Schizoaffective disorder, major depressive disorder, OCD, social phobia, PTSD x2, suicidal ideation

Hi there,

I'm new to the forum. I didn't know anything like this existed.

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, major depressive disorder, OCD, social phobia, at around age 19 after an acute bout of psychosis. Although I know I have been depressed since my teens, and definitely recognise the OCD and social phobia, it has taken me years to acknowledge the "schizophrenia" part of my "schizoaffective disorder" diagnosis. I suppose that makes sense considering that while I've been in active psychosis I'm not aware that I am. On reflection I can see things differently. But I think I was also being stubborn about it and feeling like refusing to accept it as part of my diagnosis meant that it wasn't real. Anyway, I've come to terms with it now and I'm trying to learn more about myself and others like me. I've also been diagnosed with two separate cases of PTSD, one related to severe workplace bullying and one related to various sexual traumas that took place over my lifetime.

I have been medicated since I was 19 and I was a very late bloomer so I feel I have no idea what it feels like to be an adult without medication or mental illness. My medications have been adjusted over the years but I've always needed anti depressants. In really good times, I've only needed a small dose of anti psychotic, but it's always been there. I may have had a few months here and there without antipsychotic but it's otherwise always been there in varied doses. Normally I am taking a number of different medications at once.

Life has been a struggle since my first psychotic illness at 18 or 19. Before that, despite my depression, I was a very high achiever and had great hopes and plans for my future. I had to drop out of my university degree when I got sick with the psychotic illness. I later completed a different degree but it led nowhere and I have worked in entry level jobs since, until I stopped working 2 years ago. Apart from 1 year off sick (PTSD) a while back.

Anyway, I suppose I'm keen to read about other people's experiences.

And I want to learn more about myself and I want to be the best version of myself.

I am lucky I have had a supportive family because without my parents I am certain I would not be here anymore. I also developed alcoholism in my early 20s as a form of self medication and have been in rehab a number of times for that. I have been a risk taker all my life since childhood and seem to put myself into dangerous situations.

I feel privileged that my parents have helped me but I know that many people have not had that luxury.

I appreciate the amazing diversity of humans and I know that we all have our struggles. Anyway, enough rambling. Best wishes to all.