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Hi there, I'm new here. Hopefully I can give a quick rundown with what's going on with me and why I've chosen to reach out... My brother (in his 40's) has been diagnosed with depression since his 20's. He also has a number of chronic health issues that have contributed to this as well as bullying issues from the past (high school days) and so on... Although I'm not his carer (he still lives at home with our parents) I tend to offer whatever support I can by listening to him and texting/emailing (we don't live that close). Since November last year, his psych has decided to change his medication so, needless to say, things have been as rocky as ever since then. I always say the lines of communication are always open with me and that I'm here to listen, always, however the last few months I feel myself becoming effected by the lows he has been feeling and find myself becoming more and more distracted, even anxious as to his well being, day to day. This transition 'issues' to these new meds have been relentless and it seems that he may have a few days of feeling passable when he hits another low, again, and again.
I feel so selfish even writing how it effects me when I know he's going through an agonising time right now, not to mention my poor parents who deal with this day in and day out. I'm finding that my distraction with this is having a ripple effect on my own family. I'm a mum to to kids and I need to focus on them and my husband, but it's so tricky at them moment. I find in bad tempered (due to more disappointment) as soon as I hear my brother has hit another low or he texts me to tell me how 'terrible' his life is. (And that's just scraping the surface..)
I am starting to feel guilty about having 'fun' in my life as I know that things are anything but fun for him. I'm supposed to go on a little holiday with my husband and kids in a few weeks and I want to be present and happy around them, but I fear I will be gripped by anxiety and guilt about my brother's current situation whilst away. How frivolous it seems to be having a holiday at such a challenging time....
I'm sorry, this wasn't meant to be an essay. I'm just wondering if someone had some strategies for me to help me cope with all of this? I'm feeling bewildered and overwhelmed.
Hi. I feel your pain. I'm going through the same constant worry for an ill brother. It started with depression but now he is in and out of psychosis and now diagnosed with schizophrenia. Refuses meds but is happy to self medicate with weed. Has never had insight into his illness and still really doesn't now. He has agreed to a psyche to avoid jail (currently on bail) He lives with my parents. I live next door. I have kids and husband too who have been very neglected lately. I'm constantly on edge. My brothers psychotic behaviour has escalated in past 2 days and he is very paranoid, dilusional, manic and unpredictable. He has been making boobie trains all over the house. He thinks someone is in the roof. I worry at night for my parents being u der the same roof. I awake now and dread falling asleep. I ask the same question.... Will it ever get better. I can't live like this gir the rest of our life. He needs hospitalisation. He won't agree. Hospitalised 4 yes ago and he is scared too. Was held down and sedated. I'm even still traumatised. He refuses meds. Thinks it won't change how his brain thinks. I'm scared to wake up tomorrow and find out what else he has done. Sorry wasn't meant to be an essay either. All I can say is I feel your pain, frustration and sadness and I want it to stop. I feel..... Hopeless!!
In response to: Re: Constant worry over ill brother
SnowdropSenior Contributor
Re: Constant worry over ill brother
Hello Bluebird - well reading your story was like reading my own except that in my case I am the mother!
I have those same anxious, worried, on edge from the moment I wake up till when I go to sleep. I get worried if I am out of reach of the telephone in case he rings. If he rings I worry (and get scared that all is not well), if he doesn't ring I feel the same.
I do hope that you manage to get some help and some good hints. I will continue to read your post in the hope that some are posted.
Meanwhile although it doesn't help that others suffer the same - know that someone who feels the same is wishing you all the best.
In response to: Constant worry over ill brother
Bluebird15Senior Contributor
Re: Constant worry over ill brother
Hi there Hopeless, I'm sorry to read you're going through a really tough time at the moment. It is just awful and all consuming. The ripple effect of a loved one who is mentally ill is shocking. I understand how you are feeling. I'm sorry I can't offer much advice, only that if you need to write and 'let it out' - just do it- we are here to listen! To me, it felt a little better to put it all out there on this forum - quite therapeutic and so many kind people offering their well wishes and some great advice too. In answer to the question a lot of us ask ourselves 'will it ever get better??'' We'll, my brother has seemed to have turned a corner over the last month or so. He is a lot better with his moods- many more ok days than all the desperate lows that seemed to be constantly occurring. I really wondered if things were ever going to improve, especially when you're in the thick of it. I know to expect that there will still be his low days, however after these last 6 months, I think I've learned to become a bit more resilient about it all, if that makes sense..? You may feel similar once you come out the other side of all this...and you will. Sending strength. 🙂
In response to: Constant worry over ill brother
Bluebird15Senior Contributor
Re: Constant worry over ill brother
Hello Elainec, Thank you so much for your kind post. Yes, I'm am certain my mum feels the same as you, although, for the most part, I believe she hides it from me as she doesn't want me worrying about her worrying! I ended up seeing a counsellor about my feelings that were beginning to become a major negative distraction for me. About the constant knots in my stomach, increasing anxiety over hearing from him, not hearing from him and almost feeling his pain and sadness too. The counsellor mentioned that it sounded like it was a bit of 'Co-dependency' which, inpart involves relying on other people's happiness for your own happiness (to occur). There wasn't enough time for her to go through some strategies to 'combat' it - however I'm sure Google can help! Some advice I did find most helpful is that she says I needed to practice lowering my expectations on his behaviour , I guess like going with the lows, and just telling myself that they will pass (eventually). Anyway, I've gone off track a bit here, but I'm pleased to report my brother has really picked up somewhat over the past month which has been so nice- we think these new beds are finally kicking in. Fingers crossed and also for you. You deserve a medal. Sending you well wishes.
In response to: Constant worry over ill brother
Bluebird15Senior Contributor
Re: Constant worry over ill brother
Oops- that should have read 'new MEDS are kicking in' not Beds!!
In response to: Constant worry over ill brother
HopelessSenior Contributor
Re: Constant worry over ill brother
Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me. It does help writing it down and telling those who can relate. I've almost cried only twice (this time round) and I held back the waterfall of tears. I think I'm ready to explode with uncontrollable crying but I think it might help also. I'm tired, I'm sick of worrying, I wish my days off wrk were for me, I wish I was more patient with my kids and I wish I wasn't always on edge. I also wish my husband was more understanding.
In response to: Re: Constant worry over ill brother
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: Constant worry over ill brother
Hello @Hopeless Your story resonates with me on a lot of levels ... take care ... but sometimes it just goes on & on ... so those comments mean squat ... still .. take care.
I had a long time (10 years) where I was very anxious about my brother with mental illness. They never medicated him, as at the time they didnt medicate for Borderline Personality Disorder... or have any other treatment ...
My ex husband was very upset about harsh handling in psyche wards ... when he himself had psychoses ... but did not realise how difficult it was for our family ... he would mock him & me when I did loving things for my brother and then ridicule me to my brother behind his back. My husband was used to a lot of preferntial private health care in America .. and actually made things a lot worse in my family.... through ... not understanding ...
Dont know if that is relevant to you ... but thinking of you and
sending virtual huggz.
Apple
In response to: Constant worry over ill brother
Bluebird15Senior Contributor
Re: Constant worry over ill brother
Hello Everyone,, Sorry I've been quiet around here for so long. Life has been super busy and the days have flown by... Last time I posted, things seemed to have finally stabilised with my brother. We all (family) assumed his new meds were finally kicking in...after all, it had been very rough for around 5 months. It was so nice to have my smiling brother back again, interacting with my sons, joining us on family outings, and losing weight! Agh, unfortunately it would seems there has been a dip in his mood again. It's been about a month where he's been having a lot of trouble sleeping (health issues) and assume that all this lack of sleep has sent him in a downward spiral more often than not... It's so disappointing for all of us. I find myself back where I was, a few months ago.. worrying about him most of the time subsequently, again taking my energy and focus away from my own family..
Does anyone have any experience with a slump in effectiveness of meds? Naively I thought that once his dosage had been finally sorted, these lows were supposed to happen a lot less??!
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