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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
I pretty much hit destructive teej @Faith-and-Hope. Just need to not make things worse at this point, which I was just about to do. Your post was well timed as usual 💜
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Use make up (kohl pencil, blue eye shadow) and draw tears on your face for the ones you are struggling to cry .....
Draw (kohl pencil) henna tattoo designs on your hands.
A couple more suggestions @Teej
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hugs incoming @Teej
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
You are right @Faith-and-Hope . I’m not sad. I’m not sure what I am but if I was sad I would be safer. I need to cry but can’t. I so much want someone to take all that is in my brain and work it out and understand it and then teach me about it.
Heads up if if I stop replying that I’ll be out for the long sleep to reset.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Plait your hair until you fall asleep @Teej ..... keep those hands busy ..... teeny, tiny plaits.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Thanks @Faith-and-Hope😘😘😘. I’m on the verge of sleep. Am right on the edge of not being safe if I have more. Hopefully by the time you see this I be asleep.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Sans911 Do you know what is too much. I just made an arbitrary limit but don’t teally know what’s ok. Just know I’ve woken up before from this but it takes more and more now. It’s a shitty thing. I would love to push it further but have a kid in the next room. If this is too close to the bone let me know. I am slowing down but not passed out yet.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
I'm not sure if you're asking me a question or making a statement in that first sentence.
But I'm hearing you @Teej because I've been in that same position & and contemplating doing it right now. It is a shitty thing. Living is so hard. Surviving is harder.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Asking a question @Sans911. I know you can’t answer it directly but wondered if you knew or guess that same as me.
Please don’t start on account that I have done it and talked about it. You’ll have your brain cells tomorrow and I’ll be a zombie possibly starving my brain of oxygen. I read you are feeling shitty about the study. It’s ok if it’s not your time just yet. I believe you can do it.my stuff is complex for different reasons. I am a waste of space and will always let those I love down with my being a pathetic animal.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
It's been on my mind for days @Teej so didn't put the thought there.
It's very difficult to answer your question for many reasons. But I think I could tell you that it's unlikely to achieve what you think it might do.
I don't believe for one moment that you are a waste of space or a pathetic animal, but what I think may make no difference. Yes, your stuff is complex, and I don't even presume to know or understand the half of it.
But what I know is that the pain you're in must be insufferable and intolerable for you to be this way. I believe there will be a day in time that life isn't this way for you and you find better coping strategies.
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