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Why am I like this??

NightSweatsCasual Contributor15 July 2016, 1:22 pm AEST

Why am I like this??

Firstly I have what appears to all a good life,

I am in my late 50's and have a healthy Family and a supportive wife but things just don't seem real or tangible. I am worried its all an illusion and I will slip up letting it all slip away.

Over the past couple years I have lost my Mother, My closest friend( since school), (to suicide) and my older brother (very short illness). Work is busy and there is a lot of stress generated in this area with Income levels being pretty stagnant, costs increasing and having my wife and Son in the business seems to add even more pressure.

I have been to a Psychologist (on referal fropm my GP) but I didn't feel it was helping and the cost was somewhat prohibitive.

I still have feelings of inadequacy very often, its as though I know what needs to be done to fix things but for some reason just don't do it. I cannot concentrate and seem to be so easily distracted that its difficult to get through any work at all. I am always tired and seem to get bad dandruff, fungal issues and aching joints in cycles.

At night I sleep very lightly and at least two nights a week I will wake almost in a panic and my pillow will be saturated. Other times (most nights) I just wake up sad during the night for no reason and struggle to get back to sleep untill falling asleep at 6 - 7 am when I need to get up.

I have had a stress test after suffering from chest pains for a while and it was inconclusive. So I was referred to a cardiac specialist and was booked in to have an angiogram and stent. As there was a month before surgery from booking it in I went on a bit of a diet, walking daily and for two meals a day I used VLCD powdered drinks and lost some weight. When the surgeon went in he didn't use the stent and told me it all appeared ok. He advised I should continue to exercise and see my GP in 3 months or if I had any further chest pains or issues to get back to see him.

I then had an injury that required surgery and could not exercise for some months. I have never restarted and put on some 7 Kilo's. I cannot seem to get motivated to start exercising again.

Its almost as if I am trying to make this a self fulfilling proficy and somehow subconsciously expect to fail.

I have not spoken to my wife about this as I cannot and will not burden her further than she already is (with the business etc).

Not sure what I am after here, just needed to get this off my chest I suppose. Not sure what to do but I can see that if things don't change I will be hurting the people I love.

5 replies

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In response to: Why am I like this??

pipSenior Contributor15 July 2016, 2:30 pm AEST

Re: Why am I like this??

Hi Night Sweats. It sounds as though most of what you're suffering is anxiety due to loss of your mum, then close friend due to suicide, then your brother. 3 people who you cared for in a very short space of time, you've lost. Losing anyone to death hurts like Hell, losing them through suicide is harder because of the feeling of 'what could you have done to prevent this'. With the suicide, unfortunately, your friend made the choice because of his own personal feelings of inadequacy. Losing your mum and brother made it hurt more so because of they were family. It's sad you feel you can't talk to your wife, perhaps she may understand, maybe the suicide would be harder as some people see it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Regardless of how it seems to other's your loss is incredibly painful and made harder because you couldn't prevent it from happening. Have you thought about keeping a journal and recording your feelings of pain and loss. I am pleased you manage to lose the weight, sad that you regained it, but that's understandable. You lost the incentive through no emotional support. Perhaps a grief counsellor might be what you need. someone who will encourage you to talk about your anger about your losses. You are very angry (understandably) and you need someone who can help you express the anger so you can learn to deal with your losses. Greif counsellors can be amazing for dealing with anger through loss etc. Ask your Dr for a referral to a grief counsellor. Explain fully what you're coping with your mum, brother and friend. In the meantime, keep a journal to record your feelings of anger at losing so many people you loved. Don't be afraid to express the frustration and anger. Take some time to do some deep breathing too. Keep in touch here too.

In response to: Why am I like this??

utopiaSenior Contributor15 July 2016, 11:06 pm AEST

Re: Why am I like this??

Welcome @NightSweats to the forum. Wow. Yiu have been through so much in the last few years. I agree with @pip that it sounds like anxiety due to grief. This is nothing to be ashamed of. It's your body / brain telling you it's hurting, it's overloaded & it needs some TLC. So much stress in your life. Talk to your gp again. Write a list for him of all your symptoms, or show him this post.
It must be hard not being able to share what you are going through. Do you think she may want to know what you are feeling? If you can't talk to her about it, who can you tell? How can you get if off your chest? Maybe your gp can refer you to a psychologist specialising in grief counseling. You should be able to get some counseling sessions under Medicare.
I find concentrating on my breathing to help when I feel a bit anxious.
I hope you are able to have a good sleep tonight.

In response to: Re: Why am I like this??

Unknown userMember20 July 2016, 4:47 pm AEST

Re: Why am I like this??

Hi @NightSweats, welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing a bit of your story

@pip and @utopia are right, you have been through so much in a short time, losing three people you love as well as work stress and health challenges. It’s no wonder things are difficult right now. It sounds like you might be putting a bit of pressure on yourself to try to fix everything at once. I think it’s probably natural that you don’t quite have your usual energy levels and motivation right now, after all that’s happened.

A lot of people feel discouraged after their first experience with a psychologist. It often doesn’t feel like it’s helping right away. Sometimes you can actually feel worse after the first few appointments where the focus might be on letting the psychologist know what’s been happening, which is not always enjoyable to discuss. It could also be the case that this particular psychologist wasn’t a good match – it can sometimes take a few attempts to find someone you get along with.

As @pip and @utopia have suggested, it can often be helpful to talk to a trained grief counsellor. You might like to try calling Griefline for a chat on 1300 845 745 (midday to 3am daily AEST). They also have online counselling.

Welcome once again @NightSweats. Please keep posting!

In response to: Why am I like this??

Unknown userMember20 July 2016, 9:12 pm AEST

Re: Why am I like this??

Hello @NightSweats, I hear your shame in this post.
I do that to myself too. I really like that you can pull out positives still, I.e. your loving relationship with your wife. You are right leaning on the ones we love the most seems so selfish. But I'm tipping your wife knows you well to? She may well benefit from you telling her your heart's feelings of inadequacy. She may not know how much you are suffering? I'm not saying she can fix it, but I reckon it's pretty cool being emotionally raw. It draws love closer, & that speaks folds. To aid our understanding of self, when we have no idea what the hells going on, or loose all interest in helping ourselves. She might be able to see you clearer too, & help you take time that you need for you. I think lack of sleep leads to unhelpful thought, which cycles the whole downswing. Whichever way you go! Also definitely get another psychologist or counselor that works for you. You will know when you find the one that 'hears' you. Otherwise it's a waste of time & makes you feel worse. Your response to life presently is on overload trust in your ability to pave a way through. 😊

In response to: Why am I like this??

NightSweatsCasual Contributor01 Aug 2016, 5:56 pm AEST

Re: Why am I like this??

Hi,

Smee again.

Sorry not been on for a while but it is hard to get the time and even know what to say.

I do understand the comments regarding my wife and yes she is probably strong enough to cope but in my mind she shouldn't have too. There is so much tension and stress in her life (work esp.) that I am trying to make sure she is able to cope, not wanting to burden her further.

My biggest issue is that this is now starting to impact on my day to day performance, at work and personally. I am smoking and drinking (very little) again after over 4 years and really struggling with weight and motivation.

I am really not sure what to do, one minute I think I can pick it all up and keep on moving forward then something happens and I crash back down again. I had gone for over a week without any night sweats or night terrors then over the last week or so they have come back and I am living on a couple of hours sleep a night untill I am so exhausted I sleep for 7-8 hours and wake still feel tired and seem to ache at all my joints.

Not sure if I need to get away, suck it up, change direction or what. I just know that I do not want to be medicated, there has got to be a more natural way to cope.

Be healthy

NightSweats

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