New user and hope someone will listen

Hi i wanted to say i can empathise with you completely,

after losing my mother in 2014 to cancer after a 21 year battle i was left with a sense of nothing, the person i had worried so hard to become was feeling like a total loss, a waste of time, i feel like the only place i want to be is with her, when you lose someone that's not only a parent but my soul mate, she knew things before i knew them, and to be adopted and have that taken from me i am angry, I cant talk to anyone because all my friends have never seen this side, the side of rocking back and forth on the floor sobbing and sobbing and not being able to control myself, the wanting to die but knowing in my heart i couldn't do that to my dad and sister and partner, no one see's every is so judgemental i was always labelled "the dramatic child" i found recently some documentation about myself when i was yrs old, i must of gone for some sort of psych analysis as i don't remember any of my childhood, and i read the parts about how lonely i was and how everyone hated me for being dark skinned, the parts where being under the covers of my bed was my favourite place as i called it my safe place. I have always believed there was something wrong with me and have done so much to help try to understand it. I just need help, i need someone to help me i need my life back, i know i am on this earth to make a difference but i cant......every employer has sacked me "we don't care, your not filling the requirements" these are the days i want to just end it.....

I have so much i have done but its always the same temp relief and then the horrid feelings come back

I have been so so many medical practitioners and no one has help so far, im on medication but I've got fat and just crap and everything. The feeling of wanting to revisit a past habit has been looming over my head but then the amount of effort i put in to get myself away from that....im afraid i will let myself destroy everything