Unknown userMember
My Lived Experience
At 47 years of age I am a long term survivor (over 35 years) of Childhood Emotional Neglect from a Schizophrenic mother, narcissistic abuse by a narcissistic step mother, a remote narcissistic father, resentful older sister, dysfunctional and unloving family situation, migrant family, lack of love or positive reinforcement from any adult in my childhood to counteract the negativity, Homosexual bigotry and sexual abuse while at boarding school. These traumas have caused a great many consequences such as difficulties making friends, ostracism, rejection, bullied, ignored, dismissed, exploited, low self-esteem, negativity bias, CPTSD, depression, dysthymia and anxiety. Just to discuss a small amount of the issues I deal with each day.
For the last 23 years I have been under constant psychiatric care. Prior to that it was very infrequent.
I am now at the point of giving up my psychiatrist and psychologist. My life has not changed since it collapsed completely 20 years ago. Don't listen to what they tell you! It (mental illness) never gets better. That is a lie and a myth. I have been incredibly proactive in my recovery. I have done a lot of therapy writing to understand myself. My self awareness has improved exponentially. I have spent much time working as a volunteer trying to help others.
I decided to come on to the Sane Forums after a long hiatus. Of course I could find nothing to help me on here either. Now I am ready to give it all up. I'm fed up with trying so hard to help myself.
On the other hand, during this period of the Coronavirus I have felt validated and vindicated. I am actually incredibly strong. I have sat back with a bowl of pop corn watching the whole Coronavirus unfold and enjoying almost everything about it. I loved hearing those weak entitled, privileged people complain about struggling with lock down. I loved telling them all to "Suck It Up". They have no idea about struggle. It is exactly those kind of people who, when my life collapsed 20 years ago, were telling me to "Suck It Up" I had to deal with their ignorance, biases, stigma. Other than the great satisfaction I have felt during the coronavirus, I have been saddened by the deaths and financial collapse of the vulnerable. But on the plus side there have been a lot of unkind exploitative people who have financially lost it all. That cheers me.
Now I am not an unkind person, in fact I am incredibly kind and generous. But, I've had enough of my life being in limbo particularly for the last 20 years.
Thank you for reading.
