StephanieCasual Contributor
BPD struggles
Hi,
I am very new to this site, but have a lot of hope that it can be a great resource for me.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) about 12 months ago, and like a lot of people say, it bought a lot of relief and answers to my behaviours and emotions.
Prior to this diagnosis, I was told I had bipolar, and was medicated for it. That was 4 years before the diagnosis of BPD. I had a substance abuse problem at the time of the bipolar diagnosis, and was told I had to come clean before then could properly diagnose me. 4 years later, I did that, and then came the diagnosis of BPD with the explaination that the whole time they did think it was a personality disorder, but stuck to bipolar for, well, I don't know why. The medication that came with the bipolar diagnosis helped, as did the diagnosis itself (although wrong), but now I am living with a different diagnosis and trying to get off the medication slowly but surely. I understand that there is no medication treatment for BPD, but there are therapies and strategies that I am inundated with.
I have been told there is a spektrum when it comes to BPD, and I am quite low on this scale. If anything, I just experience all emotions, positive or negative, very intensely, all my emotional reactions are extreme, sometimes to the point of being manic. But this is also managable; so I've been told.
Although I have been seeing a psychologist on a regular basis, I am finding it hard to now live with the illness. I question everything I do, every reaction, every emotion, every word I say, I analyse everything to work out "is this me, or is this the BPD?" "Is this something I can improve through therapies, or is this just a part of my personality?"
A lot of the time I am left deflated, lonely, confused, emotional and lost.
6 months ago I went through a brutal breakup (Christmas Eve) which has made my situation so much harder. I am still struggling with acceptance and moving on. I feel I am holding onto hope that doesn't even exist.
Although now, I am functioning and my moods are alot more stable than a few months ago, I still have anxiety/panic attacks and overwhleming emotions that are triggered from what seems like the smallest things. When I experience these heightened emotional states, I am overcome with depression, guilt and helplessness.
I guess I have wrote this to reach out to people who may be, or have in the past, experiencing the same thing. I feel my mental heath, and current mental/emotional mind frame could improve and benefit very much from having connections with people who can relate and understand what it's like to live with BPD.
