Feeling unlovable

Hey there @Jane19,

I'm one of the Moderators. Welcome to the forums, I hope you find it a really supportive place. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through with your anxiety, and break ups, and how it's making you feel unloveable right now.

Break ups are the worst, and it's important to take care of ourselves when they happen, so it's good you're reaching out here. You're not alone 🌻

How do you feel less hopeless when the people you love can't put up with you?

Find new people? Realise it is their own inabilities/wounds/short-comings that limits their patience and kindness to you? Realise you are wounded and trying to heal so

be merciful to yourself. hugs. People with broken limbs and their plaster casts needing help can be annoying to, but they aren't loved/accepted less because of those things. They just need more patience and kindness.

I am feeling for your pain. I wish I had more ideas for this, as well as the ability to integrate what I just wrote in to my own life. People I thought were very close friends are now seeming to stand back and observe...what will she do today, how will she react, don't poke the bear...instead of walking alongside me and my inner pain.

Hi CheerBear

Thank you for your reply!

Yes it does feel like a double blow. It happened around 6 weeks ago. That's really encouraging to hear about your new relationship, I've definitely been feeling like just closing my heart off to relationships for good. It's good to hear how you and your partner are being accepting of mental health, that gives me hope.

I have a few good friends so that's been helpful.

Hi Daisies

They're some really good points. I've started trying to practice more self love today, listening to some meditations on that.

I'm sorry to hear that close friends have taken a step back. That's tough. I think sometimes people who do really care about you don't quite know what to say or do around mental health. Sometimes you just want someone to be there beside you with love and support whilst you work through things

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@Jane19 wrote:

I'm new here. I've struggled with severe anxiety/panic attacks for over 10 years now with some depression mixed in. [...] The first breakup really broke my heart & I finally got through that pain & let my guard down to let someone else in, who said he'd always be there to catch me if I fall, and he just left me too. What's even harder is my anxiety wasn't even at it's worse when I was with him.

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Hey there @Jane19 I have been living with varying degrees of panic-anxiety disorder with agoraphobia since I was 27 - I am now 59.

To reframe your experience a little, it is a very common and normal - at the the beginning

of a new relationship - for one or both people to give assurances and make promises and

project into the future "always be there" - that person established themselves as trustworthy and gained your confidence; then the novelty wore of of trying to "fix" you and, quite predictably, the shite in whining armour has ridden off into the sunset.

You are extremely lovable @Jane19 as perhaps you have been conditioned to love those who are not worthy of valuing you or being in a relationship that takes them to deep places.

How are you travelling with befriending and accepting yourself and being in a place of self-care where you are the source of the love in your life?

I gather that when you started each of these relationships, that you were already living with anxiety/panic attacks so when those people said they couldn't deal with your panic attacks; what did they think was going to happen as the months passed and the barriers around social activities began to burst the bubble and with all relationships, the initial infatuation wears off and things get real.

There may have been other reasons those people had for ending the relationship with you but when there's a convenient scape-goat, such as panic attacks that can be used with it's subtle blame-shifting; and you can fall into the trap of feeling 'if only I was normal, (didn't have panic anxiety), they wouldn't have left me. Don't go down that rabbit hole.

Hi Jo-anneJoy

Oh that gave me a giggle "shite in whining armour" haha! Thank you for your reply, that's really helped me see things a bit differently.

I probably haven't been focused as much on befriending and loving myself, more so beating myself up about it all to be honest! I started meditating again this morning so I'll try to refocus on things like that & caring for myself more. Thanks for your insight, it's good to hear from someone who knows what panic attacks are like. I hope things are going well for you 🙂

Hi @Jane19 , welcome to the forums.

I've never been in a relationship (I'm fine with that mostly), so I don't know about breakups, so I apologise in advance there.

But I'll just say in my opinion anyway, it's their loss. You seem like a good person and that's their problem and their loss if they aren't prepared to be there for you no matter what.

I'm sorry this happened to you and you even felt worse after your last relationship. I'm sorry I'm not much help, I just don't know much about breakups because I haven't been there. But I do care.

Hi @Former-Member

Thank you!! That's really kind of you and I'm starting to see my worth a bit more now after reading the replies on here. Thanks for caring, I hope you're keeping well