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I was diagnosed with BPD in February 2015, I laughed at the doctor when he told me and said he was wrong and walked out of his office. I was diagnosed with deep depression when I was 14, although they said I had been suffering a lot longer than that. I've grown up in an environment that doesn't take kindly to mental disorders, people say "that's just life, everybody has problems, you can't keep complaining about them" so I have that edge to me too, I can't help it. <br>I have been made to feel bad/guilty and attention seeking for opening up about myself and so I have learnt to keep all of that inside of me. This has made me become very numb and cold, I don't care about a lot of things, I do not see a future for myself, I have lost all faith and hope. <br>My first suicide attempt was when I was 12 years old, the last one to date was February last year. Not a day has gone by where I haven't thought of killing myself, I just tell myself 'not yet, one day'.<br>I do not take medication and I do not get help, I have learnt that the only person there for me is myself so I just have to learn to cope with this, without any aid. I have seen a lot of psychologists, psychiatrists, I have even had DBT/CBT but the way I have 'wired' myself cannot be undone and when they try to change the way I cope it makes everything worse. I am no longer the soft, warm, kind and caring girl I once was. I have so much self hatred inside of me, I have never forgiven myself for any bad thing I have ever done, and I never will. I am obsessed with justice and this is the way I punish myself, it makes me feel better, knowing I deserve to feel like this. I no longer self harm although I do miss the feeling it gave me, relief. <br><br>
Its a hard road you have come down @Wickie 12 is very young to be thinking that way.
It is interesting that justice is important to you ... but I am not sure that punishment (of you or anyone) really helps achieve more justice.
Walk Gently
In response to: No hope, no future, no care.
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: No hope, no future, no care.
Hi @wicky. Sorry ti hear about your experiences. But we can't kerp putting on a face and pretending this are okay when they are not. What is so wrong with having depression that people don't / won't understand. It is not the same as being sad. I do see more people with ab understanding of MI & relating to people's with MI. But nire needs to be done. I understand the feeling of loosing you old self. That is something I'm trying to work on. Its frustrating doing it on your own.. You really are strong. Well done for writing in and sharing some of your story
In response to: No hope, no future, no care.
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: No hope, no future, no care.
Hi @Wickie
I am glad I have found this site - and I am troubled by how many young people are suffering so much and wondering why this is - or ask myself - has it always been this way
My now deceased son was an extremely troubled youth - and reading what young people write is giving me an insight into his life that I never had before - and I realise how unhappy I was as a young person and kept it inside most of the time because of the attitudes in society so long ago
Perhaps it's the internet that is allowing all sorts of people to have a voice
Your depression is not lost on me - or other people here - we know this is not just sadness - and even if it was - sadness is a sign of worse emotions - I think that you are angry and lost in this world - and misunderstood to a terrible degree
Keep in touch with this site - I hope you can find some help - I understand - this is a horrible world sometimes
Decadian
In response to: No hope, no future, no care.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: No hope, no future, no care.
Hi Wickie. May I enquire what led to your first attempt to end? It is very difficult trying to explain depression/suicide to people who can't 'feel' what you feel. I've had all the same things said to me on numerous occasions. The self hatred you feel is obviously because of the lack of empathy shown you whenever you tried to ask for help. You do not deserve to feel this way, no-one deserves to feel so bad about themselves. Have you tried discussing with lifeline or headspace your feelings of lack of self worth. Self justice, which is where I think you are coming from is not a good idea as you don't deserve punishment. All you've done is cry for help, but I feel you've cried to 'deaf ears'. If you could bring yourself to call lifeline or headspace and ask for help, i.e where to go, who to call. Tell lifeline/headspace you've tried self harming, you feel you need to be punished. They have counsellors who will guide you, also try Beyond Blue. I volunteered for them as well, they also have trained counsellors who will put you on the right track to help you. Please, never feel as though you're a 'lost cause'. No-one ever need to feel that.
In response to: No hope, no future, no care.
PrincessmollySenior Contributor
Re: No hope, no future, no care.
Oh wow hun you sound a little like me. Iv been attempting to take my life since i was 14 and think about it daily as well. I wish i had answers i dont. Dont give up. I too had no emotional support growing up. My mother hated and abused me then left. My dad mostly ignored me. All my life iv felt not good enough. Iv done some shitty shitty things. Iv cheated on every boyfriend iv ever had except my now husband. Not because i enjoy sex but because i wanted to break up with them but cant bring myself to say i dont love you to someone. I beat mysrlf up daily anout almost every choice i have ever made. Its just so tiring.
In response to: No hope, no future, no care.
WickieCasual Contributor
Re: No hope, no future, no care.
I guess self justice is important to me because all my life I have been punished and the only way to make myself feel better is to sort of beat them to the punch?! If you get what I mean, it's so hard to put into words sorry. I wish you could have my soul/body/mind for a day and take a look.
In response to: No hope, no future, no care.
WickieCasual Contributor
Re: No hope, no future, no care.
@Decadian
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Your words are the kindest I have ever heard from a father.
In response to: No hope, no future, no care.
WickieCasual Contributor
Re: No hope, no future, no care.
@Princessmolly
I too have done some very shitty things that I will never forgive myself for either, I think about them everyday. It is tiring. I'm glad you've found someone you love. People don't understand.
In response to: Re: No hope, no future, no care.
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: No hope, no future, no care.
@Wickie wrote: @Decadian
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Your words are the kindest I have ever heard from a father.
Hi @Wickie
Many thanks for your kind words - I have thought for a long time to find a way to be a voice for young people - maybe I have been - maybe I am
Your words are encouraging
It is interesting that you interpret what I have said that I am a father - I am a mother - and yet through the turmoil of my son's life I feel I was his father figure because my husband had no idea how
I had such a strict but loving father myself - he was firm and caring and I drew on that experience to parent and understand life for an unhappy child/youth - and I loved him
Decadian
In response to: Re: No hope, no future, no care.
DecadianSenior Contributor
Re: No hope, no future, no care.
@Wickie@Princessmolly
We make mistakes as we go through life - it is the normal process of getting older
And we keep learning - usually by trial and error - for as long as we are interested -
But there is definitely a need for self-justice - I never heard of that term until I read it a few minutes ago
I hope both of you can find peace from the mistakes you have made and learn from them
And yes - I do understand - I have managed to stuff up through my life - but no way to I want to carry that along with me -
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