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Grief & Loss of Confidence

CA1Casual Contributor20 July 2016, 5:20 pm AEST

Grief & Loss of Confidence

Hi,

I'm new to this forum, in fact I've never posted anything on a forum in my life before. I'm wondering if anyone has experienced something similar to me and what I can do about it. I'll try to keep the background brief...

I think things began to deteriorate when my Dad was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer a few years ago just before Christmas. He had treatment for about a year and a half in which time I supported my parents (we are a very close family). He passed away a little over a year ago. About 3 months prior my employer at the time basically told me I needed to lift my act - I was making errors a professional at my level shouldn't be making. I received another conversation about this about 6 months after Dad passed away. I went to the Doctor who said that difficulty with analytical decision making was completely normal given the death of a parent, planning a wedding and looking for a house. He also said I had mild depression. I knew my employer would not make concessions for me so I resigned and haven't worked since.

Initially my fiance was very supportive and said this gave me the time to fully focus on building my own small business. At this point, however, he thinks it's been long enough and he can't understand why I'm not working or not building the business. The reason is in part confidence (which was significantly reduced by the time I resigned) and in part because I can't seem to find motivation - for anything - eating, exercising, even sometimes showering.

I know I'm drinking too much. I now find I can't sign anything without getting the shakes - I have no idea what that's about! I've seen a councellor who talked a lot about mindfulness - it didn't help. I want my confidence and motivation back, I want to grieve but I don't know how and I want to grow my business but on days like today I just want to have a good cry and find a TV series I can watch to take my mind off everything.

I'd really like to hear from anyone who has been through anything like is and/or anyone who can point me in the right direction to get back to where I was.

Thanks!

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In response to: Grief & Loss of Confidence

AppleblossomSenior Contributor26 July 2016, 12:27 am AEST

Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

@CA1I can remember not being able to focus or getting unusually nervous signing documents when I had felt a lot more capable and logical and confident before kids and a string of deaths.

Grief is huge, learn and google about it. Develop a grief-work that is appropriate to you and your dad's relationship. It is never done ... as we have an ongoing relationship in our minds and hearts with the dead person ... as we mature and little memories come and go ... we gather insights ... and they become part of the memory we hold.

I prefer non-religious approaches ... as I was told my dad was in heaven too much as a kid .. and there was no conversation that actually made sense ... so I just felt fobbed off ... but now I enjoy many aspects of liturgy and sacred music that help me stabilise my grief.

There is a "Centre for loss and bereavement" ... worth looking at ... as we look at the relationship and the death ... some people have a wake ... to celebrate a life ... some dont drink ... it may help to choose a few small symbolic acts and physical objects (I framed lots of photos.) saved somewhere ... and get on with your life and return to thinking and processing your grief naturally ... bit by bit.

I hope you fiance is not too impatient. A partner also goes through a lot when they start a relationship and become a parent ... as @TIgcan tell you.

I think grief has been pathologised a bit in our pill popping society ...

@utopia and @pip had really good ideas and suggestions.

@TIg You might start to see bit of your dad in your son. Sometimes that helps the grief work ... I liked to see my nephews big feet ... it reminded me of my brother .. its weird little particular things that help ...

I do get a bit annoyed when people are to glib about saying when one person dies another comes to take their place ... and its the circle of life ... it can be a bit circular ... but there are feelings, thoughts and memories to be worked through.

I used the term grief-work deliberately ... it is WORK ... it takes energy and time ... and I hope you both recognised for doing work by your loved ones.

Take care

In response to: Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

CA1Casual Contributor28 July 2016, 10:29 pm AEST

Re: Grief & Loss of Confidence

Thanks for your thoughts Appleblossom and to everyone who has responded. They are very helpful.l I have to say I still don't really know how to work through the grief - I wish there was I clear procedure but it' s obvious that there is none and it's different for everyone. My thoughts go out to everyone in a similar position. My Mum is now seeing someonw new who is lovely but now I'm almost forced to be friends with his children. I'm sure they are nice people but am I the only one who feels this situation is too soon?

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