New here, my story (BPD).

Hello everyone,

I hope to read a lot more and contribute when I get some time. I've had a glance around and it looks like there's a lot of support and great advice here.

My story is that I'm separated from my BPD girlfriend. It's been 7 months, and we recently reconnected. It was previously my decision to leave (though, as I'm sure others can appreciate, at the time it felt hopeless, and I felt that was the only solution). It was also my decision to reconnect.

The last week or so has been up and down, as expected. We did spend a day together, and it just felt like home, for both of us. It was awkward and tense at times, but still ... comfortable.

After leaving and going back 4 times previously, naturally her, and those around her, are cautious (putting it nicely). I've availed myslf of some forums, therapy, and literature in the past, though it tended to drop off once the relationship felt 'back on track'.

7 months is a long time. I'm shocked that I still have such strong feelings for her, though not displeased. I also have a lot of shame around the fact I left her, more than once, which of course is just seeing her realise her greatest fears. Of course, if a relationship were ever to be rekindled, I know the trust issues and abandonment fears would be at all time highs. Not insurmountable I'm sure, though she feels they are.

I know she still has strong feelings for me too, but is worried about getting hurt. Probably reflective of what I felt when I said 'enough' in the past.

I realise I've not previously put in the hard work required to support somebody with mental illness. I'm not saying it's easy, or that my reasons for leaving weren't valid, however what I felt were excessive overreactions and wrong perceptions of hers at the time, are just manifestations of something deeper that was making her feel afraid, and which often stemmed from my own reactions to situations, that should have been approached differently.

As it stands, she leaves for a holiday for 5 weeks soon. Not that I believe it could happen, given recent discussions, but entering a relationship with her would not be ideal given her long absence, and further, given that I want to make some changes around self help and education, which i've promised before but not followed through with. I actually need to know within myself that I've done something different this time, truly done all I can to be the best partner and carer I can be. Thinking about it, that gives me a solid two months ahead which I can use to address what i'd like to. Mindfulness/meditation, general mental health awareness, literature (specifically When Hope Is Not Enough, New hope for people with BPD, and The 3rd Alternative), online forums such as this and the ATSTP forum, and recommencing my own therapy as of next week - these are my starting points.

I understand that this is a long road, it will hurt at times, it will require sacrifice and constant personal evolution. However, I'm positive I want this to work for the right reasons (not just that i'm lonely/bored/etc - I did have to check myself a few times over the last 7 months and held back contact because i wasn't sure if it was for the right reasons), and that I want to stop being just another person to walk out on somebody when they most need support.

I'd love to hear from anybody else who's been in a BPD relationship, advice, thoughts, suggestions are very welcome. I'm in Perth, WA, so am particularly interested in hearing from people locally who may know of good support groups.

Hopefully talk to you all soon across the forums.