First time here

hello and hugs @HowtoHelp

letting you know you are not alone my friend xxx

@BPDSurvivor, @Determined

Hey @HowtoHelp ,

It's great you have reached out! It's not easy living with someone, let alone perhaps two people, with BPD traits.

It's so good to hear that your daughter has come a long way since therapy. I've also experienced this after 18 months of intensive MBT. This just shows that the BPD is not a life sentence. I myself have found the BPD journey amazing. I've learned so much about myself as well as other people, and about how mindset alters our perspective on things.

It's OK that your husband refuses to acknowledge he has any mental illness. The words 'mental illness' can be quite confronting especially for people who can only connect mental illness to institutions and straitjackets. We have to acknowledge that mental illness has only just been more widely accepted. Rather than term it mental illness, perhaps ask him whether he is satisfied with how things are in terms of relationships with people. If he is happy, there will be a little chance of change. However, if he can see things are not working, perhaps the next challenge is to ask, "what do you think we can do about it?"

If you do believe your husband has BPD traits, believe me, one thing borderlines hate is to be told what to do. We see this as you controlling us. A borderline's world is already so messed up and unstable so that going against anything you say is what gives us a sense of control.

Although this doesn't solve your problem, I hope it has shed some light into a borderline's mind.

All the best,

BPDSurvivor

Thank you so much @BPDSurvivor . This has helped me so much. I have actually asked him how he feels his relationships are and he immediately acknowledged that things definitely have to change. I think he needs to process this before he will want to seek any sort of help for it though. He did say that he has not time to do the 12 month intense therapy that my daughter has completed, but I am assuming that is not the only method of help?

Could I ask you another question please?

When my daughter is having an episode of self doubt, or anger or feeling like everything is going wrong and it is her fault, what words do you think would be the most comforting that won't trigger her. I am always so afraid to say the wrong thing that will completely tip her over the edge.

Again, thank you so much. You helped me understand why either of them don't like to be told what to do... thank you. This has been such a blessing because now I am not "telling". I haven't quite worked out how to communicate or ask for something to be done, but at least I know why the anger is there when I do.

Thank you @BPDSurvivor. So very grateful.

Hi @HowtoHelp ,

I'm glad my post somewhat gave you insight into the head of someone with BPD - often messy LOL.

Youve asked a very valid question concerning speaking to your daughter without triggering her. To be honest, the work is done OUTSIDE moments of self-doubt and anger. When we are angry or emotionally distraught, the best thing for us is space. Often, we are so fused with our emotions that anything you say is wrong and a trigger.
Most important thing is having conversations prior these moments where your daughter can be reasoned with e.g. "I understand you get upset sometimes. What do you prefer me to do? Stay and speak to you, or give you space?" Once again, this means WE are in charge - you have empowered us with the option to choose. Then, if things do happen to go haywire, assure us you are there for us, but as discussed, it feels better you give us space (or stay with us, depending on what we have chosen). There is little point reasoning with a heightened borderline. Please also note, that discussions also need to be made to set boundaries to keep you safe and not in the firing line or a borderline. For example, for some, it may be perhaps discussing they are not appreciative of abuse and will walk away if it happens. (I'm not sure of your circumstances, so I don't know if this applies).

The main thing is, the work needs to be done at a time when we can be reasoned with, and regularly. Borderlines tend to 'forget' when triggered. We are actually out of reality.

BPDMum @HowtoHelp please bear with us. You are doing an amazing job trying to support your daughter as well as your husband.

Please ask away if you have any other questions.

BPDSurvivor

Hi @HowtoHelp ,

How are you going? Just checking in to see how things are.

Please reach out as much as you feel the need to. We are here for each other.

BPDSurvivor