When self worth gets tied to happiness

@bleepbloophello Welcome to the forums.

Theres a lot to think about in your post. A lot of deep thinking.

Someone said to me recently, when we change the shift from success, to acknowledging efforts, there’s a shift. It’s a thought I’m working through, but just leaving it here, to see what you think.

I will have to think through the other stuff.

Thanks for posting. Look around the forums and join in elsewhere. Lots of interesting topics.

Welcome @bleepbloophello

Wow.... deep.... and very much food for thought and contemplation

Hi and welcome, @bleepbloophello ! It's good to have you here. 🙂

I agree that there's lots to think about in your very clear, insightful and thoughtful post.

My own thoughts on happiness are that maybe 'contentment' is a better goal to aim for. You can be content with your efforts, even if they don't arrive at happiness. I don't think anyone can be happy all the time, anyway. A problem is that some of us aren't taught how to fail - I mean, how to live with feelings of failure or limitations or non-success in something. Failure is a normal part of life, but we somehow feel that it makes us worthless.

I am impressed with all your efforts at keeping your mental health on track. But I can see your problem, that you feel you're not working hard enough if you get sad. I think you are half way there, as you have so clearly articulated how you feel about this conundrum. When you find the answers, please let us know! 🙂

Thanks all for your engagement and responses. @Maggie acknowledging effort sounds like a good alternative to seeking success all the time. I like the idea of it being about how hard you tried, not just the end result. This kind of ties in to what you were saying @NatureLover about being content with your efforts. And I really liked your thoughts on failure being a normal part of life. I thought maybe I'd have to reframe things so I felt I hadn't failed at all but that's an interesting alternative, to be more comfortable with failure. Thanks for reading my post and giving such thoughtful and encouraging responses.

Hi @bleepbloophello Welcome!

Great post. I relate to a lot of what you're saying.

On happiness cult(ure) have you read this? The illustrated version is my favourite.

I also have Bipolar 1 and you are so right about the hard work and time it takes to live with it. It's very hard to convey to the vast majority who have never experienced it, which is one reason I have gained so much from the forum - plenty of people here who get it.

I also have to admit that when things are smooth and I'm happy, it does feel like success. I think it's ok to enjoy it. However, it is a very short jump to a reality check for me in the shape of anxiety, depression, or signs of a mixed episode. It's taken a long time, but I no longer have the converse that you mentioned 'I am doing something wrong/not trying hard enough when I am sad.' I've had 30+ years of it and do my best to just ride the waves. In The Happiness Trap Russ Harris talks about the struggle switch. This was a revelation to me - the idea that by battling difficult emotions/those we don't want we add layers to our suffering. Switching it off is a whole other level of zen that I do not much posess, but it's an aspiration.

'Being good at mental health' made me smile. You seem to have a lot of insight. You mentioned finding other things that frame your identity - I'm curious if you've got anything in mind.

Thanks @frog - I haven't read that book, though I've seen it around. To be honest I always worried it was one of those 'you can change your life' super intense style self help books but now that I've looked it up I see I was mistaken! It seems very grounded and reasonable, and very relevant to what I am talking about. I just watched a couple of videos on the happiness trap website (one on the struggle switch, one on the 3 myths of happiness) and found them helpful and insightful. Particularly the idea that the natural human state is not happiness but rather a constant flow of emotions. It's such a simple concept but somehow I forget that 'total stability' will never be achieved. And it'd probably be boring even if it was possible.

It's nice to meet a fellow person with Bipolar 1 and your acknowledgement of how hard it can be makes me feel a bit less weird for struggling so much. So, thank you.

In terms of other ways to frame my identity.. I'm not so sure. There are things I can do well, e.g. expressing myself through writing.. There are areas I'm involved with, e.g. music.. At the moment I'm unemployed so basically have LOTS of time to go down the self-betterment rabbit hole (learning about mindfulness, obsessing about my thoughts/emotions/behaviour) which is maaaybe not healthy. I'm very, very inwardly focused right now and I'm finding it hard to let go of my grip on myself if that makes any sense.

Thanks for responding. I'm going to check out some more happiness trap materials!

Hi @bleepbloophello

I am generally a bit skeptical re self help books, but I make an exception for Acceptance Commitment Therapy. And Tara Brach. And sometimes Brene Brown.

Self reflection can be a double edged sword, and the covid situation makes it hard to find a balance for a lot of people. I hope you are getting some enjoyable down time. I often fall into the trap of thinking that I need to be productive on some level all the time; I have trouble stopping.

You write really well btw.

@bleepbloophello Checking out Tara Brach now! Looks incredible. The Radical Compassion work especially, thank you for sharing this How is the double edge sword going? I think self-awareness/ reflection is also an interesting balancing act. Sometimes can find my own reflections can become quite deep and move into self analysis and then occassionally criticism. Your words here are very reassuring and I am sure heaps of the community will relate. Chat soon