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Something’s not right

I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

outlanderSenior Contributor16 Jan 2019, 10:33 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hugs @Teej 💜

Thinking of you @Shaz51 ❤

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor16 Jan 2019, 10:39 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Is there one you trust more than the other @Teej? If you tune out to their opinions, do you have a feeling about what's right for you (it sounds like you do but are struggling to trust that maybe?). There is a very fine line between gently encouraging someone to stretch outside of their comfort zone, and pushing them too far (over the edge even) sometimes I think.

I get how in some ways that last part might seem messed up. I also see the idea behind it or the escape fantasy, that it could be too. I think it's pretty understandable that you're thinking of an out when you're feeling lost, scared and stuck (understatements there probably).

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor16 Jan 2019, 10:47 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I know my therapist knows me better @CheerBear but I know I’m not moving forward too. I finally gave permission for my psych to contact my therapist today because I’m not dealing with the difference at all well. I trust my therapist 100% to know she’s got my back but is that enough. I’m sounding like a contrite spoiled brat.

Out seems sooo good now. I know it’s part in fantasy but only because I can’t wreck my sons oseas trip......but there’s always a but. What if I try and happen to succeed then it’s accidental because I didn’t mean to finish it. What if I try and don’t succeed?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor16 Jan 2019, 10:53 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

One of the hardest most cursed things I know is that if I try and succeed it will be deemed death by misadventure. I am in the high risk category for this. It somehow also lessens my responsibility for suicide. In my at risk moments this comes into my justifications always. It possibly not been a helpful thing for me to know. @CheerBear. So sorry for the deep and heavy.

I think my fear of the deep end is being taken over but my want to escape and get out. But that brings shame on its own of how gutless I am.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor16 Jan 2019, 10:56 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

You're not sounding like a brat @Teej. You're sounding like you're really stuck. You're also sounding like you're really thinking this through and trying hard to keep going even when it feels really scary. Its huge to have given that permission today.

I get the out feels so good and so tempting sometimes. It really does. I haven't had those intense fights for a while but I do escape to fantasy land sometimes still. What if you don't try? I'm not sure if you meant it in this way tonight but there often seems to be a 'but' and a reason, whatever it is, that tells you that is there something to hold on for.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor16 Jan 2019, 11:00 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

You don't have to be sorry for the deep and heavy @Teej. I am happy to sit with you in it.

I know it feels like it at the moment, but gutless is not sitting here being vulnerable. It isn't going to hard therapy sessions. It isn't pushing through and getting by like you always do. That is not gutless. That is brave.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor16 Jan 2019, 11:03 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

It doesn’t feel very brave @CheerBear 😢.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor16 Jan 2019, 11:07 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I know @Teej. It never does when you're sitting where you are right now 😔

I see you hit these really dark places where out seems so tempting and I see you come back from that. It's so hard to appreciate how much strength that takes when you're here as you are in this moment. These moments aren't forever ones though. I know you know this too.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor16 Jan 2019, 11:09 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I’ll let you go and wind down @CheerBear. Thank you for chatting with me.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor16 Jan 2019, 11:17 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Sorry @CheerBear my words and thoughts and emotions are a bit minced up.

Truth serum time. Tonight one of my sons rang pushing me to see him tomorrow. I don’t feel like I deserve his love and I know that if I go he’ll be the most affected. I wanted to yell at him not to love me because I’m going to hurt him one day. I am so scared for him and just about everything. I ran away and made an excuse not to see him. Everything feels so messed up 😓😥🤯😩

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Aboriginal flag

Torres Strait Islander flag

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.