EllanCasual Contributor
Please help me / advice / hope
Hi there,
I hope there is someone out there who notices this post, I feel very desperate and hopeless.
I was diagnosed with BPD, depression, anxiety and OCD almost a month ago. When I found out I felt quite releaved and hopeful. I have spent the last 4 years (I'm 22) trying to find the right diagnosis, being told I had depression, or anxiety, or maybe bipolar, or that I didn't have anything at all. I tried out several different anti-depressants and mood stabilisers over the years, talk therapy with a handful of different therapists and psychologists, sought out opinion after opinion from different psychiatrists, tried TMS treatment for a while, in patient hospitalisations a number of times. All of these endevours seemed to be fruitless and only made me feel more desperate and broken.
Although it was nice to have a diagnosis of BPD that finally made sense to me after all this failure, I have found it very hard over the last few weeks to cope. I do not have much support around me. I live with family and they are loving, however my BPD is I guess what you'd call 'quiet' BPD and so most of the things I experience are internalised. I open up to them, but there isn't much they can do. I do not have any contacts or friends outside of my house, my life feels so small, and this is something that greatly depresses me. I would give anything to have friends, and I have a lot of anger and envy at the world for being so alone. I had a boyfriend, however our relationship was quite dysfunctional and I saw that my inability to function and love was harming him. Upon receiving the BPD diagnosis we decided to part ways (it was very mutual and respectful) as I saw the harm I was causing him, and the sensitivity of my perceptions and emotions mean't that everything he did would harm me. I haven't spoken to him at all since the break up (3 weeks ago) and this has made me feel even more alone.
I was a fairly ambitious person, which I think has probably come from my anxiety to do well in life and my parents strict encouragment. I went to uni fulltime, I was working very hard at a career, although I didn't have friends, find social situations terrifying and found that my BPD made me actively push people away, I want friends more than I want anything!
I have been feeling very suicidal the last week or so. This diagnosis feels like a death sentence and all my dreams seem crushed. I do not have anything to live for now. Plus, the daily pain caused by all the thoughts and behaviours I have about life are unbearable, I can barely get out of bed, but the bed is on fire. I have tried to reach out for help. I've called crisis services, which has resulted in welfare checks on me by the police (who don't seem to know what to do with the mentally ill), and also been put in contact with my local crisis assesment team. I have been involved with them before in the past after a previous suicide attempt and felt like I was just palmed off for someone else to deal with. I spoke to them today and found that all they could offer me was either a hospitalisation, appointment with a doctor to assess me (which I have already done countless times) or regular checks on me. I know that DBT and other therapies help improve BPD suffering and I have done some DBT in the past, but I feel like I have lost so much of my future and that there is no point to getting better. I could go into hospital, I could commit to DBT, but the thought that people are able to strive in life and live happily (go out and have fun, travel around the world, pursue careers, experience life) whilst I suffer, is too unbearable. Why was I chosen to suffer in this way? I know that people with BPD can get better, their symptoms can go away, but that takes years and years, I don't have anything to live for (no career, no friends, no purpose), and I am very certain that even if my symptoms remmit, my ability to socialise and function will still not be as high as someone who does not have a mental illness, and this pains me so much. I have already lost all my adolescence and early adult years to this illness, this loss feels too painful to continue living.
I have seen peoples responses to posts on here, everyone seems very encouraging and nice, but I would appreciate if people offered me realistic help. I've heard 'things will get better', 'support is out there', 'take things day by day', 'have hope' and am so sick of these empty words. I'm sorry if I come across as rude, I just feel so desperate and want help!
