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Knowing when to let go of a 20yr marriage

Ma2000Casual Contributor22 July 2020, 4:24 pm AEST

Knowing when to let go of a 20yr marriage

After being married to the father of my children for over 20yrs, I dont know when to say enough is enough. He walked out on us 15months ago stating that he needed to get help for his depression and didnt want to hurt us. He has been constant contact almost everyday since the day he left checking in on me and the kids however Ive just recently found out that he has been lying the whole time and had actually left us to be with another woman and her children. Now that my kids and I know the truth, logically it seems the right thing to just divorce him and move on, but hes now claiming that it is due to childhood trauma and is blaming all his lies and deceit on his desires to fulfil a void that he couldve done without the lies. He is a true narcissist and I the true empath. Ive read so many pieces on what to do but after 20yrs and 3 kids, I dont just want to give up if he is willing to get counselling. I dont know where the depression finishes and its just him being a jerk. Ive known him since I was 13yrs and after 26yrs, I feel like I dont even know who this man is or what I should do

4 replies

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In response to: Knowing when to let go of a 20yr marriage

BunniekinsSenior Contributor22 July 2020, 6:13 pm AEST

Re: Knowing when to let go of a 20yr marriage

@Ma2000 Hey Ma2000 I was married to my ex for 20 years and have three children. My circumstances of my marriage collapse were totally different to your own but I wanted to say that in the end I survived. It hurt and was hellish during the breakup seperation and finally the divorce but am now super independent and in that sense am happy that I took the step. You will survive you know and come out of it stronger. Am here if ever you want to talk. greenpeax

In response to: Re: Knowing when to let go of a 20yr marriage

Ma2000Casual Contributor22 July 2020, 7:07 pm AEST

Re: Knowing when to let go of a 20yr marriage

Thank you @Bunniekins I might just take you up on the offer to chat because right now, I dont feel anything but broken 😞

In response to: Re: Knowing when to let go of a 20yr marriage

BunniekinsSenior Contributor22 July 2020, 7:09 pm AEST

Re: Knowing when to let go of a 20yr marriage

@Ma2000 I am all ears sweetheart. It is so hard I know. xx

In response to: Re: Knowing when to let go of a 20yr marriage

Ma2000Casual Contributor23 July 2020, 11:34 am AEST

Re: Knowing when to let go of a 20yr marriage

Im finding it very hard to maintain the smallest respect I have for him. I know that I will eventually need to rebuild a coparenting relationship with him for the sake of my kids but his behaviour and his constant disrepect towards me seems unbearable most days. Theres no mutual effort and for some dumb reason, I actually still believe that at his core, he is a good person with a big heart. He wasnt always this horrible person and now all I can lean on is the memory of who he used to be which is why I ignore all the red flags because Im so hopeful that his potential to actually start doing the right thing by me and the kids will eventually become his priority

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