Pressure

Hi everyone, I'm sorry I can't remember everyone to add your names in, it's not that I don't like you or that I don't care, I'm just struggling to think clearly right now.

I haven't logged on for a few days. I found that I was stressing about replying to everyone in a timely manner, I was putting undue pressure on myself. With the coronavirus restrictions, I have been ordering things online, since I can't get about to actual shops. Orders have been split and coming from all over Australia, it seemed for a while there I was getting one delivery every day, even weekends now. I felt that I had to be available to everyone and everything and it just overwhelmed me. Because posties and couriers don't tell you what time of day (or at all sometimes) they will be delivering, I felt on edge from 7am (when one courier company arrived) until 7:20pm one evening. I got to the point where I was too anxious to go to the bathroom in case someone knocked on my door. I really stressed myself out.

Mother's day is a big trigger for me too, I am neither a daughter to a mother nor a mother. I so wanted to have my own children, but was unable to. So Mother's day is a real tug on the heart strings for me. So worked up about it, that I didn't sleep at all on Saturday night, despite herbal infusions, essential oils, herbal sleep tablets, and prescription meds.

In a way, it helped to have a sleepless night because I was a zombie all day yesterday and felt very little other than tired and sore.

Anyway I have been doing a lot of self talk and trying to remind myself that I chose to join these forums for myself, because I was lonely and if it is too much to keep checking and replying, have a break and that's okay. So I am sorry if I haven't replied to any of you, I didn't mean to stop mid conversation or be rude, I was overwhelmed by my own expectations of myself, it wasn't anything personal.

It seems that with all the restrictions and appointments called off, no support worker face to face etc., I get a bit panicky when there is an appointment, deadline, something that I need to be up,dressed and ready for. I functioned better when I was busier. These days trying to squeeze in a shower before 7am deliveries and 9am phone calls is just too much for me. I put on some clothes to look semi respectable to receive my deliveries but I am unwashed and probably stink! Thank goodness for social distancing. I skip meals to be "available" and I am having physical consequences for all of this.

I have so many things that I could be doing at home, that I enjoy doing, but feel too on edge to start anything. I have a stack of fabric that I really want to be sewing and knitting projects. I have signed up for online courses that I'm dying to get into, but there always seems to be something that I'm waiting for, or things that I have to do for example washing clothes when it isn't raining.

I have too many shoulds in my mind!!! Terrible word that. I must remind myself to choose, not to tell myself what I should be doing, but rather choose to do or not to do something at that time. Take my power back rather that letting 'shoulds' control my life.

I am going to choose to finish for now, so that I can eat some dinner (something that I just threw in the slowcooker earlier today) and watch a DVD.

Once again I am sorry for not mentioning you all individually or replying. I am so grateful that you have been kind to me and included me. You are all wonderful people, thankyou!!!

I will try to be back sooner, just must practise that self talk so that I don't end up pressuring myself again.

Take care of yourselves and have a good night.

SpiderLady