losing myself

This is the first time, i am writing and talking about my feelings - especially inthis kind of platform... so please bear with me....

Its been a few years now that I experience this "aha moment" of realising that I have changed.

I have been married almost 10 years now with 2 children with my now husband and 1 from a previous relationship. I have always tried fixing my life --- maybe unconsciously wanting to prove everyone that I am better and I have done good But this constant proving gets a toll on me... I seem to have lost real self... I am unsure why - is it because of my marriage? my age? stress of life? stress of children? i am completely lost - and confused.

my husband and I have both strong personality - i can only count with my hands those times that we have talked about our arguement, it was always a screaming - hurtful words kind of fight. we are both very vocal witrh our anger --- but i came to the point where I am just too tired to argue - i have talked to him several times that I really get hurt and I am having a hard time coping up and fogetting those words he have said - but he admittedly said - he was doing this to hurt me. he is a good father - a good husbnad and tries to give the family everything we need and more. but he has the tendencu to get mad with 101% of emotions and then 5 mins later everything seems fine again... and i ma not like this... i need time ... i admit i can be very angry and shouting is how i deal with my emotions but I never say words intently to hurt him... but he does... and after 10 years everything is still in me... and now i found a different person within me. i guess he did notw ant me to change this way - and i guess he is oblivious with what have had ahppened to me.. i guess it is unfair to blame him for the change in myself... but i still have this voice in my head blaming him... i was once a happy person - well... one of my closest friend said i was not really happy - but I was in contriol of everything thats why I seemed to be happy - i guess - maybe she was right --- but i honeslty do not know... i was once confident... but not anymore -- i question myself - my worth - my importance - with my family - with my work - with my friends ( which is very few) so I tend to settle with what i have - even though this is something i am unhappy about --- i am living my life without that eagerness - without fun - that I would want to have ideally. i onlyhave my children... i try my best everyday - to love them... to protect them - although this is something i struggle with as well... i do not think i am giving them a good place - i am so scared that with my actions, my anger - with how i am living my life - they will get affected and will haunt them in their future...

i have so many questions, living my life with fear - but living it as it comes... hoping i will be able to finish the day without arguing, awithout anger and without me remebering again my real feelings about myself and my life....

i guess changing is not that bad - but if i have changed to a person i am unhappy about - and cannot seem to get out of this cycle... what else should i do - how can i do this --- my mind is running 1000kph with emotions and i cannot even find myself to fix my train of thoughts.... i am all over the place --- emotionally ---- drowning.