Greetings @Shipsmaster
Before we begin, please take slow and deep inhalation and exhalation through the nostrils x3 times.
Your heart needs nurturing, time and calmness to heal.
My heart goes out to you, the pain it must be to lose a child of your own is not in my experience, however, I do know what it's like to go through suicidal thoughts emotions and behaviours, to lose it all and give up on life.
I see the whole humanity as my family so when such things as suicide occur, it is a loss for all of us and it impacts all of us and it is tough to hear that my family is hurting.
I have a lot of experience in understanding suicide and how to overcome the thoughts and feelings associated with that. Suicide is preventable and unfortunately I don't think the system teaches the correct way to dealing with it, neither by education systems nor professionally.
So, as someone with lived experience of being suicidal and overcoming it, I feel that I may be able to provide some degree of navigation for you.
This time for you may be extremely difficult, on the very last thread, but please know that no storm lasts forever and that we are here to support you in what way we can, the seas may be rough but you can get through them, and boy oh boy if you get through this one, you will be very very strong.
Because, It is the pressure upon the coal which makes it into a Diamond,
and no Caterpillar ever became a Butterfly without the darkness of the Cocoon first.
To understand the mind and suicide,
Our thoughts create our emotions and our emotions is what often become behaviours and actions.
The emotions and actions are like the leaves and fruits of the weeds, so in order to deal with the weeds we must get to the root which is the thoughts, all thoughts sprout from an identity, a personality construct of "me", they belong to a character which isn't who we really are at the core, we are witness to them.
For many who come across the thoughts and contemplation of suicide, the solution to overcome it, is often hidden and given to ourselves by ourselves with our inner dialog such as: "I want to ___ myself" which is the very character we must face and overcome (underscore = word is banned from the forum so i'm sure you can fill in the gap for what it is) however i'd like to replace that word with the word "overcome", for a very specific reason, because that's what this is really about.
Because this is not about leaving the body, this is about overcoming the "self" that is creating the thoughts and emotions of suicide in the first place, to see that character and story of the "me" and what it has been through from a distance, the same way that an audience member views the characters on the stage, to witness and observe them from a distance.
A way to do this is "self enquiry meditation"
When that suicidal character no longer occupies the stage (the mind) it is removed from the stage, it no longer takes the spotlight, and who we really are can emerge to be our own master and run our own show.
Greif is a matter of the heart and the heart needs healing
We have been witness to the coming and going of many things throughout life, the happy, the sad, the joy, the angry, the love and the bliss, they are a coming and going but you are not, you have been witness to them, and this too shall pass, so they are not the real you at the core, they are the experience which we as the experiencer moves through.
Breathe, be kind and gentle with yourself.
Without going into too much detail I will just point you in the right direction and that direction is inward to practice a meditation called "self-enquiry meditation" when and if you feel ready,
you can find how to do this online by searching it, it was revived on this world by a man called: Ramana Maharshi, though it has always existed.
It is one of the ways that contributed to my overcoming of many mental illness diagnosis, aswell as severe anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts, emotions and behaviours.
Self-enquiry is not a hard practice, its actually very easy and also the most powerful form of meditation once we peel back the identities to remain in the "I AM" consciousness, it involves enquiring into the "me's" that I spoke about to ask ourselves "to whom has this thought arisen" and to get to the root of the weed rather than clipping it's leaves (as the system does) going further into what else may arise to really understand ourselves and how to move into the eye(I) of the storm as oppose to being swept away by it.
Additional tools of support which where beneficial for me and may be beneficial for you too, are the following:
1. Sanskrit mantras can be very powerful and beneficial to listen to, one in particular to remove all problems is called "Shivashtakam mantra" which you can find on youtube by Mahakatha. Sanskrit is one of the oldest languages on the planet designed by yogis and mystics over 5000 years old for wellbeing and advancement.
2. Holding gemstones called "Apache tears" (you can search those aswell if you like and how they got their name it's very interesting) it's very beneficial I found to just hold them, they help to absorb grief and by experience I can tell you that they do work 100%.
3. Time in nature is also very beneficial, because life hears you and knows what you need. Taking the shoes off and feeling the earth beneath your feet to connect and ground the energies, it creates a smooth channel from Earth through you and to the Heavens and helps to balance your energetic system, this is especially benefical at this time because of how strong the astrological energies are at this time of global transformation, ask the Earth for assistence, and give the energies to the Earth, Mother helps.
So please remember, you're not alone, there are many others out there who share your experience, and there is support here.
Every crisis can be an opportunity to enhance our lives.
Take the time you need, be gentle with yourself, Breathe.
You can and will get through this, I see that.
And perhaps the great gift to come out of all this may be that you will be able to help many others who are going through and have gone through the similar experiences of grief and when you are ready to share all that you have learnt through this process and your experience, to prevent things such as suicide altogether.
I am doing that in my own way from what i've learnt by experience and we all need eachothers experience to collectively grow and make a better world.
Now is the time to heal.
I only want to share that I see a potential calling or mission for you and anyone else who goes through such experiences.
When you have moved through this to then be able to help others, to get to the root of the "suicide weed" collectively and help the human family, but that is of course always your choice, you may or may not have that calling and thats ok, not everyone does, i'm just putting it out there incase you or others who read this do and that it may spark a new idea.
Like I said, I do not know fully the degree of grief you are going through, but others will and it will take however long it needs to - to heal, so please allow yourself to do that.
I hope that this is helpful in some way, wishing you all the best, stay strong,
please ask if you would like any further clarifications and guidance from me to navigate this and I will get back to you when I can, doing my best to help in what way I can, I'm sure there would be others here too who have more experience than I do in the grief side of things.
I have faith that you can make it to the shore again safely, after all;
you are the Master of your Ship!
Bless you,
Namaskaram
Guiding_Light
