In my 40s feeling no hope

Hello @Jak33

My lowest point was around the turning 40 mark. I had to work hard on physical rehab to improve my back and neck and maintain a household for my son. My emotions had been in a dreadful state.

In an age where most people are living longer, it makes sense to try and manage some quality of life based on your own values ... you dont really have to support anyone but yourself .. but make that a priority. we often feel good if we find meaning in doing things for others, but we also need to own our own needs and meet them too. Otherwise we get into a slippery slope of denial and then our self interest becomes a shadowy side.

You can turn your life around. You just have to find reasons and a lifestyle that make sense to you.

Good Luck Apple

Hi @Appleblossom @pip and @Former-MemberThanks so much for your replies.The physical fatigue has definitely improved even though I still sleep too much. I burnt myself out with my business and outside of business there were so many stressful events and it all hit me at once.

I have been been on medications and had managed to stay sane for almost 20 years but my best medication, keeping very busy, was not possible due to physical fatigue with a virus thrown in the mix too. Being left with just my mind, everything that I had bandaided with the busy-ness for most of my life came to the surface. Felt like Hell on earth and I just wanted out for months. I was praying that I would die. I swore to my children that I wouldn't take my life but felt it was the end for me and cried each day I woke up because I was still alive. I lost almost 2 stone and was warned by my Drs that I was heading for anorexia.

It was when my daughter announced her marriage that I found a strength to try and get up and on with it. As difficult as it was, I even made her wedding cake and took a few nice photos on the day. That was in May and it was a very happy day. The next day I was floored again but have since been trying my very best to get up and get motivated. Even though I have always been very creative, the joy and sense of achievement it used to bring me has fizzled. I earned a living from my creativity. I have a friend I walk with once a week now but other days unless I have to get up I stay in bed til the afternoon. I know how exercise bumps up the endorphins but like everything, it's such a big effort.

Last week I had a whole new medication change after ECT was discussed. So so soo hope it gives me the spark I need to start to want to get up, get on with it and live again. I really am trying...that's why I'm here on this page. I'm searching for all the help and support possible because I am at rock bottom.

Thanks for all your kind and supportive words and I am going to Google the Harry Potters' author story now...

Jak ❤️ xx

Hi @Jak33

I have read though this thread and agree with @pip @Former-Member @Appleblossom

I guess all of us have been there and down that - and for me - really over the hill -

My worst birthday was when I hit 30 - we had sold the house and if there is anything I hate it is packing to move - and I had two very small children and a bad cold. It was a beautiful day and I felt seriously down - I really didn't know if I was depressed then but I think I had Post Partum Depression

Into my thirties life had no meaning for me - I was spending all day looking after three other people and with two little kids there was no time for myself - my first child was disturbed - very high mainenance - and life looked bleak

People who haven't been there don't know what it's like and I am reminded of a saying

And old man was sitting on a curb looking lost - his life seemed to be in tatters - and someone came up to him and said "Mate - you just have to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" - the old man looked up and said - "Yes - I would do that if I could get my boots on over my bunions"

So - although people can mean well - they have no idea of the problem - and it hurts - as someone said - like rocks - yes

Everyone finds their own way - I did - I went back to school - and even though I had to work when I could - then full time - I studied part time and graduated in my 40s - with Honours - and it was the years of study part time that have lasted - every day I use what I have learned

But - alas - we can support you and understand you - and maybe we can be with you as you find your way up and out - but you have to find out what within yourself - and you will know when you do find out because it will fit -

It seems impossible right now - I know - and you have lost everything since your world fell apart - not your children though it seems

We have to find that light to lead us - whatever it is - I hope you can find it here

Decadian

I just had a read about J K Rowling. Both my kids were huge fans of her books and movies. I knew that she was a single mum but never knew of her struggle with depression and thoughts of suicide. Pretty amazing journey! Thanks for that @Former-Member

Thankyou @Decadian for sharing your story. I didn't mention in my post that I suffered post natal psychosis within months of having both of my children. My husband left me after the second..with the kids. They eventually came back with me ft after a few years of healing and fight.

So, I have been down the major depression path before and combat it. I guess after just reliving it all along with stuff that sent me into psychosis that I had not yet dealt with that I have felt I just don't have the strength anymore. That is just how it has felt. I am truly hoping that it is the depression speaking.

I too went on to uni but didn't finish the degree with 2 kids and 3 pt jobs but eventually I landed a well paid govt job in my field. And the stigma thrown around there about mental illness...No way would I ever confess my secret.

I guess for the first time in my life I'm really lost and the future looks like me living out of my car. Dismal I know but noone can or will help me out of this situation so I know it's only me that can do it.

If only everyone could see the suffering that the illness brings then perhaps there would be more offers of support? The stigma cuts deep it really does.

Jak x

Hi @Jak33

I do understand - my son's suicide 30 years ago yesterday has been a forbidden subject in my family - it upsets them - I felt as if I was thrown to the wolves

Have you applied for unemployment benefits - sickness benefits or Disability Support - you are certainly a deserving of at least this much help which can take the burden off you as little as it is - it's regular income and has other benefits attached

People here do understand - I joined this community just after Easter this year - when this issues concerning my son overcame me - and I have found the support here to be something I did not expect - but it is a really safe place and well moderated

I know about the stigma of different kinds of mental and emotional disorders - I don't like calling them all Mental Illness - but it is hard - you have lived with this secret in a tough workplace for a long time and it has drained all of your strength and made it impossible for you to continue atm

People do live out of their cars - and this must be slightly to the right of living rough - but there is help for you - I know - I have been through that - starting with the Disability Support Pension - and it was hard at first - it took weeks to get it but I did get back paid from the date I applied

But getting this kind of help is the first step to helping yourself - you have reached out here - and you can and will reach out again. It seems as if you have no strength left right now - I understand that - I have felt it many times - and I can still fall into a huge hole now and again

Life can be unkind - I am scratching my brains but I am sure there is something - some Government Organisation - to help you with discrimination in the work place

Sometimes it's hard - I had it because I was taller than the GM, female, Australian born, protestant - and it all seems so petty and I just went on with my work because I did it well and it was near the university where I was studying and the pay off for me was that I could take the time to go to the university as long as I told my supervisor

Give and take - it worked for me -

But for you - it's different - it has run you into the ground

Decadian

@Decadian I am so so sorry to hear about your son. I have lost friends but could not even fathom what you have been through with the loss of your child. Thankyou for sharing. When I was in hospital after my 2nd post natal breakdown some of the stories from fellow patients were really helpful in lifting me from my suicidal state.

Re workplace complaint, I took a redundancy from my workplace over a year ago then jumped into my own business running it all on my own. It was really starting to take off when I collapsed. I had been running at about half my usual pace for quite some time with sleep deprivation playing a big part.

I applied for DSP in January, was rejected once so appealled and am still waiting to hear. I had to grab a form from Centrelink last week to help access my Super and while I was there asked how my application was going. The answer I got was " Oh they take forever" . I applied for Housing in March and only just had an interview for Priority. I was told that even on Priority the wait is at least 2 years.

I receive NS incapacitated which is exactly what I pay in rent ( including rent assistance) and have now exhausted my accounts and credit cards.

Financial advisor said my choices are to get a job, go bankrupt, take out Super...with the latter only being a short term solution. Everything is paid up until the end of this month then after that I'm in trouble!

I have been so stressed about what to do, searching everywhere I can online for help...I found this forum yesterday.

I realise that I don't have any other choice but to help myself because no-one else will or can. Those who can are the ones who say "You'll be right", "There's nothing wrong with you"( Mum) etc.

I know feeling sorry for myself won't get me anywhere but it really feels unfair to be treated so differently than if I was to have a broken leg or cancer...I can say that because I had thyroid cancer years ago and had immediete help! Even got cards from long lost relatives from way back...Funny thing was I was totally ok with the diagnosis. To me it was something that didn't belong that could be taken out of my body. But alas such a big deal made by family. I have needed that same deal/help in the past 9 months more than ever...If only they knew what was going on on the inside!

Ok, enough woe is me. Clearly, I have to accept that I am the only one who can get me up and out of this.

God it's so hard though 😞

Hi again @Jak33

I don't think you are feeling sorry for yourself in anyway - actually - as I have been attached to sites like this one for years I can soon tell if someone is having a pity-party and you're not

And at times our mothers can be the worst - you are obviously not all right - the world is a nightmare for you right now

I have no idea where you can go next - but you do need help - you seem to have exhausted all available avenues - I don't know what else to suggest

It seems terribly unfair that people with a broken leg or cancer get all the cards and flowers - people can see all of this - but not when you are mentally drained and exhausted - and of course there is something wrong - you're worn to a frazzle with all of this

Thanks for the kind words about my son - it was a nightmare - I had invested so much in helping this child - of course - no one can be loved too much -and I did love him - and it left me badly scarred

But people cannot see grief either - but here - I am accepted - and this means the world to me

And I am sure you will get the same help here @Jak33

Decadian