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Have I done the right thing?

Butterfly5New Contributor13 June 2020, 10:31 pm AEST

Have I done the right thing?

Hi,

I'm new here, hoping for a bit of support/advice. My partner and I split up as his behaviour was getting out of control and we could no longer go a day without arguing.

he always said he had anxiety but I think it was more. He would be insanely jealous about anyone I came into contact with but then I'd find out he'd been incessantly messaging friends and family, this coupled with increasing drug use meant I could no longer stay in the relationship. Unfortunately that behaviour has continued and included inappropriate messages to my family. It's very confusing for me and I'm very worried about him despite no longer being with him. Today I contacted his mother to say I think they need to talk to him about getting help. He's very angry with me for doing so but I felt I had to. I'm now at home and scared of his reaction and what he might do to me or himself. He's never physically hurt me or himself but he has made threats of both before.

have I done the right thing? Any advice? I know he's not my responsibility any more but I care and can't just sit and do nothing.

2 replies

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In response to: Have I done the right thing?

KolliseiNew Contributor16 June 2020, 6:29 am AEST

Re: Have I done the right thing?

Hi Butterfly5, you are a very caring person. I’m sorry to hear you have such a backlash from your former relationship and I agree, you are not responsible for your ex partner. I do not think one is ever responsible for a partner, like one is responsible for a child.

It was your prerogative to engage in this relationship and it was your prerogative to disengage in the relationship.

We can only try to connect with someone, we don’t know what will surface, what we’ll stumble upon. You are not his therapist or his parent. You are responsible for yourself, your own happiness and if you don’t see things progressing in the way you desire in that relationship you owe it to yourself to seek it elsewhere. As far as informing his mum: I’m not sure if there is a wrong or right thing to do, it says something about you caring nature however.

Threatening violence towards you is not acceptable and you can take measures to protect yourself by avoiding being in vulnerable situations as well as legally, if required.

Some time may cool things down.

In response to: Re: Have I done the right thing?

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor24 June 2020, 7:39 am AEST

Re: Have I done the right thing?

Hi @Butterfly5 and @Kollisei and welcome to the forums 👋

I agree with everything @Kollisei has written to you @Butterfly5, and I can also hear how much you are seeking reassurance and comfort. It's a hard place to sit in - I have done so in my own situation, where my husband of 30 + years appeared to undergo a mid life crisis, changing personality and value system almost before my eyes ..... turns out there was another explanation - long and twisty story involved - however I can really relate to the boundaries being unclear where matters of the heart are involved.

A good question to ask yourself is, "is this my responsibility ?"

Another is, "Am I doing / have I done the best I can with this situation ?"

Stand by the choice you have made, is my recommendation, but don't pursue it further. You have effectively handed him back to his family, and it is important now to focus on your own self-care and look after you. Boundaries are vitally important.

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