Lower than the rock bottom

@NatureLover

Depression is very tiring and so is a nervous breakdown.

Thank you for your sympathies. Grief and loss. Too much of it in my life. So much that I don't even want to experience it anymore. I'm tired of experiencing it.

Yes, damage. That is the key theme. They were two adults filled with hatred, anger and deep problems as individuals and together. Unfortunately I became everything to direct that onto in multiple ways by both of them. Sometimes, I think what if I told people the truth now. I couldn't back then, I was a child. No one helped me. They supported the people that were hurting me, they didn't help me.

I was made out to be the problem child. I wasn't a problem. No one bothered to ask me if I was OK. I was just the problem child. My mother was an ass. Emotionally stunted. Anything to do with me, she would call her friends to come over and sob with them about me. I would get the third degree as if I was the problem child again. No one spoke to me, I was just the problem child.

Now, many times I just think to myself, rot in hell.

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@Powderfinger wrote:

@NatureLover

No one helped me. They supported the people that were hurting me, they didn't help me.

...

I was made out to be the problem child. I wasn't a problem. No one bothered to ask me if I was OK. I was just the problem child.

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@Powderfinger , I'm so very sorry that this happened to you. It's not fair at all. It leaves terrible lasting damage.

I do believe it's possible to gain some recovery and healing - not fully, as the damage is too deep (in my case too). I really hope that you can gain some healing from your terrible hurts.

And @Maggie ...no words are sufficient, just a hug for all your horrendous pain...

@Maggie

Regarding the relief you felt when they were both gone, I thought about it. Perhaps the relief you felt was that in some way it truly was all over and they were no longer around to abuse you and others? Another possibility is the feelings of relief could be associated with feelings of being torn with your parents? I mean them being alive and you having nothing to do with them. The fact that they were no longer alive, means you were free from those feelings of being torn. I'm not saying this is the case, just a thought. If there is no answer to it, there is no answer. You are not bad or a bad person for feeling relieved.

I'm glad you found your someone. Sometimes, I just can't talk. Whether it be in person or online. I don't know if it's habit or that I just don't have any energy. I just accept that I can't talk.

Yes, you are right. Connection for me is extremely difficult. I don't know. I'm at the point in my life where I am thinking, I'm so tired of trying to "fix my issues" that some of them I just accept now. Some of them just can't be fixed in a short period of time.

I'm disconnected from my sharing. It makes it a little easier. I realise that the things I'm trying to do at the moment can only get done when I can manage. That's really hard to accept.

@NatureLover

It sure does leave lasting damage. I'm sorry that your damage is too deep. I know that holding onto the past is useless. It provides no real good. You don't forget, but perhaps trying to release it somehow may work. I have not found anything.

I have C PTSD so intrusive flashbacks and memories can happen sometimes. I feel that no other person than the person who went through it knows what's right for them. I stopped reading about different therapies and such. I stopped reading self help books, I stopped reading many things. Now, I just simply listen to myself and go with that.

The thing is I feel this hatred. Have been feeling it these last few days but it's not mine. It's more like someone else's hatred and it feels horrible. When I think about some of my abuse, I can't fathom it at all. Then there's the comparisons. There are others out there who were much worse off than me. Comparisons aren't good either.

As for my nervous breakdown. I still have no idea what I'm doing. I worry that I'm going to get to this therapy on Monday and not be able to talk. Sometimes, I just can't. It seems to be getting worse not better.

I'm sorry for all you have suffered and endured.

@Powderfinger I can only say I’m hearing you today. And sending caring warm thoughts. 💙💙

@Maggie

Thank you. Sometimes, we can only say very little when we are struggling ourselves. Just that I'm being heard is enough. Thank you.

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@Powderfinger wrote:

I know that holding onto the past is useless. It provides no real good. You don't forget, but perhaps trying to release it somehow may work. I have not found anything.

I have actually received a lot of healing for my complex childhood trauma through being able to talk it through in therapy, and being validated that way. It's taken years, and is not finished yet...it may never be finished. But it has enabled me to "move on" considerably, and be content with my life now, despite the pain always being there in the background.

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@Powderfinger wrote:

As for my nervous breakdown. I still have no idea what I'm doing. I worry that I'm going to get to this therapy on Monday and not be able to talk. Sometimes, I just can't. It seems to be getting worse not better.

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I find I express myself better in writing, so I always type in a document what I want to talk about in therapy, and my psychologist reads it - sometimes it's quite long, pages and pages. Would that help, do you think?

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@Powderfinger wrote:

I'm sorry for all you have suffered and endured.

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Thank you for your kindness, I appreciate it...I am sorry likewise for all your suffering. 😞

I went and got my mental health plan today. I was doing okish. Meaning not losing the plot every five minutes. Got through most of the day.

Then hit a really bad turn this afternoon/evening. I felt as if I was right back at the start. I sobbed for quite a while. I was feeling no relief from anything and I couldn't cope at all. Things have gone from very bad to ten times worse with me. I can't even think about work at all now, where as that was my distraction when I could manage. I'm really struggling to hold on.

@Powderfinger I’m really sorry you are feeling this bad.

Its just at the time you want to say so much, but have nothing to say. I understand, I really do. And I also know that is not at all helpful. Sometimes, all anyone can do, is sit with you, validated your feelings, and let you know you are not alone. So, here we are, @NatureLover @Lostandalone @Tufftimes me . . Sitting with you, because your pain matters.

Sending you caring and tender thoughts. 💕💕💕💕

@Maggie

Thank you. Yes, sometimes there is too much and you can't speak. Words are useless and flimsy. So, the still and quiet is better.

2 more days and I'm in therapy. I dread it and welcome it at the same time. I know I need a lot of help and extra support.

I am going to my first novel writing group with the writers association where I live today. Hopefully that will distract my mind for two hours into something I enjoy.

In saying that, there are no words for what I'm going through. I feel bad when others have gone through things and I'm talking about my stuff. I know where it comes from. Courtesy of being attuned to my mother's every need when none of my needs were met. Therefore my needs and me simply were not important, more of a hindrance and inconvenient for her. Well now she no longer has me. Not that it would mean anything to her. She'll find someone else.