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Something’s not right

I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

outlanderSenior Contributor18 Sept 2018, 7:11 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Sitting with you @Teej in words or silence 💜💙

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor18 Sept 2018, 7:19 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hugs @Teej ..... 💜🌹💕

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Sans911Senior Contributor18 Sept 2018, 8:32 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej

You had me so worried last night, as I knew you were pushing your limits. I honestly thought I was going to loose a friend who I've come to admire, respect and care about v. much. Today's been a tough day for me but you checking in has made things a little easier. Thank you 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor18 Sept 2018, 8:37 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I’m so sorry @Sans911. I really don’t know what happened. I just became fixated with pushing it. To tell the truth if I hadn’t come on I’m not sure what would have happened. I’d started before I came on. All day I’ve been trying to work out what was a dream and what was real. The real was taking more than I thought. The dream was having wet socks 🤔. Go figure. My mood is ok today but I guess part of that was the extra hit of ads :face_with_rolling_eyes:. Again I’m sorry I put you through that but I needed help.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Sans911Senior Contributor18 Sept 2018, 8:59 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

It's ok @Teej

Thanks for apologising, but it wasn't you talking yesterday. Your brain had taken control. I'm glad you came here. I realise things are pretty tough going at the moment. Please take care and I hope you find something good to stay alive for

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor18 Sept 2018, 9:09 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Sans911 I think I’m just so lost atm. I don’t know if you feel this way. No direction seems to last. I still don’t have any kind of feeling or gut reaction to them. When I do it’s often wrong and that is scary. I had a few things on the weekend happen that I realised I was totally rudderless. I had some pretty strong protective factors yesterday, thus me calling out for help but today a couple have gone.

How are you today? I really want to know honestly.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Sans911Senior Contributor18 Sept 2018, 9:38 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I've just tagged you on my thread @Teej

I'm having a difficult day. I've feel all those things you feel in your post. I spent 20+ years as a nurse always having some idea of what and where I wanted to go next. Now like you, I don't really know. I do know that I'll likely never earn the same as I used to, I've ruined my professional reputation in one particular hospital that I enjoyed working at previously, I've wrecked a previous promotional chance which was the highlight of my career, and my chances and life of working at sea is gone forever. Its a giant part of my identity that's forever gone or changed so its like a huge hole has been ripped out of me. I too often feel rudderless, and people tell me there'll be something else to fill me with purpose. But no one ever talks about my greatest loss and the impact it has on me. I have protective factors at times but then sometimes I think that no one but me knows my losses or pain, and it gets so hard to carry on. But I do carry on not knowing sometimes why I bother, hoping for a light bulb moment of direction or purpose and trying to remain curious about what is next.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor18 Sept 2018, 9:48 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I hear you @Sans911 and are getting more and more understanding of your loss. I guess when the part of us that feels like our entire identity is taken it feels impossible to find something to replace it with. I have no answers but am listening (I just lied a little, I have heaps of fixit answers but know none of them would be helpful just now or possibly ever). I am here holding your hand to help you through this. Hugs 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor19 Sept 2018, 7:47 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Are you around @Faith-and-Hope?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor19 Sept 2018, 7:50 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Yes @Teej ... for a little while ..... not by choice, by transport timetable .....

How are you doing ? 💜

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.