What to do

I am struggling and really don’t know what to do and no one around me knows how to help either. Basically I was managing ok I was still having a hard time but things were ok this last year and I was at least able to be semi functional but this whole pandemic has completely ruined everything I had worked so hard for. It screwed up my whole uni degree and has meant that I am now living back home with my family which is making things complicated I am not sure what to do but I can’t seem to get back to a place where I am coping and all of my professionals supports are not sure what to do either. I was wondering if I can bounce some ideas around with people here. And sorry in advance for the length.

Trigger warning ahead just in case

So I just got out of the hospital today after a super distressing 48 hours where I contacted the crisis team 5 times and was ignored and they even came to my house after the 4th time and left after telling me that I was pretty much wasting their time. About 30 minutes later and I had done something I probably cannot say on here and was then caught trying another thing I cannot say on here and someone who saw me called the police who then called an ambulance and I was taken to hospital. The dr I saw that night said he wanted to admit me to the mental health unit and I was out in an order because “you are too unpredictable” as they said. And was told that they wanted me to have a discussion about a certain medication which I cannot mention as per guidelines. So I was left basically in an interview room for 20 hours because there were no beds on the ward now at this point I saw a second dr who basically said there were no beds and wouldn’t be for possibly a few days and it would mean me staying in the interview room for possibly days now this room was very uncomfortable I didn’t have access to anything to shower with or clean clothes and my iPod was running out of battery as I had had it on the whole time and if it ran out then it would be a disaster as the interview room was very quiet which is super bad for me when I am hearing things a lot. So I had said to the dr that being in that particular space would make things worse. Especially because I had been trying very hard to keep calm and not get super agitated which has been a big problem in the past for me and I didn’t think I could stay calm if I had to stay there much longer. Basically I had to choose between 2 bad options and I chose home but nothing has been resolved or even helped and I am still feeling really on edge and the dr said that they were working again tomorrow and to come back if I wasn’t ok.

I dont know what to do I am still feeling really all over the place and I am still really scared and paranoid about everyone and everything and I am trying to hold myself together but after yesterday or the day before and what I did I don’t know if I can I still don’t even know why I did what I did exactly I just couldn’t stop. But I also am now still very scared of the hospital staff and this whole thing is just making me feel more like people are out to get me and like everything is not really people or what it looks like. And I am supposed to call my psychiatrists office tomorrow and I don’t know what to say the crisis team who ignored me and told me to stop calling is supposed to check in with me but I doubt they will and I don’t really want to speak with them anyway, I just feel like I am out of options. I wondered about private hospitals but there is only one in my area and it isn’t very good and I would consider interstate but it may not be possible considering the situation. But also I am not even sure if it would help I don’t know that anything will all I know is that I am not able to keep myself together right now even though I am trying very hard too.

Um the question so if I well if you were in my situation and hospital where I live was traumatic and made things worse would you consider private even if it was also not good? And how are you supposed to tell someone you are not ok when you are struggling to communicate and when people are not understanding you? I am sorry I don’t really know what I am asking or how to ask what I am wanting very well right now, if anyone even reads all of this thank you and sorry it was so long. Sorry it is so messy .