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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember08 Oct 2016, 8:10 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member, i had this big long reply for your question but took too long and it timed out - lost. Dare i say i don't think we can tell when we are about to cross the line teej, thats why we have crisis lines and MH forums... I have learned talking to someone really helps take some of the pressure off (if they don't panic), and ring them several times if you need to 'till it passes. It will, you know it will. I have to totally avoid alcohol and barbituates and opiate (when i feel like it most), every time i crossed the line those substances were in my system. Like me you have gained skills you didn't have before. You can identify the decline earlier now and slow down the acceleration. Youre chatting with us - pat yourself on the back. You are avoiding being alone. You have your Coping Box near by and Crisis lines on standby - you decide to be kind to yourself and use them if need be, without judgement or guilt. You gave any means of self harm to someone to look after for you or destroy or you've spread them around the house with a note on it telling you to call Suicide Callback &:the number. You've let your mental health worker / psychologist know how you feel. Try not to guilt trip, if you were a diabetic or asthmatic or haemophiliac... you wouldn't beat yourself up. It is what it is, and its hard but the more you practise skills toward recovery the stronger you become and the episodes will be less and less frequent. Big hugzz, we are with you. Keep posting. 💜💙💚💗

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember08 Oct 2016, 9:09 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member, remember, Its the anxiety (fear) that makes SI worse. You can separate the two. These thoughts are, just thoughts. We don't have to judge the thoughts, fear them, they can't hurt us on their own, let them pass, say 'that's interesting' and keep going back to your better thoughts & activity. You don't have to act on them, or attached an emotion to them. Do you know what i mean. Its hard to quiet the brain. I'm here 🙂

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

BlueBaySenior Contributor08 Oct 2016, 9:25 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member
I replied before but think I lost it.
Just want to say I'm thinking of you and sending you a big warm hug.
I totally get what you're saying.
Take care. Xxoo

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember08 Oct 2016, 9:38 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member

I'm here too if you need to chat or if you want to ask anything.

I think we are very similar, I have said that before, I too was once really struggling, and to look back now I wish I wouldn't have let things upset me so much. I think one of the hardest things I have had to lear is to let things go.

I know each person will have some similarities and also different circumstances and experiences. I'm not sure if this is making sense.

I think you need to have a checkup at the Drs if you not had one in a while. I know part of my problem is going through premature menopause and that really doesn't help with my depression & anxiety but I try to manage it the best way I can.

What have you been doing today?

Do you think you need more structure day to day? I have found that to be really important

I just hope you have some good people in your life @Former-Member You have been really good to me since I have joined the forum and I think you need to start to believe in yourself more. You are a beautiful person.

Thinking of you

PS My niece had her baby boy on Thursday afternoon. He was 4.1 kgs and 54 cms

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

utopiaSenior Contributor08 Oct 2016, 9:43 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member. I'm off to bed now. Early for me but totally physically exhausted.
Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and hoping this moment passes for you soon.
Keep talking with @Former-Member - she has some great advice to offer.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember08 Oct 2016, 10:05 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @utopia, @Former-Member, @BlueBay, @Former-Member, @Kurra, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member

I think I'm through the worst of it. Before I couldn't see an end in sight. I think my therapist was right yesterday that this is a pattern she is watching. It's like I lose myself. I guess I'm my own worst enemy really. She made me work out why I had crashed. Hormones + sleep deprived + forgot two doses AD + build up of things hurting and upsetting me. Add the extra medication I took yesterday I guess tipped me further today. But I feel part human again I think as hormones died down again, slept on and off today (mostly sleeping off anger). Back to normals meds.

@Former-Member I guess you were right. It is a matter of cocooning yourself and hanging on. I fought that all day. Pretty much had a vicious day in my head but I do feel calmer.

I think once I fessed up and came on here with everyone's support it helped me let go and breathe. I still find when you are in it sooo deep it's difficult to realise it's just a wave because at the time you can't see anything but self destruction. I'm glad I didn't go to hospital right now (although at some stages I wanted to go and be scolded by a mental health nurse telling me what a BPD waste of space I am as punishment-and yes that does happen in our public system)

Thanks all for your care and support. You are all amazing 💜💜💜🤗🤗🤗

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor08 Oct 2016, 10:09 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member

💜💜💐💜💐💜💜

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor08 Oct 2016, 10:10 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member

You're a treasure ..... ❤💕

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember08 Oct 2016, 10:11 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member, there you are, so glad to see you. 🎉 was getting concerned.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember08 Oct 2016, 10:22 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

👍Proud of you @Former-Member, riding through the worst of it tonight🏆 Glad we can be here for each other 💞. Hope you get a good sleep tonight. Keep posting if it helps. 👣 Be thinking of you. Wish I could post photos. Big Gentle Hug! Plz check in tomorrow 💜

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