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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor08 Apr 2018, 11:19 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

So good to see you @Teej ..... ❤️

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor08 Apr 2018, 11:27 am AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Wow I love that pic @Faith-and-Hope. I messed up pretty big. I hope your festive day goes smoothly.

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember08 Apr 2018, 12:21 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Lovely to see your purple mandala (you) @Teej!

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor08 Apr 2018, 12:32 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Can move past big mess-ups @Teej ..... feeling for you, hearing you ..... you matter more than the mess-up. Life is messy .....

Just soooo glad to see you ❣️ I miss you when you are not here and posting, but I wait for you, and I will always wait for you as far as it is in my power to do so ...... special friends .......

Hug !!!!! 💜

I love this image.

I think today will go smoothly enough ...... think also that things will start to happen at a different level in the months ahead ...... it has to surface at some time, and it seems to be starting to breach ........

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

AppleblossomSenior Contributor08 Apr 2018, 1:15 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

outlanderSenior Contributor08 Apr 2018, 3:50 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej 💕💜

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor08 Apr 2018, 5:38 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

💐🌹💕 @Teej ......

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

TeejSenior Contributor08 Apr 2018, 5:53 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope, @outlander, @Appleblossom, @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Former-Member

I’m physically ok. Managed to give myself serotonin syndrome which wasn’t much fun. Am now feeling really lost. I scared the kids immensely who didn’t know where I was and they rang police and hospital looking for me. I think we are all scared to face each other since. I have only seen s4 to give him a birthday hug. That was before I found out that they were distressed at my disappearance. I’m feeling so messed up and mixed up because of everything. It doesn’t seem to matter which way I turn I’ll be a burden for the kids and hurt them. I just want them to live happy easy lives and not have to look after me or be dragged into my chaos. Mentally I still don’t know how I feel, confused is probably the best answer and really tired. Hugs for all the support. 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

AppleblossomSenior Contributor08 Apr 2018, 6:16 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Teej

Hearing how confused and tired you are.

Sad that you had this traumatic experience.

It is good that your children are growing up and care.

Wish it was better.

I can only make some sense of things because I have long stretches of down time and short stretches of social time.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor08 Apr 2018, 7:04 pm AEST

Re: I am struggling at the moment

They want you around @Teej ...... not a crater that can never be filled in no matter what they do ...... mess they can live with ..... they knew it was messy, they know it will be messy for a while ..... it’s you who has to come to terms with it, they are already there .....

Their distress came from fearing that they had lost you. Remember their distress and understand that it dials back when they see you, they find you, you are there ...... no matter what sort of mess is involved in the moment. Their distress can’t match the level of relief in finding you.

Keep working at changing the self-talk @Teej ..... that is primary ...... and strengthen more paotive default channels.

Hugs n hugs ................... 💐💜💕

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