Sad so sad.

Hi, this is my first post and I don't know if there's anything that can be done to help me. I have been diagnosed with depression for thirty years. I'm in my fifties and I'm forever, sad. I had a very dysfunctional family and I have been trying to cope with life, my own children, whom I love so much, my husband, who stands by me. I have no true friends. Whenever I try, they always seem to move on. Gee! I seem to be making no sense but I feel if I just keep typing, then everything will come out. I've seem a councillor a couple of times and she blames my Mum for a lot of my issues. She was mean when I was growing up. It was normal to me, though. Getting belted seemed the norm. I'm one of eight kids and I don't see five of them, haven't for nearly thirty years. I don't know when it all started but my dad was accused of abuse of my younger sisters. I knew nothing. Some people say, you were young it wasn't your fault but I feel I should have seen something. They said your mum must have known but I don't know. Anyway, I said to one sister that we will go to the police, she said no, so that made me doubt. I stopped seeing my dad for three years. Mum left him but went back, my kids kept asking where he was, so I went back. I was close to my Dad but he never abused me or showed any signs of it. He was diagnosed with a brain tumour and I was there for all the treatment, back and forward to the hospital for treatment and his operation, which took its toll on us. He lasted another year after the op. The cancer came back and he passed away. Two brothers and one sister came to the funeral. One hasn't talked to me since because there was no money for him. We aren't rich, so I don't know what he expected. Anyway, I see one brother occasionally and my sister who lived two hours away has just moved to NSW. We put my Mum in a nursing home because she had a heart condition. She lived with us for seven years after Dad died. I had to have a back op so I couldn't look after her. I've felt so guilty putting her in there because she isn't disabled or unable to do things, she is just dependent on people, especially me. My sister and brother don't go to see her and I bring her home for the day, once a fortnight. She loves coming out to see her dog and cat, which I inherited when she went in. I went to the nursing home one day and they said your Mum has packed and says she's going home to live with you permanently. I was shocked but thought, she lived with us before, I can do it. After a week, I broke down, couldn't cope and asked her to go back. I felt a failure. So much had changed since she was with us before. She needed so much medication that I was overwhelmed. I had to face the staff at the home and looked and felt so defeated. They told me not to worry but I felt so sad. I look at oldies down the street and cry. I wanted to be happy with my Mum. She started to call me darling, which I hated because I was never her darling. She calls the nurses darling, in the home. I told her not to call me that and she apologised. I've tried joining different clubs but once they start to ask personal questions, I well up and can't cope. I've left work because I couldn't cope and thought I'd better get out of my job before I stuff up. I left feeling sad. I'm now sitting typing, while my poor husband has to put up with my moods. He doesn't help the cause though. He's too nice. He just says if you want to or whatever suits honey. It drives me insane. When I go off, it's a one sided argument. He has been with me for forty years. Probably too scared to leave. Lol. I ask him to do something though and he puts it off. I end up doing it. Oh, I don't know what's happening, maybe I should finish now and come back tomorrow and pick up where I left off. If anyone is reading this, thank you for your time. I really wish people would listen to us face to face, not to judge but just hear us out.tears are welling up again, so, I will go and try to cheer myself up again. A daily ritual. One day, I don't think I'll be able to but until then, I'll try.