Hey @ALB cheers for the tag @outlander
Sounds like there's a hell of a lot going on for you at the moment ALB, I'm sorry you're struggling.
I can relate to a lot of your post, I hope I can be of some help. After my son arrived, I too struggled with past childhood trauma. I think it's a fairly common occurrence, the arrival of our children send us back and we reflect on our own childhood.
Is your childhood trauma something you have discussed or dealt with at all before? Does your partner know anything about it? Regardless of whether they're aware of it or not, they are most likely not thinking clearly right now either and need some reminders. Communication is something I've always struggled with, and on occasion I resorted to writing a letter to my partner to communicate my needs and how I was struggling. Anger got in the way far too often for me to have a rational conversation about anything. Writing is easier. If taking to your partner hasn't worked, perhaps this could be something to try?
I too struggled to get my GP to hear me when I said I needed help. They seemed to have their own idea of what was wrong and who I needed to see to get help. They didn't listen, and it's hard to sit there and say it all out loud. I too had many unsuccessful GP appointments until I decided that was enough. I went home and started researching psychologists in my area who deal with trauma. I found one who sounded ideal--and I think this is important to stress, you need to see the right psychologist, ideally one who is trained to deal in trauma, or even better, complext trauma. I went back to my GP and just straight up told her this is the guy I wanted to see. She still had her own ideas about who I needed to see and what was wrong (I'm not sure I managed to say I was struggling with childhood trauma) but I put my foot down and said I wanted to see this guy, I was comfortable with seeing him. She was happy enough that I'd found someone who I was comfortable to see, she thought that was important and I guess it was enough for her to send on a referral. When she wrote out the mental health plan it had a bunch of shit on there that I didn't actually need help with but I didn't care, when I saw the psychologist he and I were able to talk about why I needed his help.
GPs are useless sometimes and they really don't listen. TELL them what you need, and if you get time before your app research trauma based psychologists in your area.
Have you thought about going on medication? I've been on and off antidepressants for most of my life really, but I think in conjunction with therapy, they seem to help me manage.
Just know we've all been here, we've all been in that place where it seems impossible for things to turn around. It's a hectic bloody time for you, but it won't be like this forever. Try to get some lines of communication open with your partner and remember their brain is probably not functioning at 100% right now. Remember you're both on the same team and you both love each other. It's tough right now, but until you can get a psych lined up there are forums around just like this for you to get support from.
If you know of any other Mum's out there, even if they're only an acquaintance, try reaching out to them. New parents are always pretty happy to help other new parents out. We're all in it together. Maybe there are Mum groups on FB? But honestly, just send out some messages to the Mum's you know, I'm sure they'll be happy to offer an ear and their support.
Wishing you all the best ALB.
