No feelings and totally lost

That sounds really tough @Eric. Did I get it right that you are seeing a therapist? It can take a while before we start to see the results of counseling. But it's been so worth it for me.
Keep attending your appointments. There is also Life line & Beyond blue you can call at any time.
I hope you start feeling better soon

Yes have been seeing a therapist , for several weeks now , and will continue to do so , all I see it has done is confuse me even more at the stage , and feel even worse than when I first went there ...

@Eric. Have you been given breathing exercises to do. They help calm me down -resettle my mind. I also find relaxation and mindfulness works well. I downloaded these.
Hope today is an easier day for you

Yes have been trying breathing exercises , I just get so wound up inside , like somebody is trying to rip my heart and lungs out , when this sensation resides I just sit there and cry for no reason at all 😪

Only wish I had good friends of the same sex to tell me that , that's one of the things I am not coping with , lack of male friends , I have always been the token gay as such , by that I mean had more female friends than male friends all my life , something that my wife new and always accepted till now ,
So talking to my friends ( females ) upsets her , and have no real male friend to talk too at all ....😪

So so very lonely and nobody understands ,
I love my wife and my children and they are going though hell because of the way I have become .
50 years old and not a male friend who would give me the time of day for anything , yet I always had time for then no matter what
Why do I feel like this , it's cruel and woundnt wish it on anybody , numb and no feelings , what away to go through day to day life .
I have always seen the better side of everybody no matter what they have done , said or done to me , asked me for help etc
Been back stabbed over and over time and time again but have always smiled and gave them another chance etc ...
Yet have any of them ever asked me how I am , how's things , how's my day going etc etc ...
No .... 😪

This is hard when you feel abandoned by friends you've invested in. We have to find a way to self nurture independent of outside influences, When people do find time for you, it becomes a gift to be savoured and not expected. I fell in the dark pit of resenting everyone for neglecting me. Little did i realise the resentment was poisoning me, & they can pick up on it, but not sure what they've done. They also don't know what i want or need or what to do. It makes them feel helpless (impotent) and they just find it easier to avoid. Crazy because its when we need them most they're slip away. The laq of attraction i guess. If you're depressed 'blackdog' is fuzzing your interpretation of the actions of others, to your own detriment. I was taken back to realise its more in me. I was not comfortable in my own skin. This has become my Recovery Objective - to learn to be gentle with myself, do the self compassion meditation exercises (like that in the book "Reality Slap" by Russ Harris. Its working. I also have a compassionate God to bring in on the process to strengthen it. Its so hard i know, but start doing the things that feed your soul. This is your journey, we can only suggest, you have to do the walking forward. You have it in you, i sense it.
Go Kindly 👣

Be your own best friend!

It's true yes , I have always given 100% to everybody I know , always stood by them and had a shoulder to cry on when ever required as such , and never expected anything in return , it made me feel good knowing I may have helped them in some way , and a simple smile was hanks enough .
But appears I am a nobody to them , they all know I have gone into my shell , not one of my so called male friends have even called me , or my wife to ask about me , and it's been months now , none of them give a shit , and after all I have done for them over the years . It truly makes me me numb .
The only ones who have ever called or checked in on me upsets my wife so even they have backed off Except for one .
And the last person I need upset is my wife .
My soul mate . The one person I am putting though hell because I feel numb
I am starting to feel I may be better off alone
😪😪😪