HanzelCasual Contributor
Struggling
This is my first post on anything like this. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for a long time. I have seen and spoken to various Counsellors and had many a GP visits and been put on a couple of different drugs. They help for a little while but I just seem to be going around in circles. I threw myself into my work to try to distract myself from my feelings but all that did was push my wife away. So I decided to end it all, I planned it all left a note and off I went, but I couldn’t do it, I thought of my wife and my kids. So I went back ripped up the note and went back and never told anyone what I had planned on doing. I started seeing another counsellor but I never had the guts to tell him of my plan because once again I scared. While all this was happening my wife had been quietly planning to leave as she could not deal with my moods anymore. Then I lost my job due to COVID 19 all in the space of a week. I went back to the GP and back on some different anti depresants and had to start counselling again but over the phone. It has been 3 months now and I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. But the last couple of weeks I have really struggled, I had a death in the family and my wife is looking to move on a lot quicker than I thought. All my suicidal thoughts all came back and hit me like a tonne of bricks. I haven’t been able to think about anything else. The should I shouldn’t i scenario is consuming my thoughts. I tried to talk to my wife (which I know was a mistake) as she felt I was trying to manipulate her by bringing it up now. I’m not sure what I hope to achieve by putting this out there but thought it can’t hurt to see.
