PowderfingerSenior Contributor
Lower than the rock bottom
I posted recently about my mental breakdown. I'm not out of it yet so I can't focus on recovery whatsoever. Everything is suffering because of it. My relationship, business, me and my life generally. I feel incredibly helpless and angry.
My thoughts are disordered and change from one minute to the next. How do you tell anyone at all the seriousness of it when you really don't have the energy to speak. That is how it's gotten for me. Talking is just nothingness. Just a bunch of words and nothing changes.
Occasionally I may watch my partner. She may be whistling a tune and I hear it. I say nothing. It's like we are in two very different worlds. I feel completely distant and in some far off place on my own.
Then there is the constant feeling of that aloneness. That I'm completely alone. No one can see me and I'm not there. I have to try make sense of the words someone in saying and just to even hear sound is quite annoying. When I do talk, it's almost surreal. I know I'm talking I just don't feel present at all.
There is no concept of time. If I have to talk to someone my view is to get it over and done with so I can just be left alone. Put on the face that all is fine then go home and be my not fine self.
Why do I do it? Because I don't need the pressure and million and one questions. Are you on medication? Maybe you should see a doctor. Maybe you can talk to a mental health professional, maybe go on a mental health plan. Are you eating and exercising. Oh, you poor thing. I wish there was something I could do. And the list goes on. I just shut down further.
It doesn't matter anymore how much the stgma around mental illness is being worked on, there is still stigma. The main message I get is, no one wants to speak to you if you are not happy, have not got it together and are not depressing to be around. In short very few people care and very few people listen.
So each day goes by am I'm sinking deeper and deeper in with no energy to try anything at all. Just an inner screaming that is there 24-7. It doesn't go away.
