Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

@Former-Member

Like this list.

The 'letting go' is the bit I have the most trouble with.

Trust has been an issue for me @Determined but I have come to a level of peace having let go of things that are not mine to bear.

I just had a discussion about this with my counsellor @Former-Member and on reflection (for our situation/ me) letting go and trust are closely linked. (Need trust in order to let go).

Hi @Gemma20, interesting to hear you say we can be afraid to set boundaries. I am afraid to set boundaries because if my 20 year old son with bipolar broke them and we had to tell him to move out, where would he go? On a disability pension and no savings... what other consequences can there be as an option for breaking boundaries? He is currently in hospital for the 4th pschosis due to not taking medication regularly and we are wondering whether living at home should be on the condition he takes medication and has counseling regularly.

Hi @Pearl146

Sorry to butt in but if you add an @ before Gemma20 or any other member's name they will get a notification that you have mentioned tham in your posts (like I have done for you.)

cheers

Whitehawk

Hi @Pearl146

It's a bit of a catch 22 situation as not setting bounderies can lead to a child not taking responsibility for their mental health knowing all too well they don't need to step-up anf grow up as Mum and Dad will catch them and take whatever behaviour they throw at them. It can become a bad habit and toxic cycle for all involved.

Always remember that people who take their meds and take responsibility can lead a full life with bi-polar disorder. Can you talk to the hospital as to what support services are available for adults living independantly?. Afterall he will eventually want to leave home.

I feared the same as you but had little choice when I was close to breaking point and my younger daughter was traumatised. I spoke to a psychologist who kept me strong re bounderies. My daughter has returned home and has so much more appreciation for her family and respect for our bounderies. Goes to headspace regularly and when she's having a bad day or two chooses to stay at friends. Our relationship is so much better. There is no easy answer but if what you are doing is not working and causing a breakdown within the family things need to change. My daughter resented me for mollycodling her too as she said she's an adult and she said I treated her like a baby. Having no consequences when they lash out and for them not taking their meds or seeking counselling I learnt is actually stunting their growth/independence. They become so dependent on us which is not healthy.

We want to encourage them to eventually become self reliant re their mental health, afterall we will not be here forever to take care of them. We can love them and support them but in the end their mental health is their responsibility not ours. Hope this helps and that you can find some additional support services available to assist your son lead a productive life. Take care.

When it comes to helping our loved ones, using non confrontational or motivational communication can be difficult but it can also be successful, this involves fostering empathy, waiting for expressions of the need for personal wellness/well-being, growth/independence and building on these. This might include saying "we are in this together" ... "Am hearing you, it sucks having to take meds and I know you don't want to end up in hospital again, there are things we can do to avoid this" ... "What is concerning you the most about taking these meds, can we help you with ways you can discuss this with your pdoc to see what can be done about this as it is important that any changes are made in consultation with him/her" ... "Adulting is hard, this is what adults do"... "While you were in hospital I did a bit of research for you and came across this that helped us understand your condition a little more and found out that in addition to meds, xy + z can help you manage your condition a lot better. Would you be willing to see if it makes a difference for you?" "You want to be able to buy this, let's see if we can help you get a budget/ savings plan in place so you can achieve this goal"

There are a number of ways that one can phrase boundaries that show you care, this might include a phrases such as "because we love you we can no longer participate in doing things that we believe are detrimental to you being a responsible adult" ... and ... "The way we have been doing things is clearly not working and changes need to be made which may be difficult at first" ... and ... "As an adult the choice is yours, we are not forcing you to live here, but if you want to continue to do so ...."

Note: these conversations rarely go smoothly but practicing them with potential rebuffs can be useful, persistence is necessary.