I struggle in all social situation

Hey so I don’t really know what to say but I’ve always been depressed and low on life for as long as I've known, was always the shy kid and it's no different at 25. The biggest issue at the forefront of my mind is that I don’t know how to be sociable, I don’t know how to engage with people and I don’t like talking to people and it’s been like that for all my life. And it makes me upset because it’s something I’d really want but mentally there’s something holding me back.

It’s prevented me from taking my life further like getting further education, a new job, making friends and talking to people in general like family.

I don’t have an interest in what people have to say and I find it very hard to focus and engage because I find it hard to understand people when I want to. Whenever it’s my turn to speak I say something stupid because I don’t know what to say and I humiliate myself or I’m just not as intellectual.

I’m a strong believer I have an underlying condition like Aspergers or ADD. and at a young age I was given private Tudor lessons but wasn’t explained why. I’m not the sort of person to questions things but just accept them.

The problem is this mental barrier prevents me from seeing anyone, talking to anyone to see what’s wrong or what help I need. I always always try to do things myself. I struggle to physically get myself to see someone for help because before I try to, the stress of seeing someone is too overwhelming and I tell myself my problem isn’t that bad anyway when it probably is, so it’s never happened. I wouldn’t know how to explain what’s wrong with me because not even I understand it and my mind goes blank when I’m confronted with someone or my words don’t come out right.

I’m not at all suicidal, I always want to best for myself but I’m so limited by this issue. I’m stuck at a simple job that I’ve been doing for about 10 years. I want to do something better and I want to be earning more money. I want to be able to interact with people like everyone else and not feel awkward or disconnected all the time. I just feel very stunted when another part of my brain wants me to be doing so much more which causes a great deal of stress I feel everyday and I couldn’t tell you what that something more is.

I have no motivation, no aspiration, no interests, no emotions, people think I’m boring because of this, and I stay in my room all the time. And I hate it and I’m stressed because I’m like this. I want to have energy, passion and reason. I have so much anxiety socially, I feel very sensitive in any social situation and I feel like the only way to get through the day is to isolate myself from people as much as I can but I do try to apply myself to get out of this habit which isn’t improving it but exhausting me.

At any point I have to make contact with someone like a business or service it’s always email. I can’t use the phone, instant messaging gives me anxiety so I’ll take my time to respond, I struggle to see someone in person. I feel very hopeless because I can’t do these things and move on the way I want to.