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Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

ChrisSenior Contributor19 July 2016, 7:42 pm AEST

Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

My day is crawl out of bed at two pm. Feeling overwhelmed with everything. House a disgusting mess. Husband home at 3pm. Looks around and i see the frustration in his face. He told our son that lives with us, that i dont do anything. He says nothing to me, but i see his anoyance. I some how manage to cook dinner. Then medication. Thoughts turn inward. I cant do this any more, thoughts of self harm get stronger, so i go to bed in hope of a peaceful sleep. I dont want to think. I dont want to dream. I just want to be in a state of nothingness. I dont want to face another day.

I know ive made progress the last few years, but i am oh so tired of the constant struggle. The older i get the harder it gets. Ive had enough.

Now my delema is Thursday with an appointment with the psychiatrist who overseas the group programms. I dont actually need to see her but kept the appointment as its another week before i see my psychiatrist . Dont think i can hang on that long. I dont know how i can address what i really feel. So scared of rejection and abandonment.

20 replies

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In response to: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

Unknown userMember20 July 2016, 12:46 pm AEST

Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

Even being aware that you could be making better choices to comfort yourself is good @Chris. It's so important to be gentle with yourself though. So don't be too self-critical about these choices. As you feel stronger you'll be able to make better ones. None of us get it right all the time anyway.

I'm glad that talking it through has helped. We're still here 🙂

In response to: Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

ChrisSenior Contributor20 July 2016, 1:54 pm AEST

Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

I too vowed i would make things different for my kids. I always tried to listen to them from an early age. I encouraged them to try new things, to be independent. My mantra was to let them go in order for them to come back of their own free will. And over the years they have done that. As for feeling close to them, i feel distant, even disconnected at times.. but at the same time they know i am there for them 24/7, that includes the grand children. Its still a work in progress to feel connected. My emotions have been buried for a long time, and I'm still not comfortable with feeling positive or negative emotions.

In response to: Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

pipSenior Contributor20 July 2016, 4:34 pm AEST

Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

Hi Chris. I can relate to how difficult it is to feel close to your kids when you were never encouraged as a child. Feeling close, hugging is foreign because you never experienced it. We bury emotions rather than allow ourselves to open to 'hurt'. Hurting is something we're 'used' to because it's how we were raised. However, we now don't have to allow ourselves to be hurt anymore. I say 'we' because I had such a similar upbringing, I too buried myself in anything rather than allowing myself to 'feel'. Have you started keeping records of what makes you smile, feel good? Sometimes a programme on t.v brings out a smile, or a tear. Allow yourself the luxury of enjoying something that makes you feel good. Maybe a walk with hubby or child, talking about everyday things that make you feel good. Maybe allow yourself to feel anger about something, anger is not necessarily a 'negative' emotion. Anger is a feeling like happiness, sadness. I'm feeling anger at the moment as I've just had an operation remove a cancerous tumor from my right breast. I have just received news that I may have to have a course of chemo instead of radiation. I feel anger because I don't feel 'in control' of my life or destiny. My bf is too far away to help, he is 'there' for me, but he can't 'do' anything. He is my rock, but I still feel anger because of what's happening. He lives interstate, I know he'd be here if possible. I am not afraid to feel anger because it's not a negative anger it's a frustration type anger. Once you learn to distinguish the different emotions, it does become easier to deal with. Negative emotions are only negative if you are unable to control them. Anger, happiness, sadness are emotions we can deal with because they're controllable.

In response to: Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

NikNikSenior Contributor20 July 2016, 10:02 pm AEST

Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

Hi @Chris & @pip
I hope you're taking care of yourself tonight Chris, as Suzanne suggested.

@pip - I'm so sorry to hear your news about potentially having chemo. I know that Breast Cancer Network Australia has a network / community, just like this - which you can find at https://www.bcna.org.au/online-network/help-faqs/
and they also have a heap of resources if you feel you need it.
I totally understand the type of anger you describe. When do you find out for sure?
Sending you both positive vibes for good health.

In response to: Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

ChrisSenior Contributor21 July 2016, 9:53 am AEST

Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

Hi pip

Im so sorry to hear about what you are going through . Here you are supporting others. I hope you can continue to share you experience with us, so we can support you.

In response to: Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

pipSenior Contributor21 July 2016, 1:06 pm AEST

Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

Hi Chris & NikNik. Your support means a lot. I haven't been on the forums long, but I have had some positive feedback already, so I have gained, where before when I felt 'alone' it was not a good feeling. Helping others find their way to where the sun always shines, is my way of dealing with my frustration. After tomorrow, hopefully, I will know for sure whether it'll be chemo or radiation. There is good and bad in both treatments, so either way, I will win. It's just that with chemo, hair loss, physical changes to the body, face etc, is going to be difficult to adjust to. Radiation has it's fair share of side effects too. Burning, scarring, skin stretching is not a nice thought either. I have just written my bf and informed him of possible physical changes and received no reply. I guess he didn't think about that side of things either. I'm sure it won't bother him, but obviously my news shocked him slightly. I'll no doubt hear from him tomorrow and all will be okay.

In response to: Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

ChrisSenior Contributor21 July 2016, 3:44 pm AEST

Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

Hi pip, please let us know how you get on. Even though we are not able to be with you physically, we are with you in spirit, and thinking of you.

I saw the psychiatrist this afternoon and was able to get out what has been hapening for me in the last six weeks or so down to present. She was very understanding and asked me if i needed to be admitted to hospital. I declined for a number of reasons. First its ok to go in, but i still have to go home and face the same issues. Second we are going away in just over a weeks time and everything is booked and payed for. And i am hoping the change will break the cycle of whats been hapening.

I see my own psychiatrist on tuesday and my psychologist on monday, so just have to get through the next few days.

In response to: Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

ChrisSenior Contributor28 July 2016, 1:14 pm AEST

Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

Well over a week has passed. At the weekend i decided to email my psychiatrist, with the knowledge i had an appointment on tuesday.

Iwas very open and honest with him about what has been hapening and how i feel. I have had very mixed feelings about this. Part of me feels like I'm attention seeking, another part says I'm reaching out for help. I also have a feeling of being dependant on him, and i really hate that.

I saw my psychologist on monday whichwent welland she said she would try and contact my psychiatrist and let him know she was concerned about my mood.

After all that i had a phone call on monday to cancel my appointment on tuesday as something urgent had come up. So i now will see him tomorrow morning. My mood has been all over the place. I dont know what to do if he says hospital. We go away next week, and my husband is looking forward to it. Part of me say, i just cant do this any more, but i also feel incredably guilty.. i feel caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Guess I'll just have to wait untill tomorrow.

Pip wher are you? Are you ok. Thinking of you hugs.

In response to: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

SkylarkContributor15 Aug 2016, 9:53 am AEST

Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

Hi @Chris was wondering how you are? I read your original post and felt like there are times I could have written it. Also wondering how @pip is. I'm struggling a little myself the last few days but hoping to feel better soon. I'm a wife and parent and my role is taking care of others etc which I love but it's hard to take care of ourselves sometimes. I have a difficult time and feel guilty if I even want time away alone - even if it were 2 hours. It's also hard to make it happen logistically so I try and find ways to recharge while I am still doing what I need to do. I hope you are both well and happy xo

In response to: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

AphroditeSenior Contributor17 Aug 2016, 11:20 pm AEST

Re: Look alright sound alright, but im not alright

Hi @Chris I am usually on the other side posting there, but then I thought I would come on this side because I am also dealing with a family member who is having lots of issues, and I read your post, then totally forgot about why I came here. I often hear about it being common for people with depression to spend alot of time in bed, and I had a sister who had severe depression who also felt she needed to be in bed alot. Does your husband have insight into depression? Surely he doesn't think you have been 'lazy' for all the years that you have suffered from this crippling condition. Does he not realize that you are unwell? Do you talk about what you are going through with him? Anyone who has raised and cared for 4 children, others children, your parents, is CLEARLY not lazy. Chris I was pleased to read in your post that after saying what you needed to say here, the fear was diminished about the thoughts going on in your head. I know for me, that talking about things is the way I get through depressive episodes, though you did mention that interaction with people is not easy for you, though I also use this site and other sites to communicate my thoughts and feelings, and usually there will be at least a few posts in response that I get something from and helps me in that moment. It is so difficult doing the things we are expected to do and expect of ourselves to do - cook, clean, shop etc etc when all you feel you can do is be in bed. I agree that 'Lifeline' and any other supports services should be used, and that you come here over and over no matter how scrambled your thoughts are. Have you been to a GP and talked about a Mental Health Plan? Go for whatever is out there to support you. I hope you see some light soon and know that you are worthy and deserving for all the giving are care you have given.

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

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