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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
Hi @Former-Member, yes, do add us all to your list of reasons to live.
It does sound like hell for you at the moment: - fits of rage over small things, - SH urges high & regressive - frightened of yourself
I've been where you are - its painful and exhausting, and so hard not to spiral down, but you have it in you, you've been here before, everything's going to be ok.
We must resist acting on the urges (thoughts), or setting ourself up, we must let it pass - say 'how interesting!' put hand to task. You are not your thoughts!
You know, my 'Libby' wants to take over and give you a talking to, straight talk (would you speak to me again if I let her out? hmm, shes a rogue and often stuffs things up so, not today).
But compassionate Tawnz wants compassionate Teej, to remind you to see that the reason we often sabatage, our progress is subconscious internal programing - our core beliefs! But they can change, and circumstances and feelings change, constantly, - so THERE IS HOPE!. Besides, youve come so far. Be kind and compassionate with yourself.
Have you learned about inner beliefs in CBT? - awareness is half the battle with it, to get in touch with our inner programming, and self talk. Accept our mouth (our words about ourself) This is a giveaway. Ancient writings say "out of the heart the mouth speaks" What are you speaking over your life Teej?
I'm no expert, and might have it wrong but just dicecting your earlier post, I found these telltale statements you made about yourself. I've added what might be the belief behind it:
"never being good enough" = NOT GOOD ENOUGH
"Not deserving of things" = DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING
"New year fear" = FEAR THE FUTURE!.
"Don't know how I'll get through" = DON'T BELIEVE IN MYSELF!
" I haven't come far enough to deal with what lies ahead" = NOT STRONG ENOUGH
"Don't trust myself to take a bath" = CAN'T BE TRUSTED
"thinking I dont deserve you guys" = DON'T DESERVE FRIENDS
" it's getting harder to ask for help" = DON'T DESERVE HELP
"my therapist has been through so much crap with me" = DON'T DESERVE HELP ... Did I come close? Its confronting I know but really, only you, your higher self can figure out the beliefs behind your words and actions. These are just off the top of my head, you're in control of your own beliefs and values.
Apparently it works in reverse too, "the power of the spoken word, the tongue" - Affirmations - speaking what we ought to believe over ourselves actually catches on. Louise Hay does a lot of work on Affirmations. My mother use to say "if you don't have anything helpful to say, don't say anything at all" She has a point - If that's too hard, we should zip it, or at least be careful HOW we say things so we don't reinforce negative programming that steer us back into mental stronghold ditches.
Is this making any sense?
I'm phasing, its Libby, she wants to over, walk to the highway in the rain. (Yep, the heavy rain / storms are a trigger). When I ask her why - she shoes me someone rescuing me. But you and I both know that the rescue is a setback that's hard to come back from.
Maybe its just 'blackdog' putting self harm ideas in your head? Or faulty programming triggered by stepping out of your comfort zone, wanting to pull you back.
Teej, Can you start saying these affirmations out loud every day?
I DESERVE LOVE
I AM ENOUGH
THE FUTURE HAS GOOD THINGS FOR ME
I BELIEVE IN MYSELF!
I AM STRONG ENOUGH
I TRUST MYSELF
I DESERVE FRIENDS
I DESERVE SUPPORT
EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW COMES TO ME IN THE RIGHT TIME
xox PS hope I haven't overstepped, lovya teej!
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Na you haven't overstepped @Former-Member . The thing I think is that I have been so fused with my thoughts (yes a Russ Harris term I think) that all my psychs have avoided CBT with me so far, probably for good reason although my therapist sneaks bits of all therapies in when needed. I was showing my phams worker a while ago something we had worked on and she said that is CBT. Anyway I think it will take of lots of work to get there as my old record player is still very much used to playing the same tunes. And yes you probably nailed dissecting my post. I have lost so much hope lately, in the last week or so. I desperately struggle with affirmations, it is so much against my psyche and upbringing, my nature is to question everything and pull it apart which doesn't help. Anyway I know I have to hold on right now first and foremost because I am still solely responsible for my youngest.
It is awesome to have role models like you to know it can get better and you've found the therapies helpful. I know you fall over but I always see you get back up a little stronger than before.
Cheers @Former-Member. Sending hugs 💜🤗😘
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
One step at a time, One day at a time @Former-Member, holding you in the light, hugz
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Former-Member Your post to @Former-Member makes sense. I'm in the same mindset as teej. I can't say those affirmations to myself. It's too hard. I'm glad I read your post. Xxx
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Just stick 'em on the mirror, read them out loud, and walk away. Maybe we could turn them into a song lol I do understand. xox
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
HappynessSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
In my opinion
The Whole Online World are Prisoners
The Whole Online World Are Prisoners
The Whole World Are Prisoners
Thats Why I Put Up With You
Thats Why I Put Up With You
Thats Why I Put Up With You
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Right on @Former-Member ....
Affirmations are a key over-writing tool. And yeah .... they would seem impossible at first. Write them down if you can't say them .... or save @Former-Member's to your phone and then read them, saying "Tawney says .... " then read through them. They are so powerful they will permeate your thoughts and beliefs anyway .....
❤️💕
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
@Former-Member@BlueBay
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Are you still around @Faith-and-Hope. I'm not in crisis just needing distraction, just watched a movie I don't know I should have, very close to home for me. Messing with me a little emotionally.
Its ok if you aren't around. I'll deal with it. I couldn't talk about it openly anyway 😢
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
On a train @Former-Member .... graffiti is rife here ....
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