CrazyChickSenior Contributor
IVF emotional rollercoaster
I have always wanted to have a child. But I put it off waiting for the right partner, a stable job, being in a good headspace. I realised there would never be the perfect time & so decided to go ahead with IVF using a unknown male donor. Although not permanent, I had a job that I thought was not too stressful & my mental health was ok.
As I prepared to start IVF things at work changed. My boss and close colleague, also both good friends, moved away. My psychologist also moved jobs. So my work changed from a supportive environment to a toxic one & I had lost both personal and professional supports. I held onto the hope of IVF.
I worried that it wouldn't be successful because of my stress levels. But I hadn't realised that the medications and emotional rollercoaster of IVF would make my mental health even worse.
My mental health declined dramatically. I blamed it on the toxic environment at work - with bullying and constantly being told I couldn't do my job, despite doing it fine the previous year. In hindsight the IVF medications were a major contributor making me more emotional and less able to cope. I think my GP was using my IVF as a reason to encourage me to keep living. But the process was making me more stressed and the stress was lowering the likelihood of success. An ever downward spiral.
This downward spiral has lost me my job, and got me in trouble with the police (while they tried to take me to hospital). My IVF was not even considered as a factor. I thought I had hit rock bottom, with legal trouble, little chance of employment, loosing friends & being ashamed to show my face in the community. I had also had 3 unsuccessful attempts at IVF.
But it got worse: my 2 main supports my GP and psychologist left the town. I couldn't cope, and was so upset I cried myself to sleep, even though it was still morning. I asked Lifeline to get me help, but I the police were so sick of me that they dragged me to hospital in a very traumatic way. The incident was the final straw that pushed me to attempt suicide.
After my suicide attempts, I have struggled to find any services to help me. At times I try to find a GP, psychologist, lawyer, or anyone to help, but haven't had much success.
There doesn't seem any reason to live. There doesn't seem any point continuing the IVF journey. I don't have work and so would struggle to pay any medical expenses. I have put on weight and have poor mental health, which both reduce my chances of success. I don't believe in myself and feel undeserving of conceiving a child. The medications the doctors are trying me on are not recommended for pregnancy. But I won't get any younger so the pressure is on for me to keep trying to conceive.
Has anyone else struggled to balance the desire to have a child with the negative effects of the IVF process on mental health?
