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Spouse and bipolar

M_ACasual Contributor29 July 2016, 7:59 pm AEST

Spouse and bipolar

I am just looking for some support. My husband has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We have very unusual circumstances. We are married but have spent more time apart than together. I am from America and due to financial problems, I haven't been able to get a spousal visa and permanently stay with my husband. I have recently arrived after 6 years apart.
Is it normal for someone who is bipolar to just snap at their loved ones? I have been told to pack up and get out so many times, I almost have. I am flying back to the states in about 10 weeks and I just don't know if I can come back. When things are good, they are really good but when he snaps, it gets bad. Nothing,very, physical. Mostly mental and emotional. Any answers will be appreciated. He has family and doctors to talk with. I am alone. Thank you

12 replies

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In response to: Spouse and bipolar

CherryBombSenior Contributor29 July 2016, 9:58 pm AEST

Re: Spouse and bipolar

Hi @M_A

Things sounds tough between you and your husband. Being apart from your hubby, and having ask you to leave sounds really stressful. I can understand why its difficult to make sense of.

Sometimes people going through mania can experience irritability, though it's hard to say what is 'normal', as this can be dependent on an individual's usually behaviour. Is this behaviour out of character for your husband? I know that you mentioned that you have been a part for quite some time, but did you notice if he was short over the contact you had with him via email/telephone?

You mentioned that your hubby has support, it saddens me to hear that you're going through this on your own. How have you been managing? There's a few people on here that you might wnat to connect with. Check out this thread by @Megan she has a partner with bipolar who also sounds aggressive. Also, sheck out this thread by @CLA she also has husband with bipolar who she cares for. Perhaps @Megan and @CLA might be able to provide some advice about how @M_A might approach the situation with her husband?

In response to: Re: Spouse and bipolar

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor30 July 2016, 12:27 am AEST

Re: Spouse and bipolar

Hi @M_A

I can't advise you regarding living with bipolar, but I have encountered some similar behaviour issues with my eating disordered husband .... so from that perspective I can empathise with you. It is very confusing and confronting.

If you do remain in the relationship, it will involve being a carer as well as a wife, and in that capacity it will be vital to your own health and well-being to develop your own circle of support.

You are not alone. You will find there is a caring community of people on the forums here, some coming from a carer background, others from lived experience, and some from both. They can offer advice and understanding as you make your way forward in this difficult circumstance.

Take care

🌷 F&H

In response to: Spouse and bipolar

M_ACasual Contributor30 July 2016, 10:18 pm AEST

Re: Spouse and bipolar

Thank you for your response. I have a lot of decisions to make

In response to: Spouse and bipolar

CLAContributor31 July 2016, 8:54 pm AEST

Re: Spouse and bipolar

Hi @M_A I can sympathise with you completely. My husband also has bipolar disorder. We have been together 15 years. He was diagnosed 15 months ago. For someone who used to be quite laid back and chilled out, he can now get v irritable. We also fight a lot more now than we ever did.
You do need to look after yourself, especially if you are going to care for him but like you said, you do have exceptional circumstances so I'm not sure if my suggestions will be relevant to your situation. Before you go back to the US, (just as much for your own piece of mind) encourage him to enlist the help of a good GP, psychologist, psychiatrist, a relapse prevention plan, phone numbers to resources/services, someone he trusts to call if he needs help. As for you, you also need support. These are the services/resources I've used since my husbands diagnosis. My GP, I see a psychologist, I've utilised Carers Assist , a local carers support Group which Incorporates equine assisted therapy, a Carers Support Meeting, Carers Respite Retreat, Early Psychosis Education with local mental health service at local hospital, a friend to have cups of tea with and it doesn't matter if I turn up in tears, and a very supportive employer. I don't know what things are available to you back home but I noticed you said you are going home in 10 weeks and don't know if you can come back. Don't worry about that bit now. Do what you can while you are here. Get him set up as best you can before you go, and just see how things go once you go back home. You don't need to put a time line on it. You don't need to decide any of that now. I understand where you are coming from though. You don't want to abandon someone when they clearly need you, but there is a limit to what a person can put up with before it starts to have a serious effect on themselves.
I wish you all the best. Please let me know how you are going. xoxo

In response to: Spouse and bipolar

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 9:02 pm AEST

Re: Spouse and bipolar

Hear, hear !!

🌷 F&H

In response to: Spouse and bipolar

M_ACasual Contributor31 July 2016, 9:51 pm AEST

Re: Spouse and bipolar

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is so wonderful that someone has an idea where I am coming from. I don't think it is wonderful that anybody has to go through any of this but I'm glad someone can see my side.
We don't fight. It is impossible to defend anything that I do or say. He yells and screams and anywhere between 5 minutes and 2 days I'm suppose to be happy and be as if nothing happened. There are no apologies or discussions. I feel as if I am whining, complaining but I get so frustrated. He does have a GP and a psychologist and he takes his meds regularly. I am not legally allowed to work due to the visa I am here on. I do have very supportive friends and family back in the states but its difficult to explain everything to them plus the time differences and expense to talk to them. I feel he realizes that our time together is coming to an end very soon. These past two weeks have been really good. But I am always on edge because it seems when I let my guard down and enjoy being with him, he "snaps" again. I do my best to take it one day at a time but every put down and nasty thing he says to me can't be forgotten. I want to thank you for listening to me drone on. I appreciate it very much.

In response to: Re: Spouse and bipolar

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor31 July 2016, 10:22 pm AEST

Re: Spouse and bipolar

It can make a world of difference @M_A, to be heard and understood ....

I haven't found anyone on the forum who has the same issue I do, a hubby with and eating disorder in the state mine is in, and what that has meant to our family and our family dynamic, but there are so many areas of cross-over with the associated disordered behaviour and mind-set with other conditions that I feel like I am amongst friends who understand here ....

We may yet find another condition underneath the e.d. yet .... not clear enough about ocd to be able to pinpoint whether that's it ... or bipolar .... or what .... but it would appear that the e.d. is masking, or stemming from, something else besides.

🌷💕

In response to: Spouse and bipolar

M_ACasual Contributor31 July 2016, 10:39 pm AEST

Re: Spouse and bipolar

It isn't easy to have different circumstances. It is difficult to find someone that understands. I can truly relate to that. I don't believe anybody else has gone through what I have. I have spent 6 years busting my ass and wanting to be with my husband so much and when the time finally comes that we get to be together, I seem to get pushed away. I know there are things I should do to get closer but you get to a point that you're not sure what is right to do next. I wish you luck in your efforts in finding out exactly what is happening with your husband. That is the most frustrating thing in the world. Not knowing what is causing your loved ones illness. We went through that for years with my father. The doctors kept saying he had had strokes but his body was just deteriorating. He finally got diagnosed after one day at the Cleveland Clinic. He had Multiple System Atrophy. His brain was shrinking. There was no cure but they treated his symptoms and made him more comfortable.
My hopes and prayers are with you

In response to: Re: Spouse and bipolar

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor01 Aug 2016, 12:11 am AEST

Re: Spouse and bipolar

Thanks @M_A

Lost my Mum to scleroderma years ago now .... same sort of story .... it masqueraded as a series of minor illnesses, but she was deteriorating fast ... so awful when you know there is something wrong but can't flag down help ....

Like everything else, it's a journey ....

🌷

In response to: Spouse and bipolar

TiggerooSenior Contributor05 Aug 2016, 1:48 pm AEST

Re: Spouse and bipolar

Hey @M_A,

I too have a partner with Bipolar... and unfortunately yes, in the past, i have been told on MANY an occasion, to leave, to f* off, to get out, that i dont love him, that he doesnt love me, that i make everything difficult... you are not alone! xx

My partner has told me on many occasions he isnt actually angry with me, he is just so angry at everything and i am always there, so i cop it.

I cannot advise what will work for you but here is my story, which may help. After many sessions of counselling (with both of us in the session) we discovered that my partner had never really had anyone stick by him (he is from a family who split to opposite ends of the country when he was young) and with his new diagnosis he didnt think I was going to stick around either. So we worked on our communication skills and focussed on "i am feeling..." statements, and I would always end mine with "i am feeling... but i understand your feelings and I love you". If he told me to get out, i would say "I am going out for x time, to allow you some time to gather your thoughts and then i will be back to discuss without yelling at each other", this also gave me time away to regroup and get my game face on for round two. He didnt like physical closeness to people in general (it made him uncomfortable) so sometimes after he had calmed down but before we would talk, i would sit near him and just reach out to touch him so he knew i wasnt angry at him (even if i secretly was!). As time moved on, we both (but mostly him) got better at explaining our feelings and the "verbal abuse" stopped as he learned to express himself properly.

Even though now my partner is quite stable, in times of high stress he will sometimes forget to talk, or just ignore that step because he is being a jerk and still say hurtful things. I am more confident now to tell him that i dont believe he means them and that i do not deserve to be spoken too like that so i am going out for a while as he has upset me, and you MUST go out, dont stay and be upset, go and do something for yourself, i like to take a book to a cafe and have a coffee. He will then apologise and explain to me why he acted the way he did, we then address what is causing him stress and i ask him to come up with an idea as to how we together can help get him through it.

Having a partner with Bipolar is challenging. If you are both willing to put in the effort to push through I would encourage you to do so as there is always a sunrise after the dark, but utilise health professionals such as psychologists, you need the support as much as he does.

Best of luck,

Tigs

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