark,
My sadness is hidden.
Loneliness is long,
My days are all the same.
Loneliness is lost,
My soul has no direction.
Loneliness is numb,
Yet everything hurts.
Loneliness is very controlling,
Yet my world feels out of control.
Loneliness is confining,
Yet I am not caged.
Loneliness is sad,
Yet I smile in company.
Loneliness is...
Slowly dying.

Written 17 April, 2016

4 replies

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In response to: Buried emotions bubbling up

AppleblossomSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 3:20 am AEST

Re: Buried emotions bubbling up

I love the specs on your cat pic.

My emotions keep bubbling away .. I guess that is kind of what they do.

I also was very isolated and thought I was a dreadful weirdo and unloveable... am still single and ambivalent about being in a relationship.... but I have less derogative self-talk these days.

One weird way I gradually conquered my fear of talking which meant I was usually a wall flower in any crowded room ... was watching in my pastoral centre ... as it filled up and emptied .. and a new crod came and went ... churches dont work for everybody ...

the same could work in a local cafe ...or on a bush walk ... not sure what your interests are

Take care

Apple

In response to: Buried emotions bubbling up

pipSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 8:59 am AEST

Re: Buried emotions bubbling up

Hi BlackCat 13. I really understand your pain. If you're on a pension, you would be entitled to get your AD's on a lower charge, I would've thought. It's difficult when we talk to someone online, then discover they have someone in their lives who object to them talking to someone else. I've recently decided to give my bf the 'flick' too. He doesn't have anyone else, that I know of, but, suddenly he doesn't seem to want to be involved. It's like 'flogging a dead horse' to continue trying so I'm giving up. I saw a marvellous video clip last night, posted on fb. It mentioned that instead of building a relationship with someone else, first you have to build a relationship with you. If you can find it in you to be happy with you, sharing your inbuilt happiness with others seems to bring out the 'sunshine'. You have to build confidence and accept your life. I'm actually going to start rebuilding because clinging to something that isn't going to happen, hasn't made me happy. If I can start to enjoy my life with me, that's the main thing. By the way, for the record I'm 65.

In response to: Buried emotions bubbling up

Busylady01Contributor31 July 2016, 11:20 am AEST

Re: Buried emotions bubbling up

Hello,

I feel your pain too. I walk among lots of people, yet feel totally alone, unlike, unappreciated and separate.

Life is hard for those who live alone. Just walking to the store down a footpath can be an overwhelming experience. I know, it was that way for me. I felt so much for you, that i thought, where is this lady, I'd like to be friends with her? But on here we are all cloaked for privacy and I understand that is a necessity. I offer a hand of friendship and can be here for you when you need a response.

Warm regards,

Busylady01

In response to: Buried emotions bubbling up

MaggieSenior Contributor01 Aug 2016, 8:03 am AEST

Re: Buried emotions bubbling up

I hear what you are saying. I feel, if that's the right word, the same. I have reached out for help and been rejected. I am afraid to reach out any more. I also saw the TV add and joined.

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