I feel just awful today. I'm so disappointed in myself and am beating myself up for letting my Mum down today - in a big way.
She had an endoscopy this morning. Her procedure was at the hospital where I have seen many specialists, had many tests and surgery for my gastro tract issues.
I was supposed to pick her up after her procedure.
However, when she text this morning to see if I was still ok to pick her up and mentioned that if not, she had arranged for a friend of hers to do so as backup - I took the easy way out and let her friend pick her up. I gave her a call and we talked quickly, then I burst into tears and I admited that I was nervous about going to the hospital.
My mum has been the only support I've had over the past horrible two + years of being so very unwell mentally and the ONE time she needs my help, I let her down because I was too anxious and just couldn't. To the already long list of faults I have (that I didn't use to), I can now add 'unreliable' to the list.
I'm trying to figure out in my mind what it was that I was so anxious about.
That it was the hospital I used to frequent a lot myself? - I don't think so, because they helped me there.
That I haven't been out of the house for over a week, and actually driving somewhere, finding a carpark, navigating my way to the 'day surgery' area (which has moved from where it was when I attended) or going to pick up my Mum who needed to have something checked out, and it could be bad? - Maybe. The last time I visited someone in hospital was my Dad, and he came home a few days later to die at home. But, I have been in hospital myself since then - the mental ward of a hospital last year, two times for treatment that didn't work.
That this bloody illness has taken over my life so much so, that I can't now even be relied upon to help my Mum when I'm the only family she has locally (my sister is interstate) - Most likely.
I am weak, unreliable, selfish and a disappointment. I hate myself even more now.
Thankfully, Mum is ok. She has a hernia - treatable with medication. Her friend picked her up and she made it home safely and is now having a snooze after being up so early. She insists that it was no problem that I didn't pick her up and her friend did, but I know she'd be disappointed that I couldn't do it. Disappointed for both of us.
If I were my old self, I would have insisted I stay over at her place last night, drove her in this morning, gone and had breakfast and coffee, while waiting for her. Then drive her home and looked after her this afternoon and tonight.
But, instead I chickened out and have spent the morning crying and beating myself up. More guilt to deal with. I hate being who I am now, what a pathetic person I have become - I don't know how to get any better, I'm just getting worse. I should have pushed myself today to go. I probably would have done fine. I would have had my anti-anxiety pills on hand if needed.
Regret, regret, regret, guilt, guilt, guilt, shame, shame, shame, shame......
Thanks for reading. I don't expect any responses, I needed to get it out. I hope you all don't think too much less of me - you should though.
@Eve7 @Anastasia @Emelia8 @Bow @NatureLover @Zoe7 @BPDSurvivor @Maggie
