Hi new here not sure what I'm doing

@Pippyl @NatureLover .... it's part of the beauty of the forums to find how much you're not alone in these experiences once you start to speak out about them .....

@NatureLover yea it's funny I've seen over the yrs it's taken new forms for several reasons. And I remember a time when their was no symptoms. And yes I think it's about a sense of control. Mum admitted to me she would purposely leave mess and I was like what!! And she thinks what I do is to annoy her. How to get past the childhood trauma? I find with my ex was different now I have to rip up my whole identity and see I've had no normal childhood I feel I don't exist. So many things I can't do coz of them. I'm seeing who I am is an ideal version and who I really am is a misery I've been lying to myself. Really knowing you were never loved is horrible. I know my child loves me, the only person that does, yet these adults couldn't and i accept that but it's still hard esp coz nothing I can do will make them see. I got blamed for so much that wasn't my fault. I never had the guidance. I'm trying so hard to give myself love I'm terrified I will fail to love my child and neglect her. She had no one else. I'm starting to do that as I can't cope. I've always pushed ppl away I seem to attract unhealthy people, I feel I have really loved people in the past but bcoz it was one way I feel I haven't experienced it. I know what I have with my child is true love but it's not the same as adult like I don't want to burden her with adult crap.

Wow @Faith-and-Hope I know you may not see it but he actually did you a favour by leaving and you will see in time. Although living nearby is obviously not helpful. And of coarse you experienced the abandonment which is thrilling for him. 5 kids wow and 35 yrs. I was with mine for quite a long time also. I was actually Glad when he found new supply as selfish as it sounds and I do feel sorry for her even though she has big issues as he stopped harassing. Well it's been yrs and the harassing has slowed but I think for now it is done. I was so fortunate that he is out of our lives and I'm so grateful. Visitation caused a lot of distress so glad that's taken away. The aftermath and finding out truths has been really painful. From my recent experiences I feel I'm right back mentally where I was with him. I am so glad you are out. Document everything I hope you get support around your daughter staying with you. What a scary thought when she's vuernable. I fought hard in court and I wish I knew how to access that strength right now.

Hearing you @Pippyl, and I know it will be a blessing in the longer term, it's just that he made sure everything was totally enmeshed and continuing 🌵 before he left, so now I have court battles and :pile_of_poo: to get through to get him to cut me loose without losing everything the last 35 years are worth.

@Pippyl I'm sorry to hear that your mum purposely leaves mess 😞 and that she thinks you're just trying to annoy her. I wonder, would printing out a page of information on OCD germophobia and giving it to her help? Would she read it?

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@Pippyl wrote:

How to get past the childhood trauma?

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I have thankfully had quite a bit of healing from my complex childhood trauma through therapy. It's taken years, but I've talked it through with my therapist and felt validated. Of course, there's still more to work through, and I don't think full healing is possible, as the damage is too great with trauma. But I want to encourage you that it's possible to "move on" from it quite a bit, at least.

I really wish you could move out from your parents' house and start to heal...

Sorry @Faith-and-Hope I jus wanted to add using the kids as pawns is common and so hurtful I know esp if they are too young to understand. And I had financial control until recently Ive only jus closed the whole chapter with him. I'm hoping wanting access to your daughter is a bluff. He knows how to hurt you the most. The less communication the better coz he has nothing to play with.

Sorry I have to go but I will be back as I can see there's more notifications

Thanks @Pippyl ..... it's so good to hear from people who have passed through this situation and come out the other side.

He's not bluffing with daughter .... 🤬😖😔

I too hope you can move into your own space soon and continue healing ❣️

@NatureLover I don't think info will help coz she actually doesn't care. I'm actually feeling quite suicidal right now it feels the only option I feel I have too much mess to sort leaving here I can't look after my child I can't escape my own mind I don't feel I have the guts to follow through but I have tried in the past. Living like this is impossible

Things don't stay the same @Pippyl ..... they shift, and sometimes one thing shifting causes other things to suddenly change too ..... hold on Hon. Things will be different. The lockdown in Vic is working, so the restrictions will start to lift again, for one thing. Then you can do a Telehealth link up from somewhere else - a support centre, library reading room, or even open-air in a quiet corner of a park.

Sending a virtual hug your way.

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@Pippyl wrote:

@NatureLover I don't think info will help coz she actually doesn't care. I'm actually feeling quite suicidal right now it feels the only option I feel I have too much mess to sort leaving here I can't look after my child I can't escape my own mind I don't feel I have the guts to follow through but I have tried in the past. Living like this is impossible

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I'm sorry your mum doesn't care, @Pippyl . And I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling quite suicidal. Do you know the helpline numbers?

Lifeline 13 11 14 (they also have web chat)

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

Please call or message them if you are in need of crisis counselling...

I'm also going to tag a @Former-Member, as I'm concerned for you.

I feel you've managed well before, you've fought in court, you can come back from this and be strong again, @Pippyl , even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

Sending you a warm hug...please hold on...