Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

3364 replies

2,721 - 2,730 of 3,364

1...272 273 274...337

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember13 Sept 2018, 10:01 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hey @Teej,

When you say 'self medicated' this concerns me. I'm sending you an email.

When needing to medicate it is important to always do so in line with your medical professionals such as a GP.

I hope the night was okay and you are waking up to a slightly sunnier day.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor13 Sept 2018, 12:23 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

****dark post about suicide

Am sorry and thankful at the same time. I completely flipped over something stupid yesterday afternoon. Last night I was so angry I didn’t care about anything. I knew it was a terrible time to suicide as it would really impact those I love even more as it would stop some of them achieving big milestones just now. At one point I was so selfish and justified it by saying why should I care I will be dead and not be here to see it. I’m so ashamed that I thought that. It’s when I did what I needed to and came on here to make sure those selfish moments didn’t win.

So sorry for the dark post. I’m ok today, not good but ok and going to see my therapist I am still fueled by lots of extreme emotions. Nothing more to say. No one needs to respond but this was just a response to say thanks for the support and I’ll try to work on things. @Former-Member, @outlander, @Faith-and-Hope, @Sans911 (and @CheerBear under the lsupport button). I really don’t want to bring anyone else down with me. I may stay away for a bit. My human has gone again for now and sh rage is in control for most of the time 🤬.

@outlander I really love that pic 💜

hugs to all 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

outlanderSenior Contributor13 Sept 2018, 12:27 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej 💜 💜 💜

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor13 Sept 2018, 1:43 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Big huge love you with what you're going through at the moment @Teej.

Big flips can be so tricky. What you said about the thought you had of not caring as you wouldn't be there to see it, I really felt when I read. It's the very thought I have when I'm having a really, really hard time. It's my knee jerk response to silly questions like "what about the kids?" that people ask with what I imagine is good intentions, but little understanding of the guilt and shame that is usually already there that doesn't need to be added to. It's the big scary one for me.

I have felt the pain of shame that comes after that thought too. It's yuck. For me it makes me feel like I'm the worst person ever, and that I am a terrible parent for thinking that way. Today I am having a good day and I know I am not a terrible person for thinking that way sometimes, and I am not the worst parent ever. I hurt and get stuck and want out of it, and sometimes the only out I can see at the time is that one. In a way I guess things like SI are a form of escape for me and I get why escape is tempting when things are so hard.

when-we-findthe-courage-to-share-our-experiences-and-the-8136426.png

With you Teej, really glad you did what you needed to do to get through ❤

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor13 Sept 2018, 5:01 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @CheerBear for sharing your me too moment.

I had an appointment with my therapist that didn’t go as planned and has hit me again but I’m ok.

Everything feels like it is coming from all directions at the moment testing me. I am so lost and confused as to how I go forwards from here.

Now that ive had a woe is me post I might say thank you for your post and I’m glad you are through this bit. I hope your day has had some sunshine and flowers in it.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor13 Sept 2018, 8:17 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hey @CheerBear. Thought I’d share my very very banana head day although this is an injustice to bananas. And for anyone else who wants to read about my banana head day.

Could not get going this this morning if my life depended on it. Was spinning in circles.

Took meds had two coffees to no avail.

Last minute mad rush to get to therapist because I lost track of time. No shower.

In car I realised I left my handbag home. Only walked out with keys and phone. Hadn’t brushed my hair or cleaned my teeth, then remembered I hadn’t put deodorant on either. Managed to find chewies and spare deodorant in the glove box 😊.......and an old hair brush I use as a dog brush. Cleaned that out and used it :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤦‍♀️. Went to the bank to get money out as I hadn’t paid her for 9 weeks (only small amount but it adds up). Did the maths and then wasn’t thinking and pressed the wrong amount. I was short but had just paid a $2:80 atm fee so didn’t pay her in full 😬🤦‍♀️. On the way home I had a really dry mouth and realised I’d taken my meds twice this morning......two coffees, two lots of meds :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤦‍♀️. Son rang me to borrow the car at a certain time. Did a food shop in a daze and completely lost track of time and had to ring him to sort out other arrangements. 😳🤦‍♀️ Had scripts to fill on way home, no handbag, no scripts :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤦‍♀️. I’m hoping tomorrow is less mashed banana head.

My mood is swinging wildly from tears to anger to hopelessness but im surviving. I hope your day has been ok. For now it’s not like last night so that’s a win. 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor13 Sept 2018, 8:33 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Oh no @Teej! Sounds like you went full banana today! I had a bit of a giggle at the hairbrush/dog brush. Seriously though, it sounds like you did really well with it all. It isn't easy to do much of anything with a banana brain. And points always can be given for trying 🙂

Not like last night is a great win, as is surviving 👍

Really good to hear from you tonight and thank you for sharing. That gave me lots of feels (and some giggles) 😊 ❤

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor13 Sept 2018, 8:42 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Lol i couldn’t even get the saying right @CheerBear. Banana BRAIN. In my case smashed banana brain. 😳😜🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor13 Sept 2018, 8:48 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I think there are a number of technical terms for it @Teej quite possibly depending on the level of banananess we're experiencing at the time 😆

I've had a mashed banana, some scrambled eggs, a melted snowflake and possibly a fireball from a volcano in my head at times - I understood 😁

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor14 Sept 2018, 6:12 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Morning @Teej

I'm having my coffee listening to and watching the day start and I can smell a pretty amazing spring scent. Last year, in our first year here, I remember sitting here in the same spot smelling it and not being able to work out what it was for ages. Finally I found what is quite an incredible plant in our garden.

Matthiola (stock plant). The scent from just a few of these is so strong! Ours are similar to the pink/purple ones at the front of this picture. I picked a really little piece and put it in my room and now my room and the hallway smells of it. Very cool 🙂

Just wanted to share as I'm thinking of you this morning. I hope today is OK enough for you. Big love 💗

2,721 - 2,730 of 3,364

1...272 273 274...337