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How to help my sister

FlealeeContributor31 July 2020, 1:58 pm AEST

How to help my sister

Hi everyone

My family is desperate to get my adult sister the help that she needs. She is in her 40's and i think she may have BPD. How do we get her help when she refuses. The last 3 years things have been getting worse but the last 12 months have been so bad that her nieces and my Nanna are now afraid of her. She is so verbally aggressive and constantly agitated or cry-ranting. This behaviour used to be occasional but it is now contant. It's even effecting her job, they need to keep moving her to new areas because "everyone is an asshole and they all hate me for no reason". I think she will be fired soon (again). My mum has been trying so hard to support and has taken her to to our GP so many times, and then to the mental heath place several times, just when she seems to making progress, she says that her councillor is a bitch and they hate her - then she will stop taking any medication she has been given by the GP (antidepressants) and we start from scratch again.

I am a days drive away and feel so helpless. She is shutting everyone out now and won't leave the house except to go to work. It offer calls in sick.

How can we help her when the worse things are getting the more she is refusing help.

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In response to: How to help my sister

FlealeeContributor21 Oct 2020, 10:02 am AEDT

Re: How to help my sister

Hi Eve135

Never too late, thanks for taking to time to reply to me. I can absolutely see your point and it seems very accurate to her behaviour. I contacted her a couple of weeks later to see how she was going and you are right she jumped straight from hating me to idealising me, until I asked her if she had spoken to mum lately (is ignoring mum for not accepting aggressive behaviour). Her reply was very gutting - too horrible to even repeat on here.

I have made contact again after another 4 weeks silence to see how she is going and she is back to idealising.
I'm not sure what to do here. The new pattern since taking the amazing advice on her seems to be:

Innapropriate behaviour

I call her out in it "please don't speak to me/my daughter like that"

She throws hate at me, then cuts all contact from me and close family.

I contact her to check in after 1-2 weeks.

The previous incident is never acknowledged.

Then cycle starts again.

How long can I go without an apology, this is one of so many hurtful things she has said to me, but it's at the top of the list because it is fresh. My GP has told me to step back because it is taking a toll on me, but if I don't contact her no one will, she never makes the first step and I'd likely never hear from her ever again.

In response to: Re: How to help my sister

Eve135Casual Contributor21 Oct 2020, 7:05 pm AEDT

Re: How to help my sister

Hi @Flealee ...

Wow, it sounds like a really tough situation...I can understand how this would be taking a heavy toll on you and burning you out...

I can empathise as I am in a similar-but-different situation where my brother is experiencing mental illness but will not seek help no matter how much we all encourage him to. At the end of the day, I have to accept that it is not my role to be his therapist and I cant force him to do anything. Its out of my control...much like how it is for you and your sister. You've tried your hardest to help her, but she is refusing to take any responsibility to help herself. You are not her therapist, and its not fair for you to be burnt out and suffering due to her behaviour. It is very difficult to accept something is outside our control, especially if it involves someone we love. We cannot change anyone, or help anyone to change, unless they want to change themselves - taking responsibility for ourselves is paramount.

I would encourage you to do what you need to do to protect yourself. It might help to remember that "you cannot pour from an empty cup"...

If you feel you have the strength at the moment or some time in the future, and would like to try and maintain communication with your sister, remember that setting boundaries is absolutely vital (and a core component of treatment for BPD)...it is protective for you as well as for them. As such, it may be helpful to clearly outline what your boundaries are to your sister, as well as the consequences of breaching them, and stick to this without wavering...advising her that you love and care for her, but A, B and C are behaviours that you will not accept, and that should she engage in these behaviours, the consequences will be X. And make sure you stick to what you say, even though it is hard...you will know what an appropriate consequence will be (e.g. "if you are abusive towards me, i will end this conversation...though i will be available to chat again next week and will call you on Monday")...make sure you stick to what you say; predictability is key. The point of ending the conversation but offering a call again in a week says to your sister that you will not accept bad behaviour but you are not abandoning or rejecting her. While her behaviour is bad, SHE is not bad. You can have a disagreement with someone and this does not mean its the end of the relationship or that they hate you. Over time and with repetition, hopefully this will assist in your sister respecting you and your boundaries.

Sorry for rambling on. I hope this isnt too confusing and is of help.

Just remember that you absolutely are not her therapist and do not have any responsibility or obligation to "fix" her. That is not your job. Your only job in life is to keep yourself healthy and safe. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

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