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Something’s not right

I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor07 Aug 2018, 6:55 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

It was the psychologist that did the assessment that got into my head and I messed myself up in a 13 minute phone call @outlander, @Faith-and-Hope, @CheerBear 😔. I went from I’m trying and have a chance of being ok (not I’ve got this yet) to I definitely haven’t got it at all and I don’t know what is wrong with me and I’m just an insecure moron.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor07 Aug 2018, 6:57 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

😔 @Teej

Do you have an answer about the outcome of the assessment?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

outlanderSenior Contributor07 Aug 2018, 7:00 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

big hugs @Teej it sucks when nerves take over isnt it.
When will you know about your assessment?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor07 Aug 2018, 7:03 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

No and she was very stand backish and reiterated that all she’s done is an assessment with me @CheerBear. Another two weeks before I’ll know. Everyone keeps telling me that they thought I was going to be working with her (my cc and staff from my groups) but I know that is not the case. It’s hard because I think I needed someone like her to get in my head and help me work my way back into the real world. She uncovered heaps in that short time but because it’s an assessment there is so much pressure to pass or fail it. Imagine what I’m going to be like with job interviews and things. I’ll be a complete right off until I can address this stuff in a productive way. This was my last chance at doing this.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor07 Aug 2018, 7:06 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Please remember that we all have those feelings of insecurity @Teej ..... nobody is immune, although there are different degrees / phases / causes / reactions because we are all different ...... and beyond a diagnosis is a person .... we are people ..... a diagnosis is a working tool, and some diagnoses can change as the characteristics that define it alter with time, experience, support, loving relationships, treatment, therapy, etc ......

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

CheerBearSenior Contributor07 Aug 2018, 7:09 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

I'm hearing you @Teej. Assessment anything is just about enough to send me scarily close to the edge. An assessment for something like this that means so much when so much feels (and is) riding on it, has hard written all over it. Waiting is painful when things are hanging over our heads.

I know it's can be tempting to look into the future and how difficult it might be when right now is so hard. I don't know how helpful that is when we're in the middle of emotional storm like this one (says me who loves to fly away into future land too).

With you, listening and getting how scary it is.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor07 Aug 2018, 7:10 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Me too ❣️

@Teej @CheerBear @outlander

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor07 Aug 2018, 7:18 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thank you all for being here and letting me vent in what now seems to be a healthier way than how I was going to deal with it. @Faith-and-Hope, @CheerBear, @outlander. My head is still spinning but I guess I’ll try to get through it. I have my psychiatrist tomorrow and I’m scared about that too. I have no clue how that will go. It feels like we all are on tenterhooks until the outcome is known 😖

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

outlanderSenior Contributor07 Aug 2018, 7:22 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

hearing you @Teej

I really hope you still get to see her (or someone like her) now the assessment is complete. By the sounds of it she needs to run it by other people as well meaning your reaction on the phone isnt going to be the sole part thats taken into account, they need to look at the whole assessment.
Try not to loose faith yet, 2 weeks will seem like a lifetime so in the meantime find other things that keep you occupied even for short amounts of time.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

outlanderSenior Contributor07 Aug 2018, 7:24 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

i am really glad you come here @Teej keep talking to us, we're listening and hearing you

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.