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Here goes nothing..

IzzyCasual Contributor17 July 2016, 7:25 pm AEST

Here goes nothing..

So I've been staring at the 'new discussion' button for about an hour..
Has anyone ever had so much to say that you don't know what to say? That's me.. A lot of the time. Like my thoughts are literally stuck in my head. So, I've decided to just start writing, and whatever comes out, comes out..
You should all know that I technically have never been diagnosed with depression and/or anxiety. But, I have seen enough of both to know that it has affected me for a while now. I'm still learning the difference. And I'm still learning my triggers and the things that help.
It's hard to sum "me" up quickly you know?
When I'm "healthy" (for want of a better word), I'm head strong. I'm the most passionate person you'll ever meet. I'm kind, and loving and protective. I'm smart. I'm stubborn and ridiculously independent. I do not ask for help. I just hit the big 3-0. I've only ever known how to do things alone. However.. I'm also a lonely person.
These days, I am the opposite of what I just described. Not all of the time, but sometimes. I feel like I'm not "me" any more and geez I really miss me you know?
I guess it took me a long time to start a discussion for a few reasons..
I do not want to be told to see a doctor. I tried that maybe 5 years ago and hated everything about the experience.
I do not want to be told to call lifeline.. Please understand.. If I wanted to talk to a person either face to face or over the phone, then I would have.
And yet.. I'm here aren't I? I think I'm still trying to figure out what I want out of this. I seen an ad on tv for this website and was instantly intrigued. I feel like mental health is a thing that people avoid. And they avoid it because they don't understand it. It isn't talked about. So when I seen the ad, I felt something almost like hope.
I think I'm just after a discussion between people who DO understand mental health. Or maybe "understand" isn't the right word.. A discussion between people who FEEL the effects of mental health would be more fitting. I'm not after some quick solution to all of my problems.. Just a chat between like minded people.
I've read other's stories. I related to a lot of them. I think I'm just not quite ready to dive into mine.
Hitting that button is a big deal for me.. And scary as hell.
Thanks for listening. Please feel free to reply. 😘

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In response to: Here goes nothing..

utopiaSenior Contributor17 July 2016, 8:38 pm AEST

Re: Here goes nothing..

Hi @Izzy and welcome fo the forum. I don't think it matters whether you can articulate what you need. The fact is you pressed that button. Well done. I've found this forum to be supportive of me and non judgemental. I don't always want a solution. Sometimes I just want someone to say "I understand". That is so powerful. To know I'm not alone. And you're not alone either.
We are all different. Even those of us with the same MI, deal with it differently. We can offer advice on what works for us, or we can just chat about living with a MI. Whatever you need.

In response to: Here goes nothing..

Unknown userMember17 July 2016, 9:02 pm AEST

Re: Here goes nothing..

Hello @Izzy,

I would like to welcome you warmly to our little forum also. Thanks for having the courage to push that button! There will be many others watching the forum who will be inspired by your honesty.

Great to read your post and those strengths you talk about: being passionate, kind, loving, protective and smart will really help you in finding what makes you feel better and more connected to life.

If you haven't had a chance to yet, have a read through our forum guidelines here. We like to keep the forum a safe and respectful place for all our members. Feel free to email the moderators if you have any concerns / questions.

Have a look around in some of the other threads and I look forward to chatting with you in the future.

Here goes something 🙂

Regards,

Frog

In response to: Re: Here goes nothing..

Unknown userMember17 July 2016, 9:25 pm AEST

Re: Here goes nothing..

Hi @Izzy. Yes, it is scary sending the first message, not really knowing who is on here and what everyone is like etcetera and what people will think. I only joined this week and I wasnt sure what I was getting into, but I sure as heck knew that I needed people to talk to who understand and that are going through similar. So, good on you for sending the message, I think that you have done the right thing. There are so many lovely, caring, understanding people on here to chat to 24 hours a day, its amazing. I wish I had found out about this a long time ago, but better late than never.

I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, depression, etc for many years and as you know it is awful to have to struggle with it every day. It can be very lonely and isolating. Ive isolated myself and hide away as much as possible, hoping to lessen stress so that I can get well. I have a hubby and daughter, but have hidden away from other family and friends.

I also hate using the phone and have given up on seeing doctors, counsellors,psychologists etc, but I do find it helpful chatting on here, I hope that you find it helpful as well. I now do my own research on how to get well, by reading lots of self help books and googling.

I look forward to hearing from you when you feel up to it. xo

In response to: Here goes nothing..

SaharaSenior Contributor18 July 2016, 8:59 am AEST

Re: Here goes nothing..

Hi @Izzy,

I think it's great that you were able to open up here and make contact with others. Feel free to keep writing. You might even like to start a journal of your thoughts and feelings, since you feel comfortable with writing about things.

I first sought help for my anxiety and depression when I was 35 years old. Before that, I always kind of thought there was something wrong with me, only I had no idea what it was. I would have thought that if I had depression, then I would know I was depressed, right? I mean, wouldn't it have been obvious?

Not so! I was depressed and anxious and I didn't even realize it for many, many years!

I was like you @Izzy- I was very lonely. I didn't ever tell anyone how I truly felt for fear of being judged. As a consequence, I never felt anyone really understood me or even cared about me very much. But I was the one who was closed down - I didn't let anyone in. It became a catch 22 situation; I was lonely but I didn't ever reach out to people.

Eventually, my world caved in and I sought help. By the time I finally saw a counsellor for the first time, I was more than ready to talk! It was such a relief to finally tell someone about my feelings. I was at my witt's end and I thought "what have I got to lose? I couldn't possibly feel any worse, anyway." So I did counselling for ages and got to know myself a lot better.

Turiing 30 is a turning point for many people. It's a time of re-evaluating your life and thinking about what your dreams are for the future. What do you dream of doing, @Izzy?

If you don't want to see a counsellor or psychologist, then would you consider something that allows you to explore your inner world a bit more? Like yoga and meditation? And keep writing!

In response to: Here goes nothing..

IzzyCasual Contributor18 July 2016, 2:36 pm AEST

Re: Here goes nothing..

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. I appreciate all of your comments so much. @Former-Member, I had a read of the guidelines. Thanks for the link! 😊
I don't at all think that the people on this forum would be judgemental. We all have the same goal at the end of the day.
I was thinking last night after I posted here, about why it took me so long to hit the 'new discussion' button. And I think what it comes down to is my own feeling of my own self worth. I read a lot of the threads on here. I read people's stories and I guess other people have it harder or seem in more need of help.
You know the saying that people love to use whenever you're feeling down? This one... "There's always someone out there with bigger problems than you.."
Well I got to thinking about that comment. And it really bothers me. It's like putting a value on someone's issues. Like shrugging them off. It is the most non-productive sentence to say to someone. ANYONE.. Not just someone with a mental illness. And because that sentence has been thrown at me so many times, I guess I've learnt that my own pain doesn't matter because there's always someone worse off. And it's TRUE. There will always be someone worse off than me. But that damn well does not mean that I don't matter! And it doesn't mean that my own mental wellbeing isn't important.
@Former-Member, thank you for your response. You sound like a person I can very much relate to. I think this forum is a great way for us people that push away from others rather than pull them closer when we should be. There's more control in this I think. And the anonymous thing helps a lot. I feel like doctors look for physical pain rather than mental. And if you can't see an ailment, then it isn't there. Psychologists aren't very personal either. There isn't a person in the world that can know me the way that I know me you know? So, I too would prefer to research this on my own. And find my own way to go about this. I've done that so far and I'm still here!
@Sahara, the comment you made about something being wrong with you. I've used that line so many times myself. I've said it to friends and family and my partner before. I say 'I need help, there's something wrong with me.' I STILL believe there is. And I do the same.. I'm alone because I made myself this way. But I don't want to be. And there's so many reasons why. It is very much a catch 22. And it has to be frustrating not just for us, but for the people that love us too. I don't want to hurt those people just because I'm hurting you know? That isn't fair. So I'd rather suffer alone.
Turning 30 hasn't affected me that much. It's just a number. I'm the same as I was at 29! Haha. Your question 'what do you dream of doing?' WOW. I couldn't tell you the last time someone asked me that. And you're a total stranger. Thank you for asking it. I've always wanted to be a mum. I have no kids and am in a fairly new relationship at the moment. The kid thing can't happen for me right now. I need to look after me first this time. So that's what I'm concentrating on doing. I work a lot and am ALWAYS tired. Work and sleep have become my life for the last 6 years. I live alone and have my own mortgage. I have a lot of "things.." But they're empty things if that makes sense. The yoga and meditation things isn't really me. I forget what is me though. Working is all I know.
I have today off. And I'm currently propped up in bed with the window open and a book to read. Today, I don't mind the silence.
Thank you all so much for responding! 😘

In response to: Re: Here goes nothing..

SaharaSenior Contributor18 July 2016, 4:09 pm AEST

Re: Here goes nothing..

Hi again @Izzy,

yes, I agree with you that that comment "There is always someone worse off than you..." is just one way people have of shutting us down and brushing us off. Because many people don't know what to say when dealing with depression or mental health issues, they come out with this little gem. They may as well say "I just don't care about your problems and I can't help you anyway." Which may well be true!

A trained therapist will never say something like this to you. A good therapist always listens and responds in a way that will give you more insight into yourself.

@Izzy, I think it's great that you want to be a mum. You have a career and a house and now you want children... that is a lovely and worthwhile goal to have.

If you are tired, can you take some leave from work and go on a holiday, even to somewhere local? If you need to, can you get a boarder in to help with expenses and then cut back to 4 days a week with your work? Being exhausted all the time is not going to help your mental health. Things will not get better by themsleves... you may have to make important changes to your life-style.

I think a lot of people get caught up in the rat-race; just working and sleeping so as they can buy things... but ultimately this kind of life-style is not always healthy. We all need time to smell the roses.

Do you enjoy your work or do you see yourself eventually doing a different job?

It's great thay you are in a new relationship. Do you talk about these kind of things with your new partner? The right person will be understanding and will support you.

I was always extremely apprehensive in opening up to my husband when we were first going out together. Before we got engaged, I thought is was my duty to tell him that I had suffered from depression in the past and that it could possibly happen again. I wanted him to go into marriage with his eyes wide open, and not just seeing me with rose-colored glasses!

Fortunately, he was very understanding and it did not make any difference to him; he still loved me just as much.

In response to: Here goes nothing..

Unknown userMember18 July 2016, 4:22 pm AEST

Re: Here goes nothing..

Hi @Izzy 😊
Good you have a day off and are resting. So important to rest. Especially as you mentioned that you work alot.

In response to: Here goes nothing..

Unknown userMember18 July 2016, 4:29 pm AEST

Re: Here goes nothing..

Hello @Sahara 😀
I'm not sure if I've said hello before. 😊

@Izzy It's lovely you want to be a mum. I always wanted to have a girl and I now do. She's 16 and having her is the best thing that's ever happened in my life.
Definitely something for you to look forward to. I was a stay at home mum. I was unwell, but we survived. 😀

In response to: Here goes nothing..

IzzyCasual Contributor19 July 2016, 5:38 pm AEST

Re: Here goes nothing..

@Sahara, thanks for your advice! I have thought about cutting back at work, but I'm the kind of person that if I'm left alone in my head too long, it really isn't good for me. If I had say 3 days off in a row and was alone in that time (which is likely because I have pushed away all my friends and family), then I'm likely to go okay for a day and then spend the other days in bed. Sometimes, if I know that I'm going to be alone for a few days, it's like I have to mentally prepare myself for that. And I keep myself busy and active for a while and I do okay. But my mind is my worst enemy. One tiny insignificant negative thought can turn into something huge. I TRY really hard to stop myself from slipping into that, but sometimes I can't. Like I said.. I'm still learning what's best for me. I feel like work gets me out of the house. It keeps me active. I feel needed, wanted and appreciated at work. So I use work as a tool. But I do definitely burn myself out sometimes. I DO enjoy my job. I'm very much in my element there. Being tired definelty DOES effect my mental health though. A bit of a catch 22 there aswell.
I do talk to my partner about some things. I've been with him for almost 9 months. He also happens to be my manager (which YES it's very complicated and a whhooollllee other story!). We discussed my metal health before going into the relationship. He has witnessed every single side of me. The good and the very, very bad. Sometimes he was there and sometimes he wasn't. That would be my own fault though. I'm not a person that knows how to ask for help. And I push him away sometimes when all I really need in those moments is for him to tell me I'll be okay. Sometimes he just lays with me and let's me cry. We're both still learning I guess. But he is as patient and as caring as I let him be. I'm lucky to have him. My partner is the same as your husband. It took me a long time to be able to open up to him. And I still have my wall up a little. But I didn't want to go into this relationship giving him the impression that I'm okay when I'm not you know? I didn't feel like that was fair on him. OR me for that matter. I want him to be the one person I don't have to be afraid to fall apart in front of. I think we're getting better at handling it. 😊
See, today I feel positive about things..
Tomorrow I might question it all. Sometimes I can't think of a single thing that's good in my life. And on those days, I would never be able to write what I just wrote up there. and that's how I know that I'm having a good day today.
Thanks again for all of your lovely responses! 😘

In response to: Re: Here goes nothing..

SaharaSenior Contributor23 July 2016, 8:00 am AEST

Re: Here goes nothing..

Hi @Izzy, sorry I have taken so long to get back to you.

Before I ever knew that I had depression, one of my main problems was that I could not think of anything to do when I wasn't at work. I would wake up at 6am on a non-working day and lay there thinking... "I have 6 hours to fill in before lunch time... what on Earth am I going to do with all that time???" I could not think of even one thing that I wanted to do. And I would feel very, very lonely and dejected.

I have a close friend who is recovering from depression now and she still feels the same way.... on days where she doesn't have to work, she tries to frantically book up activities to keep herself busy and to have company. I just know that feeling so well!

I used to work twelve hour days and spend another 2 hours a day commuting... I was soooo exhausted and stressed and yet when I had a day off I couldn't enjoy it! So frustrating!

It's no way to live. One of the most beautiful things in life is being able to savour your own space and your own company, when you have it. To walk in nature, to read a good book, to listen to music, to write and draw and think productive thoughts..... when you don't have a happy inner life like this, then there is a big problem. No amount of trying to 'keep busy' is going to cure it.

@Izzy, it is only my personal (uneducated) opinion, but I really believe you would benefit from talking to a professional therapist. What does your partner think? He must have an opinion?

Your partner sounds great, by the way. You are very, very fortunate to have someone to confide in. When I fell depressed, I had no support from anyone.

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