Things are starting to come to a head

Hi all,

New to the forum (hello!) but alas not on the best terms.

Why

A friend of mine was talking with their friend about their flatmate and the troubles with dealing with them because they had bpd. My friend did some research about bpd and came to the realisation that maybe my partner of four years has it - which after some personal research made me feel the same.

My partner ticks most of the boxes in a very obvious way.

I know...

Anyone can be shoe-horned into categories that are the 'signs of bpd' - hell i can be short tempered, 'risky' and the like, and I'm definitely NOT a psychologist so am happy to be proved wrong. However even my partner is aware something is not right, and the signs ring very true and if anything, at least makes me feel we have something to work with.

So currently...

There have been a few episodes of late which have led me to take an authoritive foot down approach - which on their reflection was fair, but after some time has wained to them to being frustrated (you're acting like my parent). However we have a 1.5 year old daughter so I now don't have patience anymore for 'forgive and forgets' like I did a few years ago. To clarify this is behaviour that has been peppered throughout our relationship.

Any progress?

Admitedly they are trying to better themselves - reign in their drinking, talking about their feelings, attempting to seek help (at least talking about it). However this seems to get dropped after a week or so and we can go back to square one.

So why am I here?

Simply - it's frustrating and I feel I'm alone. I can't talk to close ones (i'm a bit of an introvert) so anyone 'close' is essentially close to them. The last thing I want to do is talk about them behind their back, with a non-professional diagnosis, so here I am.

Also, I'm no saint. Sometimes I aggravate them simply because i'm fed up. I feel like I've given them benefit of the doubt, etc, try to lead by example, understand them, listen, etc - but after four years it's getting to the point where I just don't have the patience anymore (who does with a needy toddler?). I know this is difficult for them and I have no idea about their mental processes and thought patterns, which makes me feel like I'm making things worse because it's frustrating for me.

I've quit smoking, taken up exercise, managed my finances better, all within the last 6 months - because I want to better myself but also to show them that it can be done if you just put your mind to it. To be clear I didn't say to them this is why I'm doing these things but to show to them that you can 'improve' yourself.

What do I want?

I'm sounding like I just have a 'troublesome' partner, but I do want to underline after looking at the 'signs' that they may have bpd. Too many boxes ticked with demonstrable examples. I want to learn ways to nurture them towards seeking professional advice. I want to learn ways to manage my own emotions and frustrations so it doesn't esculate the situation. But at the same time I want to be able to call them out, respectively, that they are not walking the talk and are instead simply procrastinating (or deffering, or making excuses...).

I feel like that anytime I'm in the wrong, by picking a fight out of frustration, I've just given them reason to build up walls and put their energy on being angry at me (rightly or wrongly) instead of focusing on their next steps for working out what they know what needs to be worked out.

So. I've poured my heart out anonymously. Maybe that's what i needed. But I know this can't be sustainable for the next 40 years (maybe they'll just grow out of it?). It seems to me that there are obvious support and resources to those that have 'mental challenges', but there is no support and resources to those that are living with those effected and not engaged with help.

What do I do?