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Lost and isolated

RexyContributor28 July 2016, 10:41 am AEST

Lost and isolated

Hi everyone, I thought since I have been replying to some of the posts in this forum I should share my experiences. I was a firefighter and did 5 tours to Victoria to fight the Black Saturday fires.

I was part of the first responders from out of state and some of thing I saw still haunt me now. On the 5th deployment, a tree fell on my fire truck and I was on the back of the truck doing spoting. The tree crushed the truck and I was centermeters away from being dead. the week before a fellow firefighter was killed by a tree crushing his truck and for a long time and still now I feel guilty that he died and I lived.

The attitude of the fire service at that time was to be a man and suck it up, I tried this for near on 6 months until I had to admit to my wife I have a problem. 1 month later I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and Depression. I have tried to take my life twice and lost my job and became very angry, I felt that I had nothing to live for, but my saving grace was my wife who has been through the bad and really bad times and has never given up on me.

I have been admitted to hospital in the psych ward once and I hope I never do again. In the beginning of my MI, I was negative about everything, non emotional, angry, isolated and lost. I had no idea of where I fitted in to society. The Brigade I belong to ostrasized me and made me feel isolated, which brought out anger so that was the end of that.

Reading some of the posts, I relate to them in many ways as I have been through all the emotions they describe. It has been a hard slog to get medications, Doctors, Psychiartrists and Psychologists to all work together to get me into the state I am currently. The state I am in now is I am coping with my MI but it never goes completely away, certain triggers bring me back down, but I have to work my way back up.

This MI has destroyed alot, most of my adult children do not speak to me or my wife and have not for 8 years, I had a complete breakdown which lost me my job and developed the symptoms of a stroke and spent 10 days in hospital.

The positive side to this is that I have been improving albeit at a slow pace, my wife gets to see a glimpse of her old husband on the odd occasion and sometimes now I even laugh.

This MI is like a rollercoaster, every morning I wake up, take my meds, the day could be good or a disaster, or my meds put me in a stuper where I don't react to anything.

Well that just about sums everything up, please feel free to comment

Regards Rexy

16 replies

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In response to: Lost and isolated

RexyContributor29 July 2016, 9:00 am AEST

Re: Lost and isolated

Hi 1731LC, I agree with you would love to move away and leave all my baggage behind me but just not in a position to do it. I have no doubt that if I could move it will follow.

Warm regards Rexy

In response to: Lost and isolated

RexyContributor29 July 2016, 9:05 am AEST

Re: Lost and isolated

Hi Utopia, I was an interstate deployment not part of the CFA, the RFS is the one in my home territory that has given me no support. The ironic thing is they gave me a Queens Medal the first time for firefighters but as you might understand the medal does nothing to repair what has been damaged.

Warm Regards Rexy

In response to: Re: Lost and isolated

MoonGalSenior Contributor29 July 2016, 9:18 am AEST

Re: Lost and isolated

Hi @Rexy - I too live with cPTSD (I have a cornnucopia of MI..) and I am just now starting to think about EMDR as a treatment, i am SO sick of living with frozen brain, flashbacks etc - Have just been through a long hard haul having to deal daily with the person who abused me as a little kid, and while I looked like I was coping on the outside I was withering on the vine on the inside. It was just yesterday I was googling to see if there is EMDR practioners in my home state anywhere near me. I would be interested in hearing how that goes for you

@1731LC - I sometimes fantasize about moving and starting it all again - but know i would just take myself with me. in fact back in my 20's I moved a stagerring 30 times in 5 years hitchiking around the country, starting new releationshipsand jobs - but I always fell over into a huge hole, unfortuantely what ails me is inside myself... and she comes with me where I go. Dammit!

In response to: Lost and isolated

utopiaSenior Contributor29 July 2016, 1:54 pm AEST

Re: Lost and isolated

@Rexy. How did you go with your first session? I chose my first session to be done on Panic Attacks - I didn't want first one to be my incident. And I wanted to test it. It was easy in the chair. Done. Felt great. The next day - felt like a truck had hit me. Shaking.
My 2nd time - we did the incident at work. By the end of session - felt calm. 10 being the worst - I was down to a 2. And no after effects like the first time.
I wish you well

In response to: Lost and isolated

utopiaSenior Contributor29 July 2016, 4:34 pm AEST

Re: Lost and isolated

@Rexy. I'm sure you would trade 100 medals for this never to have happened. I'm so sorry it did.

In response to: Lost and isolated

pipSenior Contributor30 July 2016, 9:05 pm AEST

Re: Lost and isolated

Hi Rexy. Sharing your painful memories must be so hard. The pain you suffered knowing that you could do nothing to save your friend and colleague. It would also seem obvious your children have no knowledge or concept of the terrific struggle you faced and still face with everything you went through. Firefighters, ambulance, policemen, anyone in public service work like yours are facing incredible dangers every day. My ex was a supervisor in a female prison and for over 10 years, he suffered the threat of stabbing, assault, not to mention bullying from his general manager. I wish I had a magic wand to wave over you and take away your pain. I'm not making light of your suffering, believe me, I'm so sorry for your pain. Were you able to make peace with your colleague's widow I(presume there was a wife), this would help both of you tremendously if you could talk to her about him. You obviously have fond memories of him, as she would. It's so sad the fire service's attitude is the way it is. If you could've been de-briefed that too may have helped. I'm pleased your wife has stood by you through this tragedy. You need to forgive yourself for a tragedy that you couldn't prevent, it's important you understand and accept that there was nothing you could've done. Had your colleague survived, you may have been the one who lost his life. I realize that's small comfort, but I'm sure your late colleague realized there was nothing you could do. Hope the sun shines on you tomorrow.

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