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This is my first time on here, after reading some posts its like reading my own story, for most of my life I have suffered depression in some form on and off but the past 3 years chronically and major anxiety, I am tired iv tried everything to try and fix me but I'm at the end there is nothing left to try, I have lost nearly everything, I had to leave a good job because 2 complete breakdowns in 6 months I could not hide my illness anymore and could not function, through my illnesses iv lost my friends , my family all because I no longer have anything to say. I'm a single mother to an adult but also an 8 year old who lives this illness with me as I work on auto pilot with she is fed clothed housed, but the guilt I carry as she is housebound because I am and does not have a child hood, my relationship with my elder child has broken down as she has had enough and I can't blame her, she told me the other day she hasn't had her mother for since she was 13 she is 19 and my heart shattered, the truth hurts, I am so lonely, believe I am no good for anything anymore, I have a pysciatrist a psychologist a GP a mental health social worker and none of this has helped nor has the medication and I have been put on so many different one's, my care people I can tell , no longer know what else they can do for me, just as I feel the same, sorry this is so long, I haven't "spoken" as such for a long time, I am sad, lonely, angry, and the only thing keeping me here are my children not that I'm doing that properly either but I'm all they have, my youngest daughter has issues all caused by me, guilty as hell I feel about that, often I feel I'm not doing her any favours being her mum. I'm at my lowest point ever.....sorry if this is ramble just needed an outlet ...
I'm glad you've come here, though im so sorry to hear of your hardships with depression. I also worry about the impact of my mi on my children which makes it so hard. I think you're so brave to have shared what your elder daughter has said, but try to be kind to yourself. going over and over it is not going to help you or your daughters in the present time.
Here listening and sitting with you, though i don't have a huge amount to offer i'm sorry,
LJ
In response to: End of the road-not coping
SylvesterSenior Contributor
Re: End of the road-not coping
Welcome @Hard-hit it sounds like you are going through a tough time. Thank you so much for contacting us and hopefully you will recieve the much needed support from the SANE forums. You may want to look into the "Night Shift" discussion as there are several parents single mums and other that may relate to your story. In addition, I hope you can find some information on the SANE Website there are Podcasts and some great reading material that could be useful.
Please don't think that you are rambling, asking for support is difficult and everyone here appreciates that.
Kind regards
Sylvester (Monitor)
In response to: End of the road-not coping
Hard-hitCasual Contributor
Re: End of the road-not coping
Thank u for ur reply, just so hard
In response to: Re: End of the road-not coping
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: End of the road-not coping
I did not think you were rambling @Hard-hit but maybe thats because I do.
You said an important reality regarding your children ... You are all they have got.
I have felt that my children would be better without me at times ... but the legacy of suicide is horrible, so I stay. I also experienced out of home care as a child .. and that isnt all its cracked up to be.
We really need to be kinder about the expectations society and we ourselves put on the parenting role. Perfectionism isnt possible or even that desirable ... as its an impossible model and often encourages deception in those who try and fake it.
Take care
In response to: End of the road-not coping
Hard-hitCasual Contributor
Re: End of the road-not coping
Thank you Appleblossom, I am at a point where I don't even see any part of my old self at all and feel no hope, so many times iv been told "only you can fix you" I understand what they are saying, but if I could omg I would of, how can anyone think I like living this way?? Day after day I just wait for nighttime for the day to be over, I don't eat properly, I sit and sit and sleep and cry until there is no tears, trying to keep my illness from my youngest which of course I haven't achieved and at 8 she worries about me it breaks my heart, my childhood was taken and it was not what I wanted for her, I have no family support, her father is not in the picture so 247 she is with me that is hard on both of us, I hear my negativity but this is where I'm at, my mother is so hard on me and says awful things to me, but she tells me I am rude an awful daughter etc, so I stay away she doesn't, never has done the Nana thing as a result I could not get a break from daughter there and my daughter would not go anyway as she is hard on us all. I am living a day at a time well existing. Im glad I have found this forum and really relate to so many things said...
In response to: End of the road-not coping
Busylady01Contributor
Re: End of the road-not coping
Hello,
My children blame me for leaving America to come to Australia, but the abuse I suffered in the states just made me want to escape. My MI has left me depressed and my daughter told me the other day, I've missed most of her life and all of my grandchildren's lives. I was shattered totally, but getting her to understand the level of abuse I suffered is hard and all she can see is that I am in Australia where she doesn't want me to be.
Your situation is not the exact same as mine, but you carry the guilt as I do. I tried ways to fix the situation and as yet have failed to find a working solution. The only solution I've come across was a prayer and I don't know it word for word, but basically it said that I cannot control a life that belongs to the Creator. If I were to let go and trust the Creator to guide my life, then it would finally go where he has wanted it to go all along, just this time I wouldn't get involved trying to steer it myself because we can steer life off course.
I understand religion, belief or church isn't everyone's thing and I'm not trying to convert you here. I do hope you get the help you need and that you start enjoying life again real soon.
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