Yet another chapter of self discovery - my introduction

* warning .... very long*

I have been wanting to introduce myself for some time now but trying to find the time with a 4 month old is very hard. Well I do have a long story but I will only go over what is happening in the present for that is what as bought me here to these forums.

Let me give a little background to this chapter. The whirlwind began in 2018 when I got married. My husband and I knew we wanted to start a family and we would begin trying from the wedding. I did not have a period for 2 months but all pregnancy test came up negative. Went to the doctors and one thing lead to another and I end up being told I have a 6cm dermoid cyst on my left ovary. Had surgery at the end of February and was told it was just a mass of hair and not cancer (phew). I could not do any exercise for a month and my husband and I were going to Japan during cherry blossom season for our honeymoon. During our honeymoon we ofcourse tried again and to our surprise fell pregnant first try. My pregnancy was hard most of the time with being diagnosed with gestational diabetes and high blood pressure. At my last appointment with my obstetrician they said "ok it is time for this baby to come out. You will need to book in at the hospital and we are doing an emergency c-section tonight." That happened at 11am and at 7:35pm my little man came into the world. I did not get to see him because he was taken to the special care unit due to breathing difficulties. I then was in recovery for 3 hours because my blood pressure would not come down. I was very lucky for the nurse that was taking me to my room took me to see my son and the lovely ladies there let me have some skin-on-skin time with him.

So now we are at the present time... (thank you if you have read this far!) I was diagnosed with antenatal depression early on in my pregnancy. I knew something was wrong with the way I was feeling and by the thoughts I was having so I seeked professional help. I did proper research and found a psych that deals with pregnant women. I have seen many psychs in the past but knew I had to find someone more specific for this. After my first 5 sessions provided by medicare helped me tremendously. To be able to talk to someone and be told that I was not crazy for having the thoughts I was and that is was in fact very normal for it to happen. I was instructed by my obstetrician to go on antidepressants for my feeling were not going to get any better but they would get worse due to the hormones. I did this even though I was against going on them but it was the best thing I did. After the birth I felt amazing within myself which was the total opposite of what I thought I was going to feel like. Jump to pandemic time and I have taken a 180 turn for the worst. I feel like I am circling the drain of depression again and know that I have postnatal depression currently. I have deteriorated so quickly that it is concerning for myself. I have spoken to my psych today and have put somethings into play which I will see if they will work. There is maybe a possibility that my meds will be increased but I am not sure if I want to due to breastfeeding.

Everything feels so up in the air at them moment and I feel like an empty shell of my former self. I have lost my identity and feel like I am just at mum, which I am now feeling like a failure at because I am having breastfeeding issues. So the one thing I am I can no longer do. I know I need to not be hard on myself and I have at least gone to get help but with knowing what it is I am meant to be doing makes my even more frustrated because then I should be able to get myself out but I can not.

Anyways, that is my current situation but ofcourse there is a lot more background that I will talk about over time. Trying to get all that out in one go would take a novel! Thank you to whoever has taken the time to read this and I can not wait to meet some new people and hear your stories too.

Much Love,

Blep xx