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Partner passed, feeling a little lost

LukeeyohNew Contributor25 July 2016, 6:48 pm AEST

Partner passed, feeling a little lost

Hi, just a month ago my partner passed away from Melanoma cancer. She was 42. She had it for 6 years, though the last 6 months were her hardest fight. Most of which she did at home except for her final week. Now she has passed I feel empty physically and mentally. I lost a lot of weight during her sickness I got physically sick after she passed, I think my body just said that's it, you can relax and the nasties got me. Her 11 year old son went to another state to live with his father. It's like a double loss. My 13 year old daughter and I are butting heads a little as its only us left in the house and we are getting on each other's nerves. She helped a lot through my partners fight and I love her dearly. I think we are both exhausted. I thought it would get easier as time went on but the last few days I've probably felt worse than when she first passed away. The nights are especially hard as that is when we used to talk. While she was ill we had nurses here everyday and lots of people visiting. Now it's like a ghost town and is quite lonely. I guess if anyone else has experienced losing their partner you may be able to tell me things will get better. It just doesn't feel that way at the moment. Thanks

6 replies

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In response to: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

pipSenior Contributor25 July 2016, 8:14 pm AEST

Re: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

Hi Lukeeyoh. Please accept my sincerest condolences at your recent and tragic loss. The knowledge of your partner's pain, the fact that you couldn't stop the pain would be the hardest. You're right too, that her son leaving to be with his dad would be a double whammy. Do you keep in touch with him? I could tell you thing will get easier, but at the moment, that sounds like so much rubbish. Getting through each day is a struggle as you are still accepting her death. I would try talking to her (in your heart). Tell her how much you and the kids loved her and miss her. Try to think about the happier times before her illness became so apparent. If you and your daughter could take time each day to cry, and laugh at happy memories. Talk to your daughter about the frustration you felt at not being able to control the disease. Don't be scared to be angry at the senseless loss. Your anger won't hurt your partner and anger is part of grief. Anger, hurt, betrayal, denial, these are real emotions and are part of grief and eventual healing. The denial because you couldn't help her, anger that such a vital and beautiful person was taken so tragically. Hurt because you're hurting, those emotions are real and you need to acknowledge them in order to start the healing process.

In response to: Re: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

Unknown userMember26 July 2016, 7:29 pm AEST

Re: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

Hello dear @Lukeeyoh

So, so sorry for your loss - sincerely. My husband has cancer and other health issues and I do understand how hard it can be. I also lost my father to cancer. The grief was overwhelming initially. That is what is hitting you the hardest - grief. This pain will lessen in your time. We never totally get over losing someone but life takes a different journey and in time we learn to carry the pain and start to live again.

For now perhaps grief counselling will help you and help ease the loneliness if there is no one in your life that you can talk to. There is also online support for those in bereavement that you can google. Dont hold it in my friend, let yourself grieve and talk to us here. You are not alone. It will get better and your partner is always with you.

In response to: Re: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

AppleblossomSenior Contributor27 July 2016, 4:09 am AEST

Re: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

Hello @Lukeeyoh

Its a marathon dealing with someone dying of cancer. There are so many things to cope with and then they are gone. I have never lost a partner that way, but have a little experience of 3 people I cared about with cancer.

13 is also a difficult when a girl is just with her dad... or with her mum .. actually ... is there anything you can start up as a new bonding thing for the 2 of you. Weekly beach walk ... new pet ... Go to a show as well as the movies ...

I live with my son and sometimes we get on each others nerves ... sometimes being able to label it ... and call out our own grumpy moments ... with a sorry ... helps model a way for the younger one to deal with it ...without things escalating ... and can also almost become a thing of affection if we can laugh at it rather .. than get too niggly.

How long ago did your partner pass?

Grief is a funny emotion .. in a way its always with us .. but it does become easier to bear .. even if it doesnt feel life that now.

Take care and I hope the forums give you a way to connect.

In response to: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

LukeeyohNew Contributor27 July 2016, 7:06 am AEST

Re: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

Thanks guys. It is grief, you are right, and i am organising counselling. I thought I could handle it on my own but it just didn't work out that way. While she was ill it was such a whirlwind. There was no time to think about myself. Everybody used to ask how I was going but at that stage I wasn't sure. I didn't have time to think about me. Now it seems I have too much time to think about me. I'm sure I'll be ok, it's nice that you guys have responded to my post. If there is one thing I've learned from this tragedy is that there are good people in the world. Unfortunately, I've also learnt the world keeps moving forward, it doesn't stop for my grief, which is just me being selfish and wanting it to slow down. It's probably normal feelings, I'm not sure but I'm glad you guys have let me bounce off you. Thanks Luke

In response to: Re: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

MoonGalSenior Contributor27 July 2016, 10:01 am AEST

Re: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

@Lukeeyoh - so very saddened to hear of your partner's passing and the double whammy of her son moving interstate. Others here have more experience with similar lived experience - but I just wanted to acknowledge the very very hard yards that grief is. There is no right way and no wrong way to grieve, but ther eis NO avoiding it, you go through it.

I wonder if it might be a nice thing to do to contact some of the people who used to visit often and go out for coffee with one or two people a week.

Your daughter is at that age, the teenage time, her body and mind are changing and to have lost her step - mum in that time is again a very hard reality. I wonder if she may benefit from some one-on-one counselling as well?

Love never ends. Hearts expand. May you find peace eventually.

In response to: Re: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

DecadianSenior Contributor27 July 2016, 10:52 am AEST

Re: Partner passed, feeling a little lost

Hi @Lukeeyoh

You have been through a brutal time - I know from my own experience

It is hard even to communicate now difficult this is - and there are no words I can say to console you - only time will pass and it does get easier

But right now that doesn't mean much

And you have the other loss too - of her son moving away - and your daughter is butting heads with you - normal - she is grieving too

I am glad you are going to get some grief counselling - this will help - and it will help you to deal with the grief with your daughter too - it is possible that she doesn't want to go to school or whatever - she is fighting inside herself not knowing what to think

We have so many different feelings when someone dies - we need to find our way through the shadows and this is not easy

There are other people here who have lost loved ones - to illness - accidents - suicide - we certainly commisserate even though our experience have been different

Keep posting - it's one way of getting through the minutes when the only way we can make it is at one minute at a time

Decadian

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